Monday, June 27, 2011
These were all taken just a few days ago at my friend's apartment. I love Tiffany dearly and thrilled to have found her after so many years! Excuse my ghostly whiteness in the photos. I have to say after several hours at the pool I am no longer white. hehehe I am thrilled my 4 year old was swimming to me several times and did so well! God I love my boys! My 8 year old does flips now!
I certainly have a few more pounds to gain for a healthier me. I was a little insecure here but decided not to invite "ana" to the pool and instead we enjoyed Carl's jr as well as plenty of snacks all day! "ana" screams when I say I see thinness in these photos but it's something I am dealing with and exposing.
With so much insanity with the custody battle and trial looming I hurt a lot inside but am staying focused on what matters and that is my boys and my health. If I can get through all this as well as recover from such a deadly disease then I should be able to overcome just about anything! Knock on wood!
Recovery sucks sometimes and eating is hard, merely because I don't have an appetite. The heat doesn't help either but I try to drink the calories instead!
30 day challenge didn't work well for me with so much going on but doesn't mean I am not eating! Just means I am not writing it all down at the moment! But I certainly eat better and enjoy it once in a while! Baby steps but definitely feel I am on this road to stay this time~
Friday, June 17, 2011
Good to be back! Top photo was taken just yesterday!!!! I am thrilled to say I found my long lost friend Tiffani after 17 years and such a sad parting. We had been through a lot together and met yesterday when we took our kids to lunch. We acted as though 17 years had not even passed!!!! I have had so much fun texting her and goofing off and look forward to a beach trip next weekend with her and movie with our kids! She just "gets" me and understands me on so many levels. I long o vong e yong o u Tiff!
The lower photos are of my boys and I 3 weeks ago. I took them to palm springs and had so much fun with them. While "ana" still sees "pseudo fat" in these photos "recovery" screams too thin! Regardless we had a good time and I have obviously gained in the last 3 weeks if you care to compare the photos. I know it isn't about weight but rather health but for the sake of what this blog is about I am being blunt because it's my blog! lol
Wow has it been a while! Took a break with court getting even crazier with my therapy and hospital records being released to my ex who was able to get this wierd psychologist friend who is totally biased and cocky to now be an expert witness in analyzing these records with not ever knowing me or speaking a word to me and being a close "friend" to my ex! Figure that one out!!!! SICK!
My laptop also crashed and I was waiting 2 weeks for a new one to arrive after jumping through some hoops!
Despite it all I continue to see my therapist twice a week, work near full time now, and focus on my boys and recovery!
A few weeks ago I put myself on a 30 day challenge to write a food journal and increase my intake to actual weight gaining. Since I have a huge stack of my hospital records now I have been able to see what I am supposed to consume and what my goal is though I still refuse to step forward on a scale and feel much safer with Dr.Waraich weighing me twice per week! And she doesn't say or breathe shit when she weighs me! lol damn!
I decided to journal through it all. The first 5 days I did fairly well. Then the stress of missing my youngest who was on vacation with his father 12 days, without ever being allowed to call me, started to hit me. I worked more and spent time with my older son but struggled as this was the longest he had ever been away and I thought it cruel of his father and his mate. I prayed a lot and tried to focus on my personal issues in therapy. I had much support and did not allow myself to isolate too much. I was off track a few days and then decided to start where I left off instead of throwing in the towel or starting completely over.
I am now officially on day 11 and doing well though need to get to my goal of (here's a number and sorry) 3500 calories. I still hate eating and it is hard when I am programmed for over 20 years to ignore hunger pains and my wants and needs in general (hence why I picked abusive men as fathers). I have to really make myself and try to be held accountable through my fb statuses as well as I have to show everything to my therapist every session and she NEVER forgets to ask, EVER! I swear the woman has radar!!!!
I have "officially" been dealing with "real" issues in therapy and not all these other distractors such as "ana", and other things to avoid. Dr. Waraich has been incredibly supportive through the tears, sobs, bawling, anxiety, and fear of it all and it helps me to go further, deeper, and simply "trust" her with it all and the process as a slow, painful, yet healing one. But I am grateful~
Hope you all can get to this point and beyond~