Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Running to what I need and not what "ana" wants!
OMG do I love this woman! She is a true Godsend coming into my life just last year on New Year's day! This photo taken a full year after meeting her. She has been through her own hell and gives it to me straight but in such a loving manner.
I have had a rough 24 hours. Had a real hard session yesterday and it was hard not to run to "ana" after. I have wanted to exercise and restrict so bad and so extreme. I even started to but stopped myself. The stuff I am going through in therapy hurts so bad. I hurt so much I leaned on Joyce and Dr. Waraich even more, INSTEAD of running to "ana" and her behaviors! This photo reminded me of how sometimes I am so down that I just need safe arms around me. I just need some safety, reassurance that I can get through this and not alone in it. Dr. Waraich and Joyce have been incredible to me through it all just as my mom has through all the calls and numerous court drama. I have to find ways to keep afloat and not isolate through it all which is what "ana" wants and so easy to do.
So to just quote Joyce from one of the emails she sent:
"In all honesty I see these negative feelings as a last ditch attempt to maintain a connection to "Ana"... Its time Brande to sever the ties with her. Put "Ana" where she belongs! Out with the garbage!! Allow this new stronger you to develop! Its a fresh breath of fresh air! Its where you can anchor and find safe harbor! Sooo let the negative insecure crap goooo!!! Hold on to your recovery and TRUST that Dr Waraich n I will still be here. Because we will. "Love you!"
This speaks volumes. It's a daily commitment to run to what is healthy and trusting recovery and the process. I have been reaching out and holding on through the pain instead of allowing "ana" to isolate me and take over.
I still hurt like hell at the moment and am managing through it. I am sitting with it and doing things to process through it, even letting silent tears fall at times. I do trust Joyce and Dr. Waraich, as she states, more than anything so it's time to show it, not just say I trust them. It's time to feel through it all and not look to cover things up. It's time to be uncomfortable for a while until I am stronger in recovery. I need to be patient with me and be okay with where I am at in the process at this very moment. If I want what recovery has to offer then I have to do what recovery requires. I have to give up the "ana" behaviors, ideas, and thinking and learn a different way to live and that's living with recovery, not "ana".