These were taken yesterday. I love seeing Mike with my kids as he is so good to them and they adore him. I have never felt so loved and so secure as I do by Mike. I am truly grateful~
I have a job interview tomorrow. Not a good paying job but a job I could use until I find something with better pay and more stability. It also offers benefits so I can go back to therapy in a month or two, granted I get this job. I am still hoping for more interviews and applying at several places.
Food is very much a struggle right now as I have no idea about money coming in and some bills will go unpaid. It's so hard to fully enjoy all the good with Mike and the kids when there's a dark cloud directly over me of the stress of finances. I have never felt so low yet so happy in my life.
I am beyond frustrated because I want recovery more than anything. Had I had counseling and my dietician like I am supposed to it would be easier for me to be more dedicated. I am not saying it's easy even with all that as we all know how hard it is. I don't waste time in therapy or take it for granted. I don't play games and am honest. Mike has been incredible in this area. Almost too much. At times I want to just tell him all is ok and not to ask or worry anymore but he won't. I think that's "ana" wanting me to isolate. I have also connected with a lady, Joyce, who truly understands it as well. At the same time I feel like such a burden. I feel ashamed for struggling. I feel stuck. I want to run from it all and just act ok. I hate feeling undeserving and like I need the punishment of starvation.
I am concerned because I don't have an appetite and had finally got my appetite back after almost a year. I also just don't enjoy eating. I feel like I just need to get through all this somehow some way and get back on track. Just too much thrown at me all at once and trying to keep treading above the water seems insurmountable at times. I feel so weak and hate it. I do intend to gain and do intend to get back on track and am. I am just miserable doing so~
A close friend of mine, Yvonne, sister Kathy was found dead on her kitchen floor two days ago. She battled anorexia 35 years. My heart just aches for Yvonne and Kathy's 2 son's she left behind. It hits ao close to home. I am committed to being more powerful than this disease but know I can't do it alone~