Saturday, January 21, 2012
I took these this morning! I posted the top one on facebook and was a little skeptical. You see ,me, without "ana", thinks I look much better than even just a few weeks ago but "ana" screams mediocre and not good enough and flab. I read through dozens of comments from people that know me personally and know my fight to get through this despite insurmountable stress with this ongoing court case, trial coming up, and dealing with such insanity in court all while being a single parent and doing my best to be there for my boys and be present with them, and so many were supportive and positive. So why not crave this and no more "ana"?
"Ana" or "Ed" certainly have death grips on people. Sometimes the thoughts are so frequent they get blurred with logic. I noticed for months my undergarments were loose on me but told myself that I probably stretched them when "too big". Truth is I have never been overweight by any chart etc and for those overthinking I have tons of undergarments so all very nice ah hem (lol). Sometimes I see skeletal in photos of me doing various activities with my kids while in the same day will see a photo of me at a different angle and see fat and then question the skeletal as being wrong. For over a year my hair loss was so bad it clogged the tub and bathroom sink as well as ruined a vaccuum cleaner I had to replace. Even my boys got annoyed at all the hair everywhere. I couldn't get through therapy sessions without leaving hair on her couch. I just told myself it was due to the weather and having long hair. I excused away dry skin, bruising, nausea, and dizziness as normal, probably because it "was" my normal for so long. Eating Disorders are great in getting one to acclimate to the disease. It becomes our normal. So then how do we get to the point of breaking free from it all? There are so many angles it gets us with self esteem, self worth (lack thereof), insecurities, and of course body image to name a few.
If you have read my blogs you know the stress of what I go through. I didn't have it good growing up, only completed 3.5 years of college, have battled bulmia turned anorexia 22 plus years, in and out of treatment, medical probalems etc, semi totaling my car leaving me in daily back pain, court has put me in financial ruin, had job loss for 9 months, loss of sweet Bekah, the torment of seeing my youngest suffer at exchanges and having to go to his father for days at a time and the list goes on. Trust me when I say I "get" it. I know the disease all too well. I also know the excuses which to me came quite natural but my therapist is smarter than my excuses, thankfully.
The past few weeks I have really thought hard at the thoughts of full recovery. Do I really want it? What about getting "fat" as "ana" says ( my therapist always says healthy not weight gain not fat etc just healthy). Can I handle gaining with her "stupid" rule of no exercise due to my weight (weighed backwards)and lab results? Can I really do this and have to go up a few sizes? What if others think I had it made and it was easy and they were worse and do they see the fat and tell me they don't and and and? Can I follow the meal plans from the hospital because I can't afford a dietician? Can I even do breakfast much less 3 meals and 3 snacks with ensures?
It's not really a matter of can I anymore but a matter of will I. I certainly "can" but will I? Court has gotten a bit more stressful due to the thousands I owe and my ex even being more sneaky and cruel etc. I can't afford to do much of anything as far as going places with my boys etc as the bills are piling and child support is intermittent and infrequent and hours fluctuate. I do struggle with body image most days. I hurt, have pain, get triggered, get upset at times.
So despite this all and it being current I CAN RECOVER, I WILL RECOVER, AND I AM RECOVERING~