Wednesday, January 26, 2011
OK so these are a variety going from healthiest on down in my book (2009/2010). Anyhow I post my own bikini body because "ana" hates it in so many ways. What amazes me is my favorite shots are the top two and the butt shot and those are the healthiest!!!! yet I look down at my body and see fat in places!
I was looking at a magazine today with 4 pages of stars in bikini's. I was noticing how voluptuous most of their thighs were. Some had bigger hips and some even had small boobs and wore the bikini's proud. None were skeletal. All looked healthy even though I(I mean Ana)questioned a few as being too big. I know even through "ana's" bullshit eyes I was not near any of them in these photos you see yet was insecure in my bikini every time.
I have always hated my thighs and ass, oh wait and arms and and and. You get the idea. I thought these women are all beautiful and have such beautiful bodies in their bikini's!
My goal this summer is to be where my therapist wants me weight wise and wear my bikini's proud!!!!! Anyone care to join me on a healthy bikini challenge???
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
OMG do I love this woman! She is a true Godsend coming into my life just last year on New Year's day! This photo taken a full year after meeting her. She has been through her own hell and gives it to me straight but in such a loving manner.
I have had a rough 24 hours. Had a real hard session yesterday and it was hard not to run to "ana" after. I have wanted to exercise and restrict so bad and so extreme. I even started to but stopped myself. The stuff I am going through in therapy hurts so bad. I hurt so much I leaned on Joyce and Dr. Waraich even more, INSTEAD of running to "ana" and her behaviors! This photo reminded me of how sometimes I am so down that I just need safe arms around me. I just need some safety, reassurance that I can get through this and not alone in it. Dr. Waraich and Joyce have been incredible to me through it all just as my mom has through all the calls and numerous court drama. I have to find ways to keep afloat and not isolate through it all which is what "ana" wants and so easy to do.
So to just quote Joyce from one of the emails she sent:
"In all honesty I see these negative feelings as a last ditch attempt to maintain a connection to "Ana"... Its time Brande to sever the ties with her. Put "Ana" where she belongs! Out with the garbage!! Allow this new stronger you to develop! Its a fresh breath of fresh air! Its where you can anchor and find safe harbor! Sooo let the negative insecure crap goooo!!! Hold on to your recovery and TRUST that Dr Waraich n I will still be here. Because we will. "Love you!"
This speaks volumes. It's a daily commitment to run to what is healthy and trusting recovery and the process. I have been reaching out and holding on through the pain instead of allowing "ana" to isolate me and take over.
I still hurt like hell at the moment and am managing through it. I am sitting with it and doing things to process through it, even letting silent tears fall at times. I do trust Joyce and Dr. Waraich, as she states, more than anything so it's time to show it, not just say I trust them. It's time to feel through it all and not look to cover things up. It's time to be uncomfortable for a while until I am stronger in recovery. I need to be patient with me and be okay with where I am at in the process at this very moment. If I want what recovery has to offer then I have to do what recovery requires. I have to give up the "ana" behaviors, ideas, and thinking and learn a different way to live and that's living with recovery, not "ana".
Monday, January 24, 2011
Ok a bit blurry as my youngest took these but posting anyway. I need to vent. I love this outfit (abercrombie)I finaly grew into but HATE my fucking body in it. I hate my thighs and calves. I hate my arms and protruding stomach. My face is getting bigger and I hate that too. I am still maintaining so don't freak on me yet. This is my point... I am REALLY struggling with body image at this very moment and day in time but wore this outfit to therapy today because I knew it would make me vulnerable and exposed. I haven't cried that hard in a very long time. I needed to "purge" what was going on inside. I needed to "purge" my insecurities and distaste. I needed to "purge" the stress. And I did! (through talking and crying peeps, not actual purging!).
I am at a very tough point right now because of court and my ex being, well, being the dick that he is! BUT I am also handling "it" quite well despite his childsih annoyance. I need to be dealing with body image and why I have such hate for what others see as nice and needing a few more pounds and being a knockout!!!!!!
So that's my focus for therapy and journaling, which I no longer can give to my therapist due to such personal records being released in court now. I am simply sad and struggling yet managing.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Not too photogenic today but posting through insecurities. This is a 4.00 dress I got from kohl's last summer and wore for church today. I am not thrilled about my arms in it nor my legs but have noticed my legs look bigger to me when I look down on them then in a photo. This should show distortions. I said should because I sit here and stare down at my body and hate what I see. It saddens me what anorexia does to a person. Yet I look at so many other photos in healthier ranges and long to be there again. I certainly can't be on both sides of the fences. I can't be in recovery in my mind and turn to "ana" for my body and health.
I must somehow walk the walk. Gaining anymore weight seems obsurd to me at the moment. I am currently 5'8 and 118 accrding to a scale I shouldn't have stepped on last week. I also was on my period an entire week early. Two whammies for "ana" to sock it to me. I continue to eat, though, and maintain where I am and have for a few weeks now even though many times I have wanted to lose "just a few pounds". I have to continually remind myself "ana" IS NOT WHAT I WANT and IS NOT THE ANSWER AND NOT IN CONTROL!!!!!!!
I hate everything about anorexia. I so badly want to be recovered and not see what I see and feel what I feel. I am still taking it day to day and putting one foot in front of the other, slowly! Despite insecurities I still felt ok in this dress and will continue to wear what I want despite "ana's" annoying voice!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Seth got student of the month for the 4th year in a row! No surprise to me with my little GATE student who just turned 8. So proud!
I have had a stressful week and been a bit insecure with my weight then looked at this photo and actually thought I was a bit too thin. Amazing how it works. Ana. Recovery. Ana. Recovery. You get the point.
Yesterday I was thinking about anorexia and the pursuit of extreme thinness. I remember I used to wear thinness as a badge of honor. Of course even at my lowest I never felt that thin but knew with pants falling off and small clothes too big that I had to be thin. I would get stares all the time and used to tell my therapist it annoyed me. But then in my sickness would just blow it off as that person was just jealous! REALLY? Jealous of illness? Jealous of looking like a walking corpse? Yep, ana does that to you. Looking back now I think many may have been thinking I was a drug addict without the sores!!!! That's right. For all you who think it's attractive and people might be thinking you are the best ana out there, most may be thinking you are a drug addict. Of course some might not even be paying as much attention to you as you think as ana thinks the world revolves around her and it just doesn't.
I have never done drugs and certainly don't want to be viewed as a drug addict or someone who is unhealthy. I will continue to fight for what's mine and what's healthy and that means recovery and a healthy weight.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Obviously these were taken several years ago when the boys were babies and I had more of a figure! During each pregnancy I was underweight to start but stopped all "ana" behaviors for my boys growing inside me. I got to 155 with Seth who weighed in at 7 lbs 10 oz and 154 with Jack who weighed in at 9 lbs 7 1/2 oz!!!! Both healthy and both did extremely well with breastfeeding. I was about 135 in these photos and miss those ta ta's. hehe Guess that's another incentive to gain!
I know I won't be that big busted when I finish gaining but these photos help give me motivation as I struggle to maintain 118 for my 5'8 frame. I grab at my upper arms and can no longer fit one hand completely around. I can no longer fit both hands around one of my thighs anymore. It's uncomfortable for now but I know it will pass or at least believe it will.
My friend Joyce just commented on a previous blog from about a year ago in a bikini and even that helps motivate me and keeps me grounded in recovery. I have to keep reminding myself that my goal is healthy and not to think of it as fat or over weight. It's a matter of re-training and continually making recovery my new norm.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
These are all from highschool where I was on the varsity dance team and also did cheerleading. Our coaches were tough and we placed in every competition. We had several dance competitions on weekends and cheer responsibilities during the week. I also included one of one of my coaches at my graduation where I graduated with honors and had been a straight A student. So much pressure to make the grade and place in competitions. Pressure to be the best.
Today I started thinking about all the competition in treatment centers for anorexia and other eating disorders. It's horrible and oftentimes hinders recovery. I remember being at Remuda Ranch years ago and how I felt like the "fattest" anorexic/bulimic there. Girls even made comments asking if I were on maintenance as I was above 100 at Remuda. I vowed someday I would be a true anorexic and show them I could succeed. I felt I was already a failure for taking a break from college and never felt good enough or smart enough but this I could do better at and I did. I got to 92lbs by 2001 which is very low for my 5'8 frame but you know what? I never saw skeletal. I never got to "enjoy" my anorexic success because I was too far gone into the disease and only saw fat. Last year when I went to Reasons there were girls who wanted to stay sickly and be the thinnest. At first I was one of them. My weight had once again dropped below 100 but again I thought I was one of the biggest and vowed to go lower. I struggled at first but soon stopped focusing on the competition of who could be the sickest. The girls in the program seemed fairly on the ball with recovery minus just a few stuck in it and wanting the attention of being sicker than sick. I had to keep reminding myself I wanted to get better. And so I did.
I slipped again this past summer with so much stress of court. I again sought treatment and noticed this time around that several girls were wanting to stay stuck in the disorder. Reasons felt different this time. The atmosphere wasn't as accepting and so many were so into their disorder. I found myself not fitting in because I was only there a few hours at a time and wanted to get the most out of it. I was not there for competition and I was okay with gaining weight and being heavier when I started this time around. It's easy to get sucked into the competition of the disease and lose sight of recovery. You have to really be sick of being sick and want to be in ompetition for recovery or better yet, focus on YOUR OWN recovery and not what others are doing with or without their own recovery.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
These are just random shots of my precious little ones who are now 4 and 8 and growing up way too fast.
As I took down their bunk beds today and was cleaning their room I started thinking about child play. I often play playdough with them and board games and watch them when they play outside. Sometimes I just grin and stare in awe at the pretend zombie games they play or cops and robbers. Sometimes just coloring with them or blowing bubbles brings me joy.
It saddens me that as adults we tend to be so rigid and lose sight of our chid like innocence. With an eating disorder the rigidness is tenfold. With constant worry about what others may or may not be thinking it's no wonder we become ED robots to try and fit the molds of what we think others may have of us.
We tend to talk around and act around what we truly need which pushes us further into our Ed. Sometimes it could just be a need of a simple hug but guilt over that need may turn into days of starvation or purging.
I am learning to be more present and get to what I need. I am also trying to have more simple me time whether it be enjoying coloring with the boys or lighting candles as I type this. Sometimes endulging in my favorite magazine (People!) or puting lotion on can be relaxing and rewarding. This has been far better than Ed or Ana behaviors!
This is not to say I don't struggle as I hate my weight where it is even on the low end but am trying not to focus on it and to learn to be comfortable in my own body at the moment. Hope you will too.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Not the greatest picture but you get the idea of a full body shot taken yesterday!
I have been under quite a bit of stress with the insanity of my ex continually putting me down in numerous emails and texts and continually making false accusations and threats of even more court etc. Not to mention his wish was granted to have my entire therapy and hospital file sent to the judge to review. What's the point of seeking therapy, which is supposed to be a good and healthy thing, when it's turned against you in court? I have been devastated to say the least and have backed off somewhat in therapy. I trust her deeply but am embarassed by the records being released and feel so violated as they are still with the judge and not safely with my therapist.
I have wanted to restrict and lash out at me as I am so hurt and angry with all the insanity, and yes it's true insanity with my ex as he is a complete monster and doesn't help he's an attorney as well, but I haven't. Court is again this Friday and won't end there by any means.
I have not restricted! I have maintained at close to 120 for my 5'8 frame and for now this will have to do. The fact that I am even maintaining at this point, to me, is a true miracle as aside from court I am in financial ruin from it all and have other stresses I can't mention as this is spied on.
I am up a lot in the night and have problems with lock jaw due to it all but I keep pushing through somehow. Going back to "ana" would further complicate things so I have to find healthier ways to cope, and I am. Hope you will too.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
ok so I am having a "fat" day today. I really struggled when I took what was supposed to be a relaxing bath but was invaded by "ana" who invited herself. Sigh.
Thoughts of dieting, restricting, diet pills floated about. I did start to restrict but decided despite it all I need to push through. I am still struggling and hate what I see right now but I have to tell myself this too shall pass and is temporary. The reason I know it's temporary is because it's happened so many times before. And prime example is a dvd I watched today of my boys and I Christmas morning this past year. Taken just two weeks ago and even I thought I still looked on the thin side even at a healthier weight than I was a few months back.
So tonight I hope (ok I don't really give a shit if she does or doesn't) "Ana" like chicken enchilladas with spanish rice and green beans because that's what's cooking as I write this and what I will be having for dinner tonight!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Well these were obviously taken several years ago. The extra baby in the play pen would be my twin brother! He's so cute!
I post these for the purpose of innocense and how "ana" has robbed me for so many years of this. Even though my eating disorder started around the age of 14, I can remember as far back as elementary school, "feeling" big. I was always a bit on the tall end, even taller than my twin for our first 10 years of life. I was slender but tall and tall to me meant big. I always wished I were more petite because those girls always seemed so cute to me and got the attention. They seemed to get picked more for dances, for competitions when I was on the dance and drill team as well as cheerleading. The tall (big) ones in the back. The tall (big) ones to do base. I felt insignificant from a very young age. I was already insecure about having glasses and crooked teeth so this only added fuel to the fire. Granted by high school I had braces and lost the glasses but the damage had been done by so much inner torment as well as bullying from peers.
By 14 all I wanted to do was disappear. I never wanted to be in the way anyway and always felt in the way being so "big". Losing weight to me meant smaller, out of the way, and purity from not having food in me. I strived for perfection in my quest to be the smallest as well as a straight A student. It all came with a price. It cost me living with the true me. My true self has been stifled for so many years. I have lived to be smaller, out of the way, and to do for others. Total people pleaser.
Recovery is about learning to live with the true me. It's a long process because it's been starved away and pushed down for so many years. I am learning to stand up for me and to live for the moment and not for the past or future. I am learning what "normal" eating is and to be okay with my current weight and figure. I really focus more on being healthy and in the now rather than even focusing on what I am eating or what my body looks like. The more I can do this, the more my true self can come into livng~
Saturday, January 1, 2011
These were all taken just yesterday at a wedding I was in. As I look at these I realize how much healthier I FEEL and look. Still not quite to my goal but such a long way away from where I was months ago and a year ago when I was skeletal.
I am under a lot of current stress due to my ex and court crap but regardless I am really trying hard not to use starvation as a means of coping. I am trying to look to the positive of what I do have and what I do have control over which is being there for my boys and being good to me. "Ana" would just be one more stress I don't need and who wants to look gross and too skinny? Not me!