Sunday, January 23, 2011

I simply HATE anorexia~

Not too photogenic today but posting through insecurities. This is a 4.00 dress I got from kohl's last summer and wore for church today. I am not thrilled about my arms in it nor my legs but have noticed my legs look bigger to me when I look down on them then in a photo. This should show distortions. I said should because I sit here and stare down at my body and hate what I see. It saddens me what anorexia does to a person. Yet I look at so many other photos in healthier ranges and long to be there again. I certainly can't be on both sides of the fences. I can't be in recovery in my mind and turn to "ana" for my body and health.

I must somehow walk the walk. Gaining anymore weight seems obsurd to me at the moment. I am currently 5'8 and 118 accrding to a scale I shouldn't have stepped on last week. I also was on my period an entire week early. Two whammies for "ana" to sock it to me. I continue to eat, though, and maintain where I am and have for a few weeks now even though many times I have wanted to lose "just a few pounds". I have to continually remind myself "ana" IS NOT WHAT I WANT and IS NOT THE ANSWER AND NOT IN CONTROL!!!!!!!

I hate everything about anorexia. I so badly want to be recovered and not see what I see and feel what I feel. I am still taking it day to day and putting one foot in front of the other, slowly! Despite insecurities I still felt ok in this dress and will continue to wear what I want despite "ana's" annoying voice!



  1. i soooo know how you feel..Today my ED was screaming at me.. Telling me what a fat ass I am but my husband asssures me I am looking through the eyes of my ED. It gets so tiresome but still we continue to fight for recovery. wear the clothes we want to wear and tell Ana to shut the "F" up!!!!

  2. P.S. you look absolutley beautiful in that dress!!