Friday, December 31, 2010
The top two were taken last night and bottom one the day after Christmas. Christmas day I ended up in urgent care with a shot in my ass for intense migraines. They released me to my sister who took my boys and I to her house for the night and next day. Anyhow I was weighed at urgent care. Normally I would have asked to be weighed backwards or not at all but the pain was so bad I didn't say anything. I weighed 118!!!! I weighed myself again last night and it was the same so I can safely say I am currently 118! Just two more and I can get to my minimum goal of 120which has been a fear for 20 years! Of course it's still low end for my 5 '8 frame and I WILL keep gaining. It's just been a rough week with continual migraines and not being able to take strong meds because I am a single mom! Take note it's because an exposed nerve on a back molar all due to "ana" I believe! I am on antibiotics now but pain still bad.
It's been such a rough week and many times it would have been easy to restrict. It would have been easy to go back into "ana" behaviors. But I just don't want to!!!! I have also recently receivd a few compliments of how "good" and "healthy" I look which has helped immensely. I want to be healthy, not sickly.
I was at my dear friend Joyce's last night for a wedding rehearsal dinner as I am in a wedding tomorrow. We started talking about her sister who died of anorexia as well as a recent anorexic model who died. This gal modeled naked as an anorexic supposedly to show the ugly side but to me it glamorized it as she was often photo shopped. Joyce and I started talking about how sick girls are nowadays with WANTING to be anorexic and looking to sites for ideas. I never looked to sites as I knew enough and some of the ideas are quite stupid as we read a few last night. It saddened and sickened me and made me want to gain a few more pounds to reach my recovery goal my therapist has for me.
It's not easy so don't think it is. I have been on this road a long time and have had so much stress along the way and still have so much stress with court, finances, and general stress of being a single mom but recovery is so worth it and most importantly my boys and myself are worth it.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Top photo was a dear friend of mine on my and to 3 months of treatment last year. Bottom ones pre treatment.
It's been a hard few days and "ana" creeped in again. I was triggered by someone and I have been a bit down about some court stuff going on that is beyond sick and insane as usual. I am also under the weather with a sore throat and headache all day and didn't eat much. This is all it took for me to start missing "ana". I looked back at these photos and tried to see thinness. I realize that I was never the worse "ana" or bulimic out there but looking at these I realize how bad it really was and how I didn't see it when I was so engrossed in it.
I had to truly ask myself if this is what I really want and the answer is NO! I think I am really starting to embrace recovery this time around. A little more gaining and I can fully embrace a healthy figure and even more energy.
I have to remember I still need support through it all as I continue to gain and embrace a healthy and different lifestyle. I don't ever want to go back to "ana".
Sunday, December 19, 2010
No rhyme or reason to ths photo taken tonight other than I was practicing a hair style for a wedding I will be in New Year's day!
I have been thinking lately about this treacherous road of recovery. I have had a few ups and downs the past few days seeing my stomach protrude in time for a soon to be period and with all the food consumption to finish weight gain. I have also noticed my jeans are a bit tighter. It has not been easy to embrace, and at times "ana" SCREAMS to lose and exercise, but RECOVERY is in my tunnel vision! Eventully the weight will even out and the stomach will go down somewhat. It's not normal to have a concave stomach so I have to remind myself a little "pooch" at any given time is what women have and what makes us curvy and pretty. The best part thus far, I have to say, is my boobs are finally coming back. hehehe
It's not just about looks but about feeling better all around physically. I have enough stress with court crap, juggling work, and being a single mom of two gorgeous little boys. There's no room for "ana".
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Not the best photo but taken this morning after yet another fun filled day at court with craziness.
I finally grew into these size 2 court pants that have been hanging in my closet for a few years now. Gaining has never been easy to any anorexic that I know of. Gaining, maintaining, or losing is hard depending on what you struggle with. This leads me to another thought~
Recovery is a slow process. I have to remind myself daily I am in recovery. The norm for me is to set me aside, restrict, disappear basically. Anorexia has infiltrated so many aspects of my life even down to causing me to pick bad men and finding myself in court dealing with someone who is completely psychotic (yes, that is putting it very mildly).
I have to remind myself every day that anorexia is not the way to go. I don't want to be rail thin anymore. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to starve and not enjoy cake and chips at a party. I don't want to deny being in a wedding for fear I will look fat in a size small dress that does fit me. I don't want to feel faint, shaky, tired, depressed, etc. I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE! I want to eat when hungry and wear normal size clothes for my height ad NORMAL weight when I get there. I want my boobs back and my tight ass along with curves in the right places! I want to feel the sad feelings, the angry feelings, the frustrated feelings without starving my poor body who has been through enough already. 20 years of this shit is enough!
Time to embrace me. a bit scary and uneasy to do but definitely doable! Recovery is soooooooooooooo fucking possible and it is sooooooooooooooo MINE! Come join me!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Just a few photos from way back before the court crap started and happier days.
I am learning to handle the nightmare of court and nightmare of my ex who will stop at nothing until he destroys me, in his eyes. He is that much of a monster and I am putting it mildly. He is completely obsessed with me.
Anyhow I went to a bacehlorette party the other night with safe people who are close friends of mine. I am in a wedding in a few weeks and we had such a fun time. I hadn't seen these ladies in a few weeks and just putting on 10 pounds was noticeable to them. I wore tight jeans with boots and a nice top. Two of the gals grabbed my ass and said "nice ass, you finally have one, yay." They then noticed a little more "boobage" hehe. I embraced this completely. For the first time I was excited about it. I was then told I had been looking horrible when my weight got close to 100 again and that I was skeletal. I didn't see it obviously nor do I have a correct image just yet now. But I am getting there and trying to embrace it all as part of recovery.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Just random photos from last year after leaving treatment of 3 months.
I started thinking this morning of how many people deny an eating disorder based on comparing to others' disorders. I did this for years and tried convincing professionals I did not have anorexia.
Even at my lowest weight of 92lbs (I am 5'8) I still got my period so therefore I did not have an eating disorder. My bones stuck out in some places but I always had an ass so therefore I couldn't be anorexic. My legs never got bone thin so therefore I wasn't anorexic. I was never tube fed so how could I possibly be a bad ass anorexic? I ate more than half a celery stick a day, though was low in calories, so therefore I did not fit the "anorexic" mold. I consumed some foods with fat content so how the hell could I ever be anorexic? I was never 80 lbs at my lowest so how on earth could I be labled anorexic? I only passed out a few times so no way could I be a "true" anorexic. I didn't see obesity in the mirror at 92 lbs, I just saw someone who weighed maybe 150, so no way was I a "typical" anorexic.
These are just a few I thought of through the years and excused away my ever fitting the anorexic mold. Reasons (place I was at last year) really help convince me otherwise (lol). After just 3 weeks of being there I was finally convinced I had anorexia nervosa despite my excuses. Funny how strong the disorder is to try and convince us otherwise to keep us stuck!
Comparing to others hinders recovery. Every "body" is different at different stages of the disorder. Time to listen to the professionals eh? And focus on recovery for you~
Thursday, November 25, 2010
This year both my boys are away for Thanksgiving and my family is together in Washington as I was unable to afford time off due to continual court drama. I had a few offers but decided I needed to be alone this year. I added a few photos to the table of my boys and enjoyed a quite time eating and reflecting.
This made me realize how difficult recovery is and how we need to make the most of each day of recovery and push through the trials. I could have restricted and pouted but didn't. I was in a tears a few times but it was because Jack was allowed to actually call me and I know he is okay as this is the longest he has ever been away from me, ever. I also got a call from my mom and she passed the phone around. I then got a call from someone very special to me and cried with all the calls. I feel so loved and grateful.
Sometimes it's the simple things. Now off to take a hot bath, do some beading, and enjoy some pumpkin pie with whipped cream before a midnight turkey sandwich. hehe
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
These are from a few days ago. My therapist made a comment, when she saw me, about how healthy my hair was looking. I embraced that this time though "ana" screamed it meant I was getting fat! My hair is still falling out a lot but definitely healthier these days due to more "normalized" eating.
This lead me to thinking about what is "normal". Our normal may not be what really is normal. It's not to say we are crazy or something is wrong with us. It just means our eating patters are a bit "off".
I was talking to my dietician the other day and said all this food is overwhelming and not normal. While the amount I am on is for weight gain and not the "norm", my eating habits haven't been "normal" for several years, which she so graciously pointed out. lol
Along with my "abnormal" eating for years I have struggled with allowing abusive men in my life as it seemed so "normal" to me. My therapist pointed this out recently and it was such a revelation because it made me think about relationships and my life overall that seems so "normal" to me yet filled with such deep pain.
I feel as though I am finally waking up. It's been very painful but so worth it because I am so tired of having anorexia and being labled as anorexic. So as my therapist and dietician have said at dfferent times, doing what doesn't feel so normal to me means I am fully in recovery! I challenge you all to do the same and eventually Recovery will be your "normal".
Saturday, November 20, 2010
These photos are from over a year ago. I just love pictures, especially of my boys.
So I started thinking while driving to see my dietician the other day. I was a bit emotional and didn't want to go even though I have the best dietician EVER! I started to think how maybe it was "Ana" not wanting to go and how I was dragging her ass kicking and screaming. I decided that it's time I starve her and FEED recovery.
"Ana" wants me to self loathe, isolate, restrict to no end, go back to behaviors, and ultimately get below 100 again for my 5'8 frame. Starvation is her game and as my dietician stated it so bluntly, "ana" is pure torture. It's not just harming oneself but goes beyond that to torture. I know it's been hell for over 20 years now so why not make the next 20 years all about recovery?
Recovery is so hard. I have to continually fight tricky "ana" who is such a sneaky bitch. Even drinking coffee right now is "her". I can say it's because I have not felt well today and the headache is bad but it's "ana's" pseudo comfort. I say pseudo because it is false comfort. It's temporary and doesn't last.
In order to starve "ana" I have to continually say nice things to my body and go full force with recovery. I need to follow my plan and reach out a bit more as I haven't been. I need to not isolate and not let "her" slide.
Time to fully embrace recovery which is such a struggle and daily commitment. If I can starve myself all these years I think I can return the favor and starve her back so that recovery now has a place to thrive!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
So it's been quite a struggle the past two weeks of consuming so much food. And it's getting harder. My dietician has been great through it all as has my therapist. I am so grateful for them both and could never do this alone.
The body image is quite bad but despite it, I wear what I want and try to be stylish. "Ana" has robbed me so many times of livng in the moment and wearing what I want due to hating my body so much.
I look back at these high school photos of me at a healthier weight but in the throws of bulimia.(2nd photo I am bottom right/ 3rd photo bottom left) I hated my body then and felt like I was the biggest one on the dance team. I remember how we were weighed in the dance room weekly and how they even measured our wrists for bone structure. I adored my coaches but looking back I feel it was too much. I am 5'8 so was one of the taller ones and often put in the back of routines until further along in the year. To me tall meant big so I pushed to lose weight. I went from 135 to 120 as I was told I would be benched if lower once my coach found my diet pills and that I was exercising a lot and purging. I was getting straight A's, in peer counseling, on the varsity dance team, and dying inside. The pain was too deep so I strived for perfection and took it out on my body.
I wish I could go back and erase time. I would have gotten help then and gotten out of the misery of the bulimia turned anorexia. The sooner you catch it, if way early on, the better. I don't say easier because it's never easy but having it 20 years it becomes ingrained in who we are and so hard to break free from the grips. It's like "ana" has sunk her teeth in and wont let go without ripping me to shreds but I am working on being released slowly so the pain is not all at once and the wounds aren't gaping.
I am healtheir in weight in these photos though saw fat then. I am trying to strive for health, not weight. I don't know what I weigh now though I know it's gone up. I have to be okay with this in order to recover from this and someday help others recover as well.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Do you ever go back to happier times to when you weren't concerned about your weight or body image? Try thinking back and do something fun to live in the moment and outside of your eating disorder like blowing bubbles or reading children's books!
This blog is just random and thought I would write a sample menu plan for those scared to over do it or under do it or freak at weight gain or maintenance or weight loss depending on your disorder as eating disorders come in all forums.
2 protein or 1 dairy
or 2 cans of ensure.
1 fruit or 2 veggies
1 fruit or 1 starch
1 ensure plus
1 ensure plus
1 fruit or 2 veggies
This is a sample one that would be for someone on weight gain and in the process of being increased again. Everyone is different and seeing a dietician is crucial. Trusting your dietician is even more crucial to just follow it and not bargain with it or skimp on it or change it or freak out over it. ok maybe freak a little but discuss this with your therapist and dietician. What helps me is not to focus on my body and when the throughts creep in I do something like knitting or playing games with my kids or drawing or cleaning. I also journal about it all.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Just a few shots from our Halloween fun. The boys had so much fun. Both were thrilled when they each won a fish with ping pong balls! And yes they have loads of candy and I have invaded their buckets. lmao
I have been reading Jenni Shaefer's book "Life without Ed". I would reccomend it to anyone considering recovery.
What has really stood out to me thus far in the book is how much of a grasp "ana" has on me. There are so many sneaky ways "she" creeps back in. Like for instance I may on any given day eat 100% of what's on my meal plan but have walked 3 hours that day which is not allowed. Or I may eat a cheeseburger and put it down as a large instead of small. Or I may leave the crust off the sandwich and excuse it away. Or I may say my anorexia is not that bad because I am above 100 pounds though I am 5'8. letting go is just so hard because I feel it's been who i am for over 20 years, not what I have. I am afraid to let it go and be something else. This I am working on.
I am becoming more and more aware of the sneaky ways "she" creeps in and it's a daily task to change it but it is possible because I am doing it.
At the moment I hate my body. I hate gaining and I hate all the food but doesn't mean I am not doing what I need to. I am 100% on my meal plan and continuing with my therapist as often as I can see her so if I am able I see her more than once per week.
Eating disorders are a disease, an illness. Fighting it can't be done alone so please build a professional support system as well as family and friends for a daily commitment to recovery~
Friday, October 29, 2010
Ok so I wore this shirt to therapy the other day as a joke. My therapist was so not impressed but I sure was. hahaha She was like, "Brande what are you doing? So not funny!." I still laughed. Will wear it tomorrow as well. Money is tight soI figured I would be an anorexic for Halloween!!!!! Come on peopke, have a sense of humor. We know it's a serious desease but at the same time you have to joke some!
It's been a trying few weeks as my ex may get access to my therapy records and hospital records from last year. It's a huge invasion of my privacy and he does this to try and take my child from me who is very close to me and needs his real mom. He and his wife want nothing more than to completely destroy me as they have nothing better to do with their own lives and don't know how to get along in life with people or how to be normal. It's beyond sick but I still have to hold my head up through it all and focus on what is most important and that is my two boys, my job, and my recovery from this anorexic hell.
I am working hard at following my dietician's meal plan and see my therapist more. It's not easy as finances are extreme with bills and not enough to cover it all just yet. Through it all I am still stnding which to me speaks volumes but, to others out to destroy me, is used against me.
There are so many anorexics, bulimics, and over eaters that are therapists, doctors, lawyers etc. Our eating disorder isn't who we are and doesn't define who we are. It is merely what we have and are batting to get rid of. This does not make me a bad or incompetant mother. Everything I have been going through has only made me that much stronger.
Quote from Jenni Schaefer's book called Life without Ed: "Recovery is about making room for the real me to exist~" I love this. I am so ready for this. Our eating disorder goes against who we are. It fights us to be who we really are. I challenge you all to choose recovery every day you wake up and look forward to a new day~
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Other "ana contraband" for me has been vhs tapes that date way back when, full of talk shows and movies on eating disorders that I have watched so many times that I practically have them memorized. Time to give those up. I also gave up my double 00 and size 16 little girl sizes from last year. While I don't use laxatives or any other types of weight loss pills anymore and haven't in a very long time, I don't keep any of it in my place. Other "ana contraband" is keeping in relationships with people who are in competition in the disorder still and not even remotely looking to recovery. I wish I could cut all ties with toxic people who trigger me, like my ex, but stuck with that another 14 years.
So while we can't control all triggers, we can eliminate what we do have control over and be honest in giving it all up despite how difficult it is. I wouldn't recommend doing this alone but with a friend or therapist because it's a process to let go and a process in grieving what once gave you comfort, even though it was a false comfort.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Struggling a bit these past few weeks with so much abusive/ harassing shit from my ex. Hard to stay afloat. I have managed to do well with my job and my kids amongst the chaos of court and insanity of it all but not so much with me.
Today as I was driving I tried to think real hard of ways to really focus and make myself eat. At reasons we all sat together and would play games as we ate and encourage each other during our timed half hour to complete meals (15 minutes is the norm to complete a meal for those not having an eating disorder btw). I thought maybe candelit dinners at night to bring peace and serenity after a day of work, kids activities, and the never ending court bullshit. It's hard to get everything done with so much to do and I just don't have an appetite. Some people turn to food when stressed. I turn from it. It really isn't always about weight with me. I don't stare in the mirror longer than the time it takes to put my make up on in the mornings. I do stare down at my legs most days and have issues but other than that I just go about my day and try and get through and see the positive.
Dr. Waraich pointed out this week that I don't nurture me. She pointed out that I fear doing so and instead turn on me through starvation. I hadn't realized this but it does make sense. I have always been good at giving but never good at receiving. I tend to push comfort away as not being deserving of it but see others deserving it.
I am trying hard to journal and dig deeper to get where I can continue to gain and process this. Anorexia is one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome and takes so much time and effort. I am learning but I am struggling and need of support.
Friday, October 8, 2010
These were all taken today. I have gone to the Pumpkin Patch every year since Seth was born as it's tradition for us. The boys have so much fun and it's nice and relaxing for me as well. This year they were excited to bring a friend.