Just a thought~

Just a few pictures taken this weekend at a family gathering. My cousins were down from New York, another cousin Dawn from Sacramento, and my parents from Washington. I have a huge family. This was a small gathering to see my aunt off as she's moving back to New York.

1.)Top photo my mom and I.

2.)My step dad Jack (son's namesake), Aunt Theressa, and cousin Richard.

3.) Little Jack being silly spitting water!

4.) My cousin Dawn from Sacramento

5.)Seth and his cousins August and Brandon

6.) Brandon, August, Jack, and Seth

7.) My sister Bernie, niece Hannah, Twin brother Andres, me, my sis in law Gina.

8.) Logan and Jack. They are 2 years apart almost exact.

anyhow I always like posting photos despite my insecurities, hence recovery~

So, I went to the mall yesterday with my sister and cousins. I got there around 12:30. After about a half hour they all wanted to eat lunch. I thought I am not ready to eat. I ate mcdonald's for breakfast at 10:00. It had only been 3 hours. I quickly went into a few stores while they ate and noticed I was a bit hungry. I immediately thought "no way am I hungry when I just ate not too long ago". I waited a few more minutes only to realize I really was hungry. I ended up getting a pretzel and drink.

You see, for so many years I have not really known what hunger feels like. I have been out of tune with my body and not sure if what I am experiencing is in deed real physical hunger. I have also been one to tune out hunger if even a hint of it happens! Also when one gets extremely below a normal weight one doesn't feel hunger, or at least I never did when my mind started to go from starvation. I also still struggle with this even when gaining because of years of abuse on my body. I am so used to ignoring my needs in so many ways! I have removed myself from me!!!!!

At Reasons they would have us go on outings to the mall or other places to eat with the dieticians and once our dieticians felt we were ready. So while at the mall debating if I should eat something and calculating the hours of when I last ate, I went back to the safety of Reasons and remembered my dietician, Lisa Arroyas, saying it was ok to eat even two hours later and to listen to your physcial signals.

Recovery is a work in progress. Ed gets ingrained, literally, like a bad habit. What I was experiencing yesterday was going against Ed. I went back to the Ed "rules" of several hours between eating anything and never would I eat a big, soft, buttery pretzel with a regular pepsi for a snack! No way. I could go 12 hours without eating but eating after just 3 was so not "normal" for me or should I say Ed. But I choose not to be enslaved by Ed anymore.

It's day to day doing the opposite of what seems natural and "normal" for me.

I encourage those struggling to do the opposite of Ed and make recovery your "normal".

((hugs))

Brandee