"Ana's death grips"~ don't even want to admit this!

I hate "ana". I hate that I am even struggling. I went to church with Mike for the first time this morning. Not only did they sing a beautiful song ( Mighty to Save) that they had never sang at that church and is my ring tone on my phone but the pastor also touched on body image and anorexia! Whoa. I was fighting back the tears and thankful Mike just comforted me and supported me.

Mike has done a lot for me right down to eating with me and reminding me. But this all isn't fair to him. When I am not with him, like right now, I am drinking coffee and restricting. I am not even sure why other than maybe because I can see my ribs and craving it all again. I keep thinking just lose 5 pounds and will be okay but Mike is right when he says even a pound is dangerous and noticeable at this point. So I eat some and fight the tears. I am holding back.

I am frustrated with myself and mad at myself which only makes me want to restrict to punish what a screw up I am. I was doing ok until lack of finances made me drop therapy and dietician and then I got the flu which made me drop weight fast and into danger zone.

I miss Dr. Waraich and it kills me I can't see her even once to have something to tide me over until Victim Witness kicks in. I am eating some and getting by for now but fear I can drop very easily because the nausea I had last year while refeeding has set in again and I have been having other physical symptoms making it hard to eat. I have no desires to eat whatsoever. It's becoming more and more like a chore and burden to me.

I need to pull out of this. That's why I write this; to expose the real truth of my intentions to lose more weight so that maybe I wont. Maybe I can just gain the weight but want to push Mike away so as not to burden him and others. Not push away completely, just with the anorexia. I am not emaciated, just struggling. I want to be me without this so dealing alone would mean others will let it go.

((hugs)) Brandee