Minor set back~

You'd never guess how much I have been struggling when looking at this photo taken last night. It's been a rough few days and I kept it to myself until my therapist asked all the wrong (ok right) questions yesterday. I did't want her to know about the restricting or the scale or my thoughts about it all but for some reason she sensed it all and asked without my saying a word. I don't lie when she asks questions but sometimes have gotten sick of it all and will keep to myself from time to time, especially when feeling such shame. She really helped me with this yesterday and I hope to be more open when I see her tomorrow.

Recovery is such a struggle especially when facing other such big challenges as I currently am. I will get back on track and be ok. I am only letting you all know so that you don't hide from it and can be open as well.

So despite some deep struggles this week, I am still able to have fun as shown here and push forward.

((Hugs))
Brandee

My Immortal by Evanescence~ Leaving "her" abuse!

Two of my closest friends from church. Love them dearly. This was taken yesterday after we went to lunch and to go see No Strings Attached. Had such a nice time and the movie was soooooo good! I was laughing and tearing up throughout it! And yes I had popcorn with a regular coke as that's normal to do when you don't have an eating disorder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhow I was listening to this song by Evanescence titled : My Immortal. Here are the words:


I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/evanescence-lyrics/my-immortal-lyrics.html)

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me


Really read through the lyrics. I cried several times when hearing this song as I bought the cd. It so reminds me of the tug of war with ana and how we are there for "her" yet truthfully she has us abandon all we are and give up all hope to be there for "her". We give "her" so much and when we want "her" to go it seems "she" still lingers. The pain is so deep. We give up so much to "her". Seems we gave everything to "her" including our self worth even though "she" used and abused us. We convince ourselves we are lost without "her" because "she" was good at convincing us we needed "her" even through "her" years of abuse. "She" became the norm for us. Seems we became slaves to "her". We became the care takers. It's no wonder we are somewhat sad to see "her" go yet struggle with the lonliness when "she" lingers and whispers for us to come back. And it's no wonder so many who are abused cling to their abusers and go back to them. Guess the only way to truly break free is to allow the pain to surface and let the tears fall and speak of this deep pain.

Just my thoughts.

((Hugs))
Brandee

The "costs" of "ana". Fricken bitch!

Lovely photo taken yesterday shortly after I had a back molar pulled. It's very common for those with eating disorders to have extensive dental damage from years of starvation and/or purging. While I haven't purged in several years I have starved for 20 plus years and the damage has been done.

I started thinking of what "ana" has cost me and others. Do you ever look back through the years at all that "ana" or "ed" has cost you? Some of what I have lost is finishing my psych degree (though I plan to return this year when loans are caught up), have picked horrible men as father's to my children, have put myself in financial ruin due to picking horrible men, lost a job back in 1996 due to laxative abuse and too many er trips, have lost thousands in ambulance and medical bills which were finally paid off a few years back, physical ailments, and is currently costing me thousands in court as my ex continually uses it against me in court to try and gain full custody. It's been an unbelievable nightmare to say the least. I am sure I may be forgetting other "costs".

The more I think of all this the angrier I get and the more I put myself further into recovery. I am now trying to focus on finishing my bachelor's then onto a master's in social work, creating more and more fun memories with my boys, being in the moment, no longer allowing my ex to control my life and put me in fear through his antics in court and threats in text messages, paying down debt, having more "me" time, focusing more on church and what really matters, and getting braces soon and finishing correcting dental damage. I will be 35 in April and 20 plus years of this shit is enough already. My life is worth so much more than what "ana" could ever offer!

Care to join me???
((Hugs))
Brandee

Starting to just live again~

Just a few fun shots of my gorgeous boys and then I randomly added one of Cynthia Rowland Mcclure (R.I.P) and I from one of her Hope weeks in 1997. God I miss her.

It's been a very long and rough week this week. I drive a lot for my job and have plenty of time to think about things and have spent a lot of time this week thinking about my life at 34 and what the next several years will entail. I certainly don't want another miserable 20 years of "ana" up my ass. She has robbed me of so much and contributed to such aweful choices in men that now stress me near daily.

I am slowly learning to live for me and what is best for my boys and that means returning to school this year, starting on my book, diving further into deeper issues with my therapist, commiting to church, reaching out more, and learning to laugh at psycho boy and his antics. No longer can I live with my, MY MY MY, life on hold! I can't control those around me but can live my life and be fulfilled regardless and plan to. I really need to just start living~

((Hugs))
Brandee

Family Reunion. Warning may trigger cuz I look good! hehe

We had a small family reunion yesterday with mostly my mom's kids, grandkids, and a few long time friends as a send off to my nephew going into the coast guard!

Top photo is of my twin brother and I. He's 35 minutes older!!!! The second one is of my niece directly on the right and her friend and sister. Bottom ones are the whole gang and then a grandkids shot for my mom. It was such a fun time and my boys had a blast! They are the ones in matching shirts not paying attention in the first group shot!!!! lol

Anyhow it's been a rough week. For the first time in over a year my blog feels as though it's been brutally attacked. Not only this but I have had a horrible body image week due to some medical issues physically. I have also had a rough week with work and uncooperative, abusive parents. I have also had a bad tooth in the very back causing severe headaches and pain but can't take anything strong due to work and being a single parent. So as if court shit and finances weren't enough stress, I had a shitty week and a long week ahead! sigh~

But this is MY blog and I do as I see fit since it helps me, minus the cruelty, and I have pushed through the pain and anguish that drives "ana" to her glory. No glory for her this week! I think I look pretty decent in these photos. I am not thrilled about gaining. It still freaks me out but is no longer debilitating. It's not to say I don't cringe and cry in therapy over it, and yes over "real" issues, which drives the disorder and the disordered thinking. It's all just so much to process and takes time which is where self care comes in.

I have therapy tomorrow and don't even want to go because last session was so rough and I am still very upset over it all but it's a good thing because she certainly knows how to push the right buttons to really get me feeling and to the core of what is really going on and it has nothing to do with weight, which we know already.

Let me make it very clear that this blog exposes the truths about "ana" in EVERY way. We live in a world full of triggers and can't hide and be sheltered from it nor baby ourselves from it. I have been through hell and back with horrific stuff in court and have learned that I can still have a good life and that how I react to it all means everything. I have to continually pray, process in therapy and with friends and family, and learn different ways, other than "ana", of coping and am! Hope you will too!

((Hugs))
Brandee

Apology~

As some may know there was a lot of negative feedback on my previous blog entry. Regardless of what some say as to my not listening etc, it couldn't be further from the truth. It is one thing to try and bring to light something you may feel is triggering or wrong in my blog to "help" me along in my own recovery but some of the comments were sarcastic and cruel and THAT I didn't listen to and let sink in because I felt it to be abusive.

With that said I have spoken at length to those who have given constructive criticism as well as my therapist and close friend Joyce. I have come to realize my blog has flaws in it and I apologize to those who may have been triggered along the way. If I have learned anything about "ana" it's that she creeps in when you least expect it. I did not see most of my photos as triggering at all which should and does scream illness! I am still learning and finding my footing. It also doesn't mean I don't try every day at recovery and continue to push through to a helthier me. I am quite aware I have to search deep within. I am quite aware it's not about weight etc but in a sense, to me, body image does need to be dealt with. The most important thing for my own recovery is being honest with myself and my therapist and that doesn't entail sharing deepest things here but enough to try and help others and show what it's like to go through the hell of anorexia and then the struggles through recovery which those in recovery know all too well what a long and bumpy road it is.

I do love photography but will post more appropriate ones that are fun to look at and not a drain on recovery. I will not be taking down previous blogs as I have put warning signs on those most severe and because this is all part of MY road and MY recovery which is one reason I allowed the comments that were so extreme to remain.

Again my apologies.

((Hugs))
Brandee