Monday, November 30, 2009

Pro Ana Emaciation~

The top 2 pictures were taking a few weeks before hospitalization this past year. I could point the fat out but then that would be giving "ana" great satisfaction and well screw that. The 3 bottom pictures were taken post Reasons EDO treatment center. I'd reccommend that place to anyone. They are tough yet caring and know what they are doing. I was hesitant to even post these pictures because "Ana" starts to say "you never succeeded in being thin enough you idiot" and in the "HEALTHY" pictures "ana" screams huge arms and face! Well screw that because RECOVERY screams HEALTHY.
So some may wonder wtf with the title! I am not a pro ana site by any means. I post pictures to force myself to accept me. I am tired of feeling ugly and stupid and fat (which btw is NOT a feeling:)).
For 20 years I didn't just want to be thin. yes at first but soon I wanted to be a Star Anorexic! The sicker the better. Feeling bones was everything to me. I had to be emaciated to be a "true" anorexic. But even at my lowest of 92 for my 5'8 frame which wasn't this year, it was in 2001, I NEVER saw thinness. I saw fat. You didn't think "ana" would ever give me the thin satisfaction did you? of course not, otherwise that would end the starvation!
So I am continually exposing "ana" even as we speak. A few nights ago I found out what I weighed and threw a fit......... at first! The next day was thanksgiving and I had a great time with family and minus a few struggles with food I ate "ana" free!
So now I expose the biggest (no pun intended :)) secret yet! I am 5'8 and 116 according to my scale! Now "ana" screams fat as I write but who gives a shit what "ana" thinks because "RECOVERY" is so much nicer, more sane, and it's like standing on solid ground now, not the usual quicksand with "ana". And I fully intend to get to my goal weight of 130!!!! I am the heaviest I have been in 20 years minus pregnancies!
No one says it will be easy to gain the rest as I am hyper by nature but I am eating and actually enjoying it for once!
On a side note for those struggling to "give their Ed up". I have a wonderful therapist and support team that I am just now really listening too, that means you Medusa too! Anyhow my therapist even at this weight is willing to eat with me and shows concern nd this is where i need it most, not with starvation and danger zone. I crave her concern and care and my support teams concern and care over "ana". It's basically like redirecting a child. When you tell them not to touch something or to give you something they got a hold of, like dangerous scizzors, you in turn give them something safe!
My therapist is giving me "recovery" as she takes my danger "anorexia" away~
Just a thought~

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Surviving Recovery~

These were taken today. Jack is in Oregon so I just had Seth and we spent Thanksgiving with my sister and some family. Seth not thrilled about the pictures as you can tell but my niece Hannah on my lap and niece Alyssa love pictures!
Thanksgiving seems to be an anororexic's (and other ED's) worst day of the year! of course for obvious reasons. I was thinking about how drug addicts and alcoholics don't need alcohol or drugs to survive. You expect them to keep away from their addiction by not keeping the substance in the house or anywhere near them! Not the case with eating disorders which makes it so complex. We have to face our "substance" daily and somehow manage to turn what our "Ed" perceives as negativity, fat, danger, poison etc and allow this "evil" thing Ed calls FOOD to be something that actually nourishes the body. Wow like no wonder Recovery is so hard! In order to even begin to allow this we have to face the reality that our Ed truly isn't about food or weight and allow ourselves to go deep into why we allow Ed to work against our natural instincts of survival. Why we live against ourselves. We need to learn to live for who we are and step by baby step grieve, feel, and become who we are that has been pushed deep inside because of Ed.
I've been struggling quite a bit lately. I haven't been able to afford therapy much and need my therapist so much right now. I was able to make money through selling something this past week and see her. I finally admitted how much I hate myself and that I felt I would never fully recover though stay afloat. She was so caring and so supportive on so many levels in session. I cried so much and felt so safe and connected to her. She even offered to eat in sessions and do what it takes to help me.
I hadn't seen her in 5 weeks and kept saying I was ok. Yesterday I bought scale for the first time in near a year. I freaked at what I saw. Though I am not to my goal weight it was too high. Like DUH! Of course I will think this. I shouldn't own a scale and my therapist has been weighing me backwards for almost a year now. Now all I want to do is lose weight. I know I need to tell her and will try to see her if I can financilly this week. I will be taking the scale back.
It's not a relapse. The urge to drop weight IS INCREDIBLY STRONG right now and I am not saying I won't drop weight but I will tell her. Regardless of this I still wore a tank top today with tight jeans because (I) wanted to. I still managed a healthy breakfast, a variety Thanksgiving dinner, snacks, and dessert. Other than Wii bowling I didn't purge, exercise, take pills etc. I am writing this sitting with it all, hating it, but no one said recovery was fun or heck we'd be through it in a heartbeat.
So yes I am struggling but determined now to see my therapist more, blog with honesty more, and continue the fight and pray to help others someday.
something else I thought of was how much hope Dr. Waraich gives me and how quickly Ed interferes and clouds it. After buying the scale I thought about our session and how much she cared and a few things she said that really helped. How quickly ED stepped in making me forget. What helped was doing dialogue and just writing thoughts and getting it out which I will send to her. I crave seeing her and that will be stronger and stronger overpowering Ed. She's my safety right now.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Little glitchs~

The tree ones were taken yesterday and last photo a few days ago as I dyed me hair lighter but you can't really tell!
I have been distant here lately though managing ok.
Yesterday I put those jeans on and they were tighter than I normally wear. I hated my ass in them and still do. I think it's way huge as well as my arms look big in the photo. I wore them anyway! Made myself~
I got to thinking about being comfortable in my "genes" instead of my "jeans". I tried to relax, even ate a lot of cookies and chicken! I enjoyed visiting friends and soon was ok and felt good about just being me.
I challenge you all to stop and think about what really matters and give yourself a day of trying to relax and be in the moment without ED!