Sunday, January 24, 2010

Getting back on track through misery :(

These were taken yesterday. I love seeing Mike with my kids as he is so good to them and they adore him. I have never felt so loved and so secure as I do by Mike. I am truly grateful~
I have a job interview tomorrow. Not a good paying job but a job I could use until I find something with better pay and more stability. It also offers benefits so I can go back to therapy in a month or two, granted I get this job. I am still hoping for more interviews and applying at several places.
Food is very much a struggle right now as I have no idea about money coming in and some bills will go unpaid. It's so hard to fully enjoy all the good with Mike and the kids when there's a dark cloud directly over me of the stress of finances. I have never felt so low yet so happy in my life.
I am beyond frustrated because I want recovery more than anything. Had I had counseling and my dietician like I am supposed to it would be easier for me to be more dedicated. I am not saying it's easy even with all that as we all know how hard it is. I don't waste time in therapy or take it for granted. I don't play games and am honest. Mike has been incredible in this area. Almost too much. At times I want to just tell him all is ok and not to ask or worry anymore but he won't. I think that's "ana" wanting me to isolate. I have also connected with a lady, Joyce, who truly understands it as well. At the same time I feel like such a burden. I feel ashamed for struggling. I feel stuck. I want to run from it all and just act ok. I hate feeling undeserving and like I need the punishment of starvation.
I am concerned because I don't have an appetite and had finally got my appetite back after almost a year. I also just don't enjoy eating. I feel like I just need to get through all this somehow some way and get back on track. Just too much thrown at me all at once and trying to keep treading above the water seems insurmountable at times. I feel so weak and hate it. I do intend to gain and do intend to get back on track and am. I am just miserable doing so~
A close friend of mine, Yvonne, sister Kathy was found dead on her kitchen floor two days ago. She battled anorexia 35 years. My heart just aches for Yvonne and Kathy's 2 son's she left behind. It hits ao close to home. I am committed to being more powerful than this disease but know I can't do it alone~


  1. Good job in this posting. By the way, what you DON'T see in these pics is the big chocolate shake that she (nearly) finished on our big outing. (Note the straw sticking out from behind her purse). Little outings/events like these seem to be helping.

  2. All the best for your job interview!
    Just letting you know that your blog posts really touch me as they remind me so very much of my struggle with ana. And that I think you're very, very strong, brave and sincerely committed to recovery which is incredibly admirable.

  3. Thanks babe and for taking us and helping every step of the way. The shake was really good even if it did take a few hours to finish with your encouragement. Thanks Aksinja for your lovely comment. I encourage you to embrace recovery though difficult. The only alternative is eventual death through ana.

  4. Brande, what a great friend and soulmate you have in Mike. With his support, you will win this battle. There's no doubt in my mind. And what a beautiful couple you are.

    Food is not your enemy. It's just going to take you time to get back on track. With all the stress you have in your life, I know it's difficult. Once the stress subsides, you'll find it so much easier to enjoy food and life.

    Take care, sweetie. Thinking of you and hoping the job interview went well.

    ~ Medusa

  5. Go the shake, I admire your strength, I am also very committed to recovery, It is so wonderful to see people with such immense support from their loved ones, thank god for partners like Mike. My partner just never ever understood. I understand it is so hard for some people, it was hard for me to even understand for such a long time. your children are adorable, and you are an inspiration.
    take care