Saturday, June 26, 2010

Gaining and PROUD! Warning, may trigger!!!!

I am posting these pictures to show how one can go from being a little girl, with little girl dreams of being a princess, dreams of being loved, dreams of wanting to feel pretty and wanted, to the deadly disease of anorexia that robs her of her dreams, ambitions, and life's purpose. I ended with healthy pictures to show how possible recovery is and so that I focus on that and what my dreams are so that I can start living again and moving forward. And I am!
I have weighed myself on two scales this week. I am currently 110 ( I am 5'8)!!!!! I was ecstatic!!! I DO NOT reccommend anyone to buy a scale who is still struggling with their disorder regarding weight and who is under the care of a dietician, doctor, and/or therapist who weighs them backwards. I only have a scale so that I am eating enough and working my way up to 125. Due to some recent stress the past two months I dropped way too low. The past few weeks I have been trying harder. I have to make eating more of a habit as I am just not one to eat much and with summer the heat makes it even worse. Time to break out the magic bullet for some fruit smoothies baby!
When in the disorder many are so malnourished no matter what weight they are at that they don't think right. Your emotions run high or too low, depression sets in for many, and poor decisions are the norm. I made many in the years I battled, especially in choosing men and not finishing my bachelors degree. I sacrificed myself, my own dreams, my ambitions all for "Ana". I people pleased and picked abusers to date. "Ana" made me feel worthless, like I was never good enough to accomplish a bachelors or have a decent man in my life.
Through time off from dating, therapy, and then dating Mike, I realized I was so much better than "ana" and the scum I dated previously. I realized how much I was missing out. I always knew I had a lot of love and care to give and had so much life in me but was giving it to scum and to "ana".
I have now gained about 8 pounds total in the past few weeks and am not afraid to keep going. I still wear summer dresses and shorts when I want. I eat what I want, never diet foods. I do eat healthy stuff but not always. I drink regular soda and real creamy ranch dressing on my salads full of cheese and crutons! I love Mayonaise and meat sandwiches and enjoy my chocolate haagen daz late at night when the boys are asleep! I am eating as I type this!!!! And when I meet that special someone for our first date I will eat a real meal and not be at all concerned!
I am not cured but have such a different outlook. I see the scary skinny in photos and I have dozens as I was a photo freak when losing weight. It's a good reminder of where not to ever go again!
I encourage you all to dig deep and believe in your dreams and goals and believe that you can overcome this and go on to reach those dreams and goals. You just can't do it with "ana" or "ed" or "ednos". No pun intended but it will all weigh you down and make you the walking dead. To feel alive is a great feeling. It's not to say life won't throw curve balls and stress wont come up but to breathe through it all, reach out for support, and focus on the good will help you through and is so much better than being dragged down and losing out on so much fun and fulfillment. I am living proof after having battled 20 years~ (and someday will be speaking in schools and treatment centers on how recoovery is fully attainable and possible!

Thursday, June 24, 2010


This picture was drawn and painted by me when I attended Cal Baptist in 1995! I did a speech on eating disorders. I am a copy artist and saw this picture on a book which was about 2 inches in size but I can look at something and draw it free hand whatever size I desire.
I found this recently as my professor wanted the original poster board of it so I photographed my artwork.
I remember just last year struggling with seeing "pseudo" fat. I could see it and feel it with my hands so no one could convince me otherwise. This picture is extreme. I think in reality most anorexics who battle this part in their disease, not all do as some believe, see "pseudo" fat in places not all over necessarily and not obese usually. The more I lost the more fat I saw yet as I was weighed backwards in treatment for 3 months and gained quite a bit the fat seemed to disappear!!!!!! I had to trust my team and I did. I let go!
Body Dismorphic Disorder is a form of the disease and many think that's what they have but not always the case. Some have it and don't have an eating disorder.
I have been eating more and gaining. I am starting to feel better but it's a slow process. I am now insecure because I am too thin and want to have a "normal" figure. I still have some fears and my goal weight is low for my height but not too low by any means. I try not to focus on the number but on the health. I try to focus on moving forward and not looking back. I don't have the luxury of therapy or my dietician at the moment but have support through friends, family, and all of you.
If you are struggling with body image, no matter the extreme, I urge you to get professional help. It was through treatment last year that I really took the focus off my body for the first time in near 20 years and really focused on what was really upsetting me etc.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Renewed Recovery is so Refreshing!

Taken yesterday. Cheri, me, my good friend Joyce, and her newly graduated daughter Cathy.

To go through numerous court hearings (over 40 in 2 yrs), experience the recent deaths of loved ones, a break up, no job for 9 months, watch the pain in my kids through what they witnessed by their fathers abuse of their mother, battle two bad car wrecks, and lose too much weight to stress then rise above, hold my head up, be at peace and move forward REGARDLESS shows strength and courage. NOT weakness and victim. A work in progress. So before you judge be thankful for what you do have and walk just a mile in my shoes before putting me down for a few tears and anguish to get through these past few weeks!
I posted this on my facebook recently as I had felt judged by someone saying I wasn't upbeat enough and didn't focus on the good in life. For those of you who have battled an eating disorder or who have been through more than your fair share of trials you are most likely to understand that to get through it all one must grieve, reach out for support, and give time to healing.
With that said I have been in a rut the past few months with some pretty overwhelming things going on. Some days it's been difficult to put one foot in front of the other much less get daily things done and rise above. Some days I really have to force myself and it's so difficult. It's also difficult to reach out, really reach out.
I remember about a week ago just having a horrible time. I couldn't stop crying. I was so sad for the loss of a friend and overwhelmed with everything else going on that I drove to see my friend Joyce. The moment I saw her she just held her arms open and I bawled. She then grabbed me a glass of wine with fruit and sat and spoke with me and continued to hug me off and on. After about two hours I felt so much better. The pain was still there but more bearable.
My weight has been a struggle and part of it is I just gave in to not being hungry and didn't try hard enough. If I wasn't hungry I didn't eat. If food didn't look good I just walked back out of the kitchen. It was easier not to battle it to be honest.
The past few days I have been eating quite a bit more. Not quite to where I should be but slowly increasing. I am trying to be more aware. After battling 20 years it becomes a habit not to eat or think about it much. I have to really work hard to retrain myself. I love sitting down with my boys at the table to eat for dinner. Even with this I wasn't eating much as I would stop when full which doesn't take much!
I am now working at eating whenever I go to get the boys something, when I go to clean the kitchen, when I go to put stuff away, when I go to get a drink. Even if it's just a small snack. At Joyce's party yesterday I ate a bunch of snacks then an hour later ate some chicken and then later a few helpings of cookies! I felt great about it. I almost felt renewed in recovery!
I was also reading people Magzine yesterday about bodies and they had several stars in bikini's. As I looked at them I realized some were way too skinny. I used to crave that but now that I am that, and worse, I can even see I don't look good. The bodies I liked were the ones with curves. They were so beautiful.
I am not saying I will gain a bunch and be ok. It gets scary. My goal is low end for my height of 5'8 and 125/130 but that's a lot healthier than where I am now. It will take a few months but will happen. I am so ready to be healthy and whole again.
I put my all into my boys and their needs and fun stuff for them and nurturing them. I have forgotton myself along the way!
I hope you all do the same as I have really been faced with life is way too short and we only get one shot at it. It can be taken so quickly.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Eating Disorders KILL. Plain and simple! R.I.P Nine!

First off I would like to say "Nine" (far right) R.I.P. You were loved by many and will be missed. Our hearts just ache over the loss of you. You have touched so many with such a beautiful spirit and love of life. You came so far to overcome years of this deadly disease and it hurts so bad that you aren't here living life without this disease. We love you Nine!
Death is never easy to deal with. The pain is deep and very real. This disease is very real and very deadly.
I recently read a comment someone put on my Karen Carpenter tribute. She or he was more concerned to correct facts, incorrectly I might add, than to notice this disease simply kills whether traces of ipecac were found in Karen's system or not.
People have died from choking on bread or other items through trying to purge. Alive one moment and dead moments later. That's all it takes. Some have died just months into the disorder because they had a weaker heart to begin with or electrolyte imbalance happened fast. Alive one moment and dead the next without warning.
You can hit your head from passing out and die that way. yep. that simple. You can pass out while driving and get in a wreck that way.
I get so tired of girls and some guys thinking it wont happen to them because they will stop once they reach that magic number! So many die before ever getting there. And once you get to a certain weight, different for everyone, you can lose your will to live and will to eat at all and your body starts to eat itsef (ketosis). This includes your brain. You slur your speech, can't focus, get aggitated and bitchy extremely easy. Your emotions become out of whack. This I speak from experience. Sure I had a goal and once I got to double digits it wasn't enough and I couldn't stop.
And let's not forget the tooth decay, gum disease, hair loss, dry skin, muscle spasms, heart palpitations, extreme exhaustion, and loss of memory to name a few. This all can pretty much be a guarantee of these deadly diseases. And did I forget possible tears in the esophagus that have to repair themselves and are excruciatingly painful for months on end (yep been there done that). No cure for that!
This isn't an attention seeking disease. This isn't to be admired. This is deadly, extremely deadly. You are playing with fire and once you get in and stay too long you are in it for years on end and climbing your way out is dangerous and painful as well. It can happen and recovery is by all means possible but takes time, money, energy, patience, and has health risks in refeeding process and the stability of electrolytes etc.
This is not fun and games. It's not to be mocked like some competition. To even idolize this as pro ana people do is so incredibly sick in itself.
This is becoming wide spread so if you feel yourself falling into this please seek help immediately. Do not be ashamed of it. Be patient and nuturing of yourself to get the help you so deserve. Get the hugs and support and acceptance through love and understanding from those who care.
I have battled 20 years, been in and out of treatment months at a time, and continue to try to work my way out of it. In the past 2 days I have actually had some of an appetite and been excited about it because it's been so long and scary as I have dwindled down so low again. I am scared for myself but am reaching out. I hope you all will as well.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Back to blogging~ Standing up for my passion in this!

Hey everyone. Through a lot of thought and too much stress to try and redo or move this blog I decided to keep it. This blog has been my passion to get better, be honest about the rough road of recovery, to expose the realities of recovery and this deadly disease, and to hopefully help other sufferers. Using this blog against me by anyone just further proves their lack of character and shows how shallow, insensitive, and how miserable their own life is and they are.
It has been a rough few weeks to say the least or more likely the past two months. I am being dragged back into court due to outlandish lies and false accusations but holding my own and doing well. It's more annoying than anything. I have been to court over 40 times in 2 1/2 years and have 4 court dates this month alone! Insanity at its finest.
With that said I have lost 3 friends in 10 days time to death. I have sobbed so many times in my car and in the shower and have felt such incredible loss and pain. It's hard to even talk about at this point as it's all so recent and so raw. This alone makes court just seem insignificant.
I did finally get a job at a foster agency and love what I do. It has been such a blessing.
The boys are growing and changing so much day to day. Both are incredibly smart and fun loving. Being a single mom has its challenges but the looks on their faces, the tight little hugs, the cute little things they do make the challenges seem minuscule.
I have been struggling with my weight but not with body image. I am 5'8 and down to 103. Sorry if numbers trigger. It's not my intention but it is what it is and it's honest. "Ana" would scream go lower and you are so close to double digits" but I have no goals to lose. There's been so much stress with the court crap, financial stresses, and theses recent deaths that I am simply overwhelmed and heart broken. I feel stress in my stomach and struggle with no appetite. Many of you may think losing a few pounds to get near anorexia will be okay without realizing that soon enough you could be stuck in it and not be able to get out of it. I struggle with this. I am not saying I don't have some insecurities with my body but at this moment it's stress. I have had far too many disappointments and far more than my share of stressors the past 2 months.
Praying soon for therapy and to be back with my dietitian but for now it's about my kids and day to day getting through~
((Hugs)) to you all. Let me know how you all are doing.