Sunday, January 31, 2010

Clarifying anorexic set back!

After receiving a harsh comment from someone I feel very close to on my entry right before this one I feel need to clarify a few things.
Anyone who has ever truly battled this DISEASE would know this. And the longer the battle, the longer the recovery PROCESS!
Truthfully I feel I am on this pedestal because for a while I was "plowing" through recovery despite my world around me completely crashing down on me. Everyone has a breaking point and I, too, am human. I don't discount all the good. I appreciate so much having my kids, Mike, my family, friends, and support. I am extremely humble and don't take anything for granted.
I am merely struggling at this moment in time and expressing what it is to go through this while still VERY MUCH wanting FULL RECOVERY!
I am not abandoning RECOVERY. I am struggling with seeing "pseudo" fat and feeling sick about myself with where I am at in life with no job while being a single mom. It is what it is at the moment and I WILL get through it somehow, some way. I WILL beat this. I am merely struggling at the moment...

"Ana's death grips"~ don't even want to admit this!

I hate "ana". I hate that I am even struggling. I went to church with Mike for the first time this morning. Not only did they sing a beautiful song ( Mighty to Save) that they had never sang at that church and is my ring tone on my phone but the pastor also touched on body image and anorexia! Whoa. I was fighting back the tears and thankful Mike just comforted me and supported me.
Mike has done a lot for me right down to eating with me and reminding me. But this all isn't fair to him. When I am not with him, like right now, I am drinking coffee and restricting. I am not even sure why other than maybe because I can see my ribs and craving it all again. I keep thinking just lose 5 pounds and will be okay but Mike is right when he says even a pound is dangerous and noticeable at this point. So I eat some and fight the tears. I am holding back.
I am frustrated with myself and mad at myself which only makes me want to restrict to punish what a screw up I am. I was doing ok until lack of finances made me drop therapy and dietician and then I got the flu which made me drop weight fast and into danger zone.
I miss Dr. Waraich and it kills me I can't see her even once to have something to tide me over until Victim Witness kicks in. I am eating some and getting by for now but fear I can drop very easily because the nausea I had last year while refeeding has set in again and I have been having other physical symptoms making it hard to eat. I have no desires to eat whatsoever. It's becoming more and more like a chore and burden to me.
I need to pull out of this. That's why I write this; to expose the real truth of my intentions to lose more weight so that maybe I wont. Maybe I can just gain the weight but want to push Mike away so as not to burden him and others. Not push away completely, just with the anorexia. I am not emaciated, just struggling. I want to be me without this so dealing alone would mean others will let it go.
((hugs)) Brandee

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Getting back on track through misery :(

These were taken yesterday. I love seeing Mike with my kids as he is so good to them and they adore him. I have never felt so loved and so secure as I do by Mike. I am truly grateful~
I have a job interview tomorrow. Not a good paying job but a job I could use until I find something with better pay and more stability. It also offers benefits so I can go back to therapy in a month or two, granted I get this job. I am still hoping for more interviews and applying at several places.
Food is very much a struggle right now as I have no idea about money coming in and some bills will go unpaid. It's so hard to fully enjoy all the good with Mike and the kids when there's a dark cloud directly over me of the stress of finances. I have never felt so low yet so happy in my life.
I am beyond frustrated because I want recovery more than anything. Had I had counseling and my dietician like I am supposed to it would be easier for me to be more dedicated. I am not saying it's easy even with all that as we all know how hard it is. I don't waste time in therapy or take it for granted. I don't play games and am honest. Mike has been incredible in this area. Almost too much. At times I want to just tell him all is ok and not to ask or worry anymore but he won't. I think that's "ana" wanting me to isolate. I have also connected with a lady, Joyce, who truly understands it as well. At the same time I feel like such a burden. I feel ashamed for struggling. I feel stuck. I want to run from it all and just act ok. I hate feeling undeserving and like I need the punishment of starvation.
I am concerned because I don't have an appetite and had finally got my appetite back after almost a year. I also just don't enjoy eating. I feel like I just need to get through all this somehow some way and get back on track. Just too much thrown at me all at once and trying to keep treading above the water seems insurmountable at times. I feel so weak and hate it. I do intend to gain and do intend to get back on track and am. I am just miserable doing so~
A close friend of mine, Yvonne, sister Kathy was found dead on her kitchen floor two days ago. She battled anorexia 35 years. My heart just aches for Yvonne and Kathy's 2 son's she left behind. It hits ao close to home. I am committed to being more powerful than this disease but know I can't do it alone~

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Barriers in Recovery :(

Thank you all who commented on my last blog entry. Your support means so much. I have stayed afloat because of support and a lot because of Mike. I have been so blessed that he just gets it. He doesn't cater to "ana" and is tough and just what I need. He's extremely supportive and encouraging. I almost hate leaning on him so much but he just understand it so well on so many levels. In many ways he's taken the place of Dr. Waraich until I can see her again.
Ana is very powerful. For me right now at this moment it's not about the weight though I have hit danger zone. If I don't know how I will put gas in my car to even get support or pay my bills this month how can I focus? How can I not be depressed which we know resorts to starving for those who understand Ana? I have been active in sending and faxing resumes with cover letters but no control over call backs and don't know day to day how to survive. All the support in the world won't keep a roof over my kids heads nor pay the bills. It's one thing to be in recovery with a therapist, dieticin, group, and other support but when you want recovery and have all those taken away due to finances then what? The stress I feel physically is overwhelming. When alone I just cry in defeat :(

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Starving as form of punishment :-(

I am in tears as I write. Hard to get the right words out. I just feel like such a fuck up in so many ways. Despite no job I truly am happy with Mike and feel ok about life in general. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I don't discount any of this but I have my breaking point and feel I am falling. All I want to do is restrict right now at this moment.
I am overwhelmed with no job and finances and bills piling. I hate where I live. I am in the negative this coming month and somewhat this month. I want recovery so bad but can't even see Dr. Waraich or my dietician for a while. I worry about leaning on Mike too much because he really does "get it" and understands and it's so easy to eat with him and want recovery with him.
I just plain don't feel good about me right now because I seem to screw so many things up and when you worry you will be homeless come March the stress is plain overwhelming. It's depressing and hard to keep afloat. I try to see all the positives and be thankful and am but am just plain overwhelemed emotionally and spiritually right now. I do need support but no funds for it. I have nothing and sometimes feel I am nothing~ I just hurt so much right now~

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


ok so I am pretty sure we have all been there. Over calculate calories, spread food on our plates, act full when not, exercise in secret and the list goes on. We claim recovery yet get embarrassed to say some of these behaviors still haunt us and creep in time to time.
I have struggled with these very recently. I can feel my spine and hip bones and see my ribs and crave it but I do want to gain because I look at these photos and think I look better in them and Mike agrees. Who doesn't want to please their significant other?!
Financially I can't see my therapist or my dietician. Not good. I am hoping to get on Victim Witness due to a restraining order I have for domestic violence (on my ex husband) and get back into therapy but in the mean time need some accountability. I have this in Mike, Medusa, and a few others. It's embarrassing to really say what it is I am struggling with because I want to claim full recovery and can't. I am embarrassed that after 9 months of recovery I am still on significant weight gain but at least not complete danger zone!
I encourage you to find the support, tell your secrets, have someone weigh you backwards for accountability as embarrassing as it is ( I am doing this now), and expose Ana or Ed or Ednos as much as you can to allow recovery to take hold and allow the love and support of others to infiltrate you completely~

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Ana has crept in again:(

These two pictures were taken right before or around being in treatment at Reasons. Just a reminder of how I fell this past year and how very close I am to these images now if I don't catch this.
OK so it's time to admit to myself that I have been struggling again big time! It started with the flu a week ago. My weight was already somewhat down with stress of no job yet and issues with my ex. I tried to stay afloat and strong despite it all. Then I got the flu real bad and dropped 4 pounds within day. That's all it took to see the ribs and hip bones, due to my already low weight, and I was hooked in once again!
I had been trying to cover it up and trying to act tough about it thinking it would go away or no one would notice. I never thought my boyfriend would actually notice and understand. He is aware of my history with it as I have been up front but also been in recovery since April. I was ashamed to tell him I wanted to lose more and that I craved it. I was also ashamed to tell him I didn't deserve to eat and was hurting from the abuse of my ex and not feeling adequate.
There have been a few times Mike has offered me something to eat and I say I am full or queesy or will eat later. He has yet to fall for any of it and simply puts food in front of me and ,though I have cringed and screamed inside, I ate! Even speaking on the phone with him last night he had me drink an ensure while he was still on the phone despite being exhausted.
Mike does not baby me or push the issue though he's not afraid to speak against ana when he sees fit. He is not enmeshed. He's outsmarting ana where I have been afraid to and it's working!
If any of you are struggling I suggest reaching out and being honest with at least one or two people to keep you accountable and on track and to get your needs met in a healthy way. We all fall, it's part of recovery. Recognize when you are in danger, as I am now and fighting my way up despite ana screaming loud and clear in my ears to lose more, crave the bones, and be emaciated! I love life and there's so much more to life than this.