Realizations~

Just a few photos of the kids and I at the Pumpkin Patch yesterday. We go every year. Little Jack, or Jack Jack as he is nicknamed, is fascinated with pumpkins! I get so much joy watching the boys interact and what makes them happy and content~

So this past week was a major awakening. I thought here I was in recovery and focused but not really. After a major confrontation by my therapist then 2 days later being confronted by my dietician through text I realized I was merely going through the motions and have been half heartedly doing recovery~

I was pissed at my therapist and almost ran out of session. Talk about major tantrum! She basically enraged Ed! Then 2 days later the texts came! I was like wtf is this? I text back to Lisa asking if she was trying to "out bitch" Dr. Waraich and that she was doing a good job of it! Basically Ed was backed against a wall and came out fighting but then.....

Recovery stepped in. I had to really look at what they were getting at. Sure I wasn't taking pills, wasn't exercising, and was even focused on recovery or so I thought. I hadn't been fully following my meal plan which showed up at weighs ins. Mind you I haven't been forward on a scale since February. I justified any loss to being busy with the kids and the stress of job searching but I was lying to myself as Dr. Waraich put it. I was still eating but not 100% and was more active. I also found myself engrossed in eating disorder movies and some not so good sites, trying to help others no less, but being sucked in ever so slightly.

What I have learned is you can't even let Ed have an inch, or like the saying goes, he will take a mile, or two or three. That's what was happening to me. My therapist said it was like the alcoholic just having a sip here and there! OUCH!

So the past 3 days I have been 100% on food. Not an easy task because I am hyper anyway and sometimes with the depression fall into lulls where I am just zoning and could go hours without eating. It's the black and white. Balance is so difficult when one is not used to living it.

I basically have to learn to live again like a baby learning to walk for the first time. It's not an easy task by any means but do you ever see a baby give up on walking after falling or stumbling? They just keep getting up until soon they are running~

((hugs))

Brande