Sunday, January 31, 2010

"Ana's death grips"~ don't even want to admit this!

I hate "ana". I hate that I am even struggling. I went to church with Mike for the first time this morning. Not only did they sing a beautiful song ( Mighty to Save) that they had never sang at that church and is my ring tone on my phone but the pastor also touched on body image and anorexia! Whoa. I was fighting back the tears and thankful Mike just comforted me and supported me.
Mike has done a lot for me right down to eating with me and reminding me. But this all isn't fair to him. When I am not with him, like right now, I am drinking coffee and restricting. I am not even sure why other than maybe because I can see my ribs and craving it all again. I keep thinking just lose 5 pounds and will be okay but Mike is right when he says even a pound is dangerous and noticeable at this point. So I eat some and fight the tears. I am holding back.
I am frustrated with myself and mad at myself which only makes me want to restrict to punish what a screw up I am. I was doing ok until lack of finances made me drop therapy and dietician and then I got the flu which made me drop weight fast and into danger zone.
I miss Dr. Waraich and it kills me I can't see her even once to have something to tide me over until Victim Witness kicks in. I am eating some and getting by for now but fear I can drop very easily because the nausea I had last year while refeeding has set in again and I have been having other physical symptoms making it hard to eat. I have no desires to eat whatsoever. It's becoming more and more like a chore and burden to me.
I need to pull out of this. That's why I write this; to expose the real truth of my intentions to lose more weight so that maybe I wont. Maybe I can just gain the weight but want to push Mike away so as not to burden him and others. Not push away completely, just with the anorexia. I am not emaciated, just struggling. I want to be me without this so dealing alone would mean others will let it go.
((hugs)) Brandee


  1. You can do it Brande. You are right, it's Ana pushing Mike away to isolate you so you turn back to her. You can't let Ana be stronger than you, you are a bigger person than she is and you have so much more to live for than she does. She is weak or she wouldn't try to control your life. You can beat her, it's a mind game. Stay strong, and please, let me know if you need anything, I'm here for you.

  2. Thanks Suzanne. I will be fine. Always am.

  3. Hang in there. I'm right beside you through this. Ana pisses me off, but I love. :-)

  4. Thanks for separating it sweetie and for going above and beyond. I will get through this rough patch and someday be helping someone else through the same thing once I get untangled. I love you babe! Muah!