Monday, October 5, 2009


Just a few photos of the kids and I at the Pumpkin Patch yesterday. We go every year. Little Jack, or Jack Jack as he is nicknamed, is fascinated with pumpkins! I get so much joy watching the boys interact and what makes them happy and content~
So this past week was a major awakening. I thought here I was in recovery and focused but not really. After a major confrontation by my therapist then 2 days later being confronted by my dietician through text I realized I was merely going through the motions and have been half heartedly doing recovery~
I was pissed at my therapist and almost ran out of session. Talk about major tantrum! She basically enraged Ed! Then 2 days later the texts came! I was like wtf is this? I text back to Lisa asking if she was trying to "out bitch" Dr. Waraich and that she was doing a good job of it! Basically Ed was backed against a wall and came out fighting but then.....
Recovery stepped in. I had to really look at what they were getting at. Sure I wasn't taking pills, wasn't exercising, and was even focused on recovery or so I thought. I hadn't been fully following my meal plan which showed up at weighs ins. Mind you I haven't been forward on a scale since February. I justified any loss to being busy with the kids and the stress of job searching but I was lying to myself as Dr. Waraich put it. I was still eating but not 100% and was more active. I also found myself engrossed in eating disorder movies and some not so good sites, trying to help others no less, but being sucked in ever so slightly.
What I have learned is you can't even let Ed have an inch, or like the saying goes, he will take a mile, or two or three. That's what was happening to me. My therapist said it was like the alcoholic just having a sip here and there! OUCH!
So the past 3 days I have been 100% on food. Not an easy task because I am hyper anyway and sometimes with the depression fall into lulls where I am just zoning and could go hours without eating. It's the black and white. Balance is so difficult when one is not used to living it.
I basically have to learn to live again like a baby learning to walk for the first time. It's not an easy task by any means but do you ever see a baby give up on walking after falling or stumbling? They just keep getting up until soon they are running~


  1. I'm glad that you've been able to find recovery. One thing I know is that one can't get recovery unless they truly want it. I hope you continue to find happiness and support and love with those who love and care for you.

    best of luck!

  2. I love pumpkin patches. We go every October. My kids are in heaven.

    Who is ed? The monster within?

  3. Hey Kathy~
    Ed stands for Eating Disorder. At Reasons the dieticians, therapists, and staff often referred to it as Ed because there are different Eating Disorders. And many books out today often refer to "Ed" or "Ana".
    and yeah my kids already asking to go again but it's so expensive and we have Disneyland passes so I will take them maybe Sunday for the Pumpkin decorations!

  4. Brande, the road to recovery is rocky and so very slippery. I'm so glad your therapist, dietician and doctor recognized you were slipping. Kudos to you for realizing they were right and for getting back on track.

    Your strength is truly amazing. You have made giant steps forward in the face of huge obstacles. Stay strong, hon.


  5. Thanks Medusa. I stayed stuck for so many years. I think the program and my team have made all the difference. It's still very much a struggle and due to financial strain and not being able to see my therapist and dietician as much makes it even harder but I am hanging on. My mind is in recovery mode. I see so many gals who stay stuck and some who seem to get gratification out of many hospitalizations and comparison of who has been to the ER more, tube fed, the skinniest etc. All the sick thoughts. I have had to really distance myself from people like that which also has helped recovery~

  6. Brande, just been reading about Ed and how you are moving through it all.

    My continued love and support goes to You Brande.
    Your Self Expression is your gift - write a book gyrl, it would be a best seller.

    Blessings, especially for U - Terri xxx