Struggling a bit these past few weeks with so much abusive/ harassing shit from my ex. Hard to stay afloat. I have managed to do well with my job and my kids amongst the chaos of court and insanity of it all but not so much with me.
It's like juggling several balls at once and dropping one, me! Still managing the others but can't seem to pick me up completely for fear I may drop the others.
The stress has really weighed me down. No wonder I feel so heavy and struggle with the anorexia. What's even more difficult is it's hard to even consider myself anorexic with what I currently look like (photos from today). Yet photos don't always show true reality like being in person and as I sit here typing, my butt bones are sore from sitting in this chair.
I wish I could just maintain right where I am. I don't want to lose more weight, just fear gaining at times. I even asked my therapist if I could just stay where I am. Guess that's "ana" talking. Sometimes I just feel so removed from it all.
Today as I was driving I tried to think real hard of ways to really focus and make myself eat. At reasons we all sat together and would play games as we ate and encourage each other during our timed half hour to complete meals (15 minutes is the norm to complete a meal for those not having an eating disorder btw). I thought maybe candelit dinners at night to bring peace and serenity after a day of work, kids activities, and the never ending court bullshit. It's hard to get everything done with so much to do and I just don't have an appetite. Some people turn to food when stressed. I turn from it. It really isn't always about weight with me. I don't stare in the mirror longer than the time it takes to put my make up on in the mornings. I do stare down at my legs most days and have issues but other than that I just go about my day and try and get through and see the positive.
Dr. Waraich pointed out this week that I don't nurture me. She pointed out that I fear doing so and instead turn on me through starvation. I hadn't realized this but it does make sense. I have always been good at giving but never good at receiving. I tend to push comfort away as not being deserving of it but see others deserving it.
I am trying hard to journal and dig deeper to get where I can continue to gain and process this. Anorexia is one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome and takes so much time and effort. I am learning but I am struggling and need of support.