Saturday, December 31, 2011

Good Bye 2011, Hello Recovery!

OK just throwing out a few ideas here. Obviously in the first photo I am showing off my cute beanie and scarve set from my awesome friend Cheryl! You'd never know by the photo what a stressful time I have been under but I try and see the good in every day, no easy task!

The next photo is my notebook that is big enough to hold Joanna Poppink's book "Healing Your Hungry Heart", journaling papers, stickers, inspiration, food logs, etc. This book is by far the safest book I have ever read/reading. It's not a "contraband" book as I call them. It is fully focused on recovery with so much insight to so much more than a number on the scale. Joanna is a professional psychotherapist and has been in our shoes. She knows the struggles and pain all to well. This book also has exercises/Hw throughout it. I plan to complete it this year as you have to slowly go through it. I will be working on it with my therapist as well as I got her approval first! I will also be attending her book signing in L.A January 29th!

The next two photos are of things I like to do. As a little girl I dreamed of being able to play the piano. My youngest also wants to learn so we got a keyboard to teach ourselves!!!!!! I used to draw and paint a lot but gave it up due to feeling I wasn't good enough and comparing. That and anorexia zaps energy and will.

I have blogged two years now about the ups and downs of recovery with still having one foot in anorexia! The past few months have really hit me hard with labwork and confrontations in therapy which have pushed me further into recovery.

I am slowly on the road to gaining and my new year's resolution is to reach a healthy weight after 22 plus years of bulimia turned anorexia! I have done it all and been in and out of treatment too many times to count.

I am under HUGE stress with being a single mom, the continuing harassment and court crap with my ex (horrific for those who are just now reading as he is an attorney), and back pain from big rig accident totaling my car. Trust me I know stress. I know tears. I know anxiety. I definitely know heartache. My mirror still does not reflect reality but I eat anyway. I cry when faced with meals at times but eat anyway. I cringe at ensure's at times but down them anyway. My anxiety is high but I breathe through it, let tears fall, and simply sit with it (ok not simple but just sit with it and get through). It's excruciating most days but I do it anyway because I no longer want to be bent over a toilet several times a day, taking numerous diet pills and caffeine shit, and exercising for hours a day, and going without eating, and obsessing over restricting. I don't want the i'v's, chest pains, hair falling out, passing out, dizzy spells, muscle spasms, body aches etc anymore.

There is no quick fix because I didn't get this way overnight but I can safely say I am on the road to recovery and will get there.

You can too~