Starch Protein with one condiment! shaoooo

OK so I have a sense of humor and well I just couldn't resist! This I wear for Dr. Waraich, Lisa, Reasons, Medusa, and all my Ed peeps who can have a sense of humor in the midst of such turmoil and pain of suffering from Ed!

Reasons was all about exchanges and how all foods fit! We didn't focus on calories though we all know what experts we are when it comes to calorie counting! We don't need labels by the time we are faced with being in patient!

It's such a draining and miserable disease to say the least and battling 20 years seems surreal at times. I still battle near daily but here's my little way of telling Ed to BITE ME! hahahahaha

((hugs))

Brandee

p.s yes I shall be trick or treating with both my boys dressed up! My oldest son will be super mario! Photos to come!

Numb Recovery :(

Just a few shots from Disneyland Thursday. I took just Jack as I have done the same for Seth and Seth refuses coasters but Jack didn't! He took two of his little pumpkins on every ride and to every character! so adorable. Had a blast and plan to take both boys tomorrow for the Halloween decor!

I have been very distant from recovery. Could be that I had been pretty sick with fever, cough, and body aches for a full week or could also be part depression. I just haven't been eating much. No appetite at all and nothing looks good. I have been a little more active which helps the depression but it's been a struggle. The other thing that's so hard is I don't have the funds to see my therapist even weekly. I have partially shut down. I can't see my dietician either. I am selling stuff on ebay to have appointments here and there but also to raise money for the boys birthdays and Christmas.

Recovery is very difficult when one does have a huge support system and funds to keep up with therapy. I have it in me. Just praying for a job and strength to get through the tough spot.

((hugs))

Brandee

Just a thought~

Just a few pictures taken this weekend at a family gathering. My cousins were down from New York, another cousin Dawn from Sacramento, and my parents from Washington. I have a huge family. This was a small gathering to see my aunt off as she's moving back to New York.

1.)Top photo my mom and I.

2.)My step dad Jack (son's namesake), Aunt Theressa, and cousin Richard.

3.) Little Jack being silly spitting water!

4.) My cousin Dawn from Sacramento

5.)Seth and his cousins August and Brandon

6.) Brandon, August, Jack, and Seth

7.) My sister Bernie, niece Hannah, Twin brother Andres, me, my sis in law Gina.

8.) Logan and Jack. They are 2 years apart almost exact.

anyhow I always like posting photos despite my insecurities, hence recovery~

So, I went to the mall yesterday with my sister and cousins. I got there around 12:30. After about a half hour they all wanted to eat lunch. I thought I am not ready to eat. I ate mcdonald's for breakfast at 10:00. It had only been 3 hours. I quickly went into a few stores while they ate and noticed I was a bit hungry. I immediately thought "no way am I hungry when I just ate not too long ago". I waited a few more minutes only to realize I really was hungry. I ended up getting a pretzel and drink.

You see, for so many years I have not really known what hunger feels like. I have been out of tune with my body and not sure if what I am experiencing is in deed real physical hunger. I have also been one to tune out hunger if even a hint of it happens! Also when one gets extremely below a normal weight one doesn't feel hunger, or at least I never did when my mind started to go from starvation. I also still struggle with this even when gaining because of years of abuse on my body. I am so used to ignoring my needs in so many ways! I have removed myself from me!!!!!

At Reasons they would have us go on outings to the mall or other places to eat with the dieticians and once our dieticians felt we were ready. So while at the mall debating if I should eat something and calculating the hours of when I last ate, I went back to the safety of Reasons and remembered my dietician, Lisa Arroyas, saying it was ok to eat even two hours later and to listen to your physcial signals.

Recovery is a work in progress. Ed gets ingrained, literally, like a bad habit. What I was experiencing yesterday was going against Ed. I went back to the Ed "rules" of several hours between eating anything and never would I eat a big, soft, buttery pretzel with a regular pepsi for a snack! No way. I could go 12 hours without eating but eating after just 3 was so not "normal" for me or should I say Ed. But I choose not to be enslaved by Ed anymore.

It's day to day doing the opposite of what seems natural and "normal" for me.

I encourage those struggling to do the opposite of Ed and make recovery your "normal".

((hugs))

Brandee

Realizations~

Just a few photos of the kids and I at the Pumpkin Patch yesterday. We go every year. Little Jack, or Jack Jack as he is nicknamed, is fascinated with pumpkins! I get so much joy watching the boys interact and what makes them happy and content~

So this past week was a major awakening. I thought here I was in recovery and focused but not really. After a major confrontation by my therapist then 2 days later being confronted by my dietician through text I realized I was merely going through the motions and have been half heartedly doing recovery~

I was pissed at my therapist and almost ran out of session. Talk about major tantrum! She basically enraged Ed! Then 2 days later the texts came! I was like wtf is this? I text back to Lisa asking if she was trying to "out bitch" Dr. Waraich and that she was doing a good job of it! Basically Ed was backed against a wall and came out fighting but then.....

Recovery stepped in. I had to really look at what they were getting at. Sure I wasn't taking pills, wasn't exercising, and was even focused on recovery or so I thought. I hadn't been fully following my meal plan which showed up at weighs ins. Mind you I haven't been forward on a scale since February. I justified any loss to being busy with the kids and the stress of job searching but I was lying to myself as Dr. Waraich put it. I was still eating but not 100% and was more active. I also found myself engrossed in eating disorder movies and some not so good sites, trying to help others no less, but being sucked in ever so slightly.

What I have learned is you can't even let Ed have an inch, or like the saying goes, he will take a mile, or two or three. That's what was happening to me. My therapist said it was like the alcoholic just having a sip here and there! OUCH!

So the past 3 days I have been 100% on food. Not an easy task because I am hyper anyway and sometimes with the depression fall into lulls where I am just zoning and could go hours without eating. It's the black and white. Balance is so difficult when one is not used to living it.

I basically have to learn to live again like a baby learning to walk for the first time. It's not an easy task by any means but do you ever see a baby give up on walking after falling or stumbling? They just keep getting up until soon they are running~

((hugs))

Brande

Poems I wrote at Reasons~

This picture was taken last night! I have been so broke these days and got a 10 dollar Kohls card in the mail so said "why not". This dress was originally 68 as it has added toulle underneath and solid material. It was on clearance for 13 and I used the card! A 3 dollar dress! Hope I will be daring enough to actually wear it as I can add sandals to make it casual or add a little coat and fancier shoes for a job I hope to get soon! Recovery is a hard process when you still see fat and have to gain! I am blessed with an incredible therapist and dietician as well as friends and family support though not always easy to share what's going on~

Here's a funny poem I wrote while at Reasons because of some of the "rules" and things we had to do. I would always crack up when a staff would call us all to go to the cafeteria and say "is everyone ready for lunch" etc. I would think "duh", of course we don't want to eat, but would always shout real loud "yay food can't wait". Gotta have a sense of humor. lol The director has it framed in her office and even showed her boss who loved it!

~Reasons~

Reasons is the place to be,

When we need those calories.

Starch, fat, protein, fruit galore,

Keeps us coming back for more!

Sound off

Food’s fun

Sound off

You’re not done!

We love to eat 6 times a day,

Then sit in groups, no time to play.

No exercise, no naps allowed,

We have to make our therapists proud!

Sound off

Food’s fun

Sound off

You’re not done!

We have to count when we pee,

Watched every moment, no privacy.

If food is left we must not boast,

‘Cause we must boost and make a toast!

Sound off

Food’s fun

Sound off

You’re not done!

So do recovery and do not part,

Surrender to Reasons and make a start.

Enjoy the food, the staff, the scale,

You will go far you will not fail!

Sounds offFood’s fun

Sound offYou are done!

6-02-09
~Thank you Dr. Lisa and staff for saving my life and putting me on the road to life…Recovery~

This next one a little rough but harder to write with more emotion behind it. Never said I was a great poet! lol But gotta risk!

Good bye Ana, Hello Recovery…

I hate good byes and miss you so,

I can’t have you and recover, so you must go.

For 20 years I leaned on you for support,

The false security you gave I must abort.

You teased me with temptation, telling me I would feel thin,

You made me feel I would reach my goal weight and actually

win.

But what you really gave me was failing health and isolation,

A loneliness that killed me inside and caused false

stabilization.

You screamed at me to take the pills, starve, and exercise,

You will be thin, do not compromise.

So I took your lead as you took control,I abused my body and

did as you told.

I never gave up on you as you screamed I see fatness,

I drove myself to near insanity to rid the sadness.

It was never enough to get you to see,

I kept trying to please you to get rid of me.

Your sense of false security has caused so much pain,

My life has been lived in misery and will never be the same.

I nearly died, giving up my life to you,

For what I don’t know because you are the fool.

I am taking my life back one small step at a time,

It will be me who screams at you back off I’m fine.

I will no longer listen, I hate what you’ve done,

I will now listen to recovery which I have won.

So here’s to good byes I don’t need your strife,

Recovery has taken your place to give me life.

I am no longer alone in misery to mope,

Recovery is genuine and gives me a great sense of hope!
6-25-09