Monday, November 30, 2009

Pro Ana Emaciation~

The top 2 pictures were taking a few weeks before hospitalization this past year. I could point the fat out but then that would be giving "ana" great satisfaction and well screw that. The 3 bottom pictures were taken post Reasons EDO treatment center. I'd reccommend that place to anyone. They are tough yet caring and know what they are doing. I was hesitant to even post these pictures because "Ana" starts to say "you never succeeded in being thin enough you idiot" and in the "HEALTHY" pictures "ana" screams huge arms and face! Well screw that because RECOVERY screams HEALTHY.
So some may wonder wtf with the title! I am not a pro ana site by any means. I post pictures to force myself to accept me. I am tired of feeling ugly and stupid and fat (which btw is NOT a feeling:)).
For 20 years I didn't just want to be thin. yes at first but soon I wanted to be a Star Anorexic! The sicker the better. Feeling bones was everything to me. I had to be emaciated to be a "true" anorexic. But even at my lowest of 92 for my 5'8 frame which wasn't this year, it was in 2001, I NEVER saw thinness. I saw fat. You didn't think "ana" would ever give me the thin satisfaction did you? of course not, otherwise that would end the starvation!
So I am continually exposing "ana" even as we speak. A few nights ago I found out what I weighed and threw a fit......... at first! The next day was thanksgiving and I had a great time with family and minus a few struggles with food I ate "ana" free!
So now I expose the biggest (no pun intended :)) secret yet! I am 5'8 and 116 according to my scale! Now "ana" screams fat as I write but who gives a shit what "ana" thinks because "RECOVERY" is so much nicer, more sane, and it's like standing on solid ground now, not the usual quicksand with "ana". And I fully intend to get to my goal weight of 130!!!! I am the heaviest I have been in 20 years minus pregnancies!
No one says it will be easy to gain the rest as I am hyper by nature but I am eating and actually enjoying it for once!
On a side note for those struggling to "give their Ed up". I have a wonderful therapist and support team that I am just now really listening too, that means you Medusa too! Anyhow my therapist even at this weight is willing to eat with me and shows concern nd this is where i need it most, not with starvation and danger zone. I crave her concern and care and my support teams concern and care over "ana". It's basically like redirecting a child. When you tell them not to touch something or to give you something they got a hold of, like dangerous scizzors, you in turn give them something safe!
My therapist is giving me "recovery" as she takes my danger "anorexia" away~
Just a thought~


  1. Brande that's amazing. I am going to say a comment that Ana will hate, but is still a good thing- you look GREAT and so much better, happier, and healthier than you did at Reasons. I know that is something people with EDs don't like to hear, but I want to challenge you to accept that it's a good thing to hear. You are doing great!

  2. You're a true inspiration! All the best for you :)

  3. Thanks ladies. Your support really helps and Kelli you rock. Recovery accepts your compliment and am grateful for you and your friendship.

  4. Brande, you are so beautiful in your post treatment center pics...the other two make me cry. I love you so much and pray daily that God will release you from your ED hell. You deserve to love the beautiful amazing woman that you are.

  5. I don't know you but I am proud of you. I don't mean to say this and sound corny or OTT but you are a strong, gutsy, gorgeous woman! You deserve a happy healthy life. Stay strong and true

  6. I understand the torment of "Ana" and I commend you for having the courage to stand up and fight it, even when "Ana" screamed that you were wrong. Your pre treatment photos are sad. You looked too fragile to play with your children. In your post treatment photos you look absolutely gorgeous and healthy. I have no doubt that your life and your family's lives have been greatly enriched by your decision to choose health and life over "Ana". Well done. I really hope other people plagued by "Ana" will see your page and be inspired by you. I wish you a very happy and healthy future. x

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  8. Absolutely love this. and a HGUE congratulation on your progress in recovery, thats SUCH strength.

    I found your blog while researching for information on Ed's in children, funny what google brings up... it is such a relief to find someone winning the battle! And to have done so through therapy... incredible! All the best !! :)