Sunday, January 23, 2011
I simply HATE anorexia~
Not too photogenic today but posting through insecurities. This is a 4.00 dress I got from kohl's last summer and wore for church today. I am not thrilled about my arms in it nor my legs but have noticed my legs look bigger to me when I look down on them then in a photo. This should show distortions. I said should because I sit here and stare down at my body and hate what I see. It saddens me what anorexia does to a person. Yet I look at so many other photos in healthier ranges and long to be there again. I certainly can't be on both sides of the fences. I can't be in recovery in my mind and turn to "ana" for my body and health.
I must somehow walk the walk. Gaining anymore weight seems obsurd to me at the moment. I am currently 5'8 and 118 accrding to a scale I shouldn't have stepped on last week. I also was on my period an entire week early. Two whammies for "ana" to sock it to me. I continue to eat, though, and maintain where I am and have for a few weeks now even though many times I have wanted to lose "just a few pounds". I have to continually remind myself "ana" IS NOT WHAT I WANT and IS NOT THE ANSWER AND NOT IN CONTROL!!!!!!!
I hate everything about anorexia. I so badly want to be recovered and not see what I see and feel what I feel. I am still taking it day to day and putting one foot in front of the other, slowly! Despite insecurities I still felt ok in this dress and will continue to wear what I want despite "ana's" annoying voice!