Wednesday, March 31, 2010

119 lbs and counting... Up! Recovery power!!!!

Just random shots of the boys in younger years and my twin and I.
So I had to have a physical for my new job with a foster agency yesterday. I knew I would be weighed and didn't bother with the whole backwards thing this time. I was a bit shocked at first when she said 119!!!!!! I started to get a little freaked over it but after some support from Mike and self talk I felt fine. I went and ate a double cheeseburger right after because I was hungry. Wow to listening to my body and not that bitch Ana.
I started to think that, for my 5'8 frame, 119 wasn't a huge and overwhelming number anymore and that to get to the low end of what I should be (130) would mean only 11 pounds to go. I thought I have already gotten this far so why not? Why not really make more of an effort to finish gaining and see how I do? If I am accepting of this weight now, which is extremely high in Ana terms, then why not 11 more pounds?
Lately I haven't been as focused on my weight. I have my internal moments but manage. I am not always good about every meal though trying to be more aware. I still have fears but try not to let them overwhelm me so I try to shift my focus to my kids or Mike or now my new job I start Monday. If I continue to put my energies into all of these things there wont be much time to spend with Ana and soon she will be wiped out all together.
I have had more energy lately with eating more of a variety and being more aware. I still have many down moments from lack of nutrients and some drama with my ex but other than that I am feeling ok and looking forward...
Hope you all can do the same and get the support you need~
(fb Brande Gomer)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

One of Ana's worst fears~ A BIKINI!!!!!!

I just took these tonight. I have been struggling some with food intake merely because I am not hungry or am rarely ever hungry. Being sick for 2 weeks didn't help.
I can point to fat and flaws but I will refrain from glorifying ana.
I am aiming for a real bikini body. Part of me can't imagine adding weight to this then another part says "well I could use some more up top (lmao) and I can see ribs somewhat." So why not a few more pounds? Why not a little curvier?
Many people with Ed's often focus on flaws and any hint of anything other than pure bone!!!! For me, skin was fat. I hate the stomach area but with women we have a stomach. It's very normal and to try and get rid of that one area means extreme emaciation and possible death to get there.
I have worn a bikini in front of Mike and another couple we hang out with. This weekend we will be with a few more people in the jacuzzi. It's a bit challenging for me but having fun with drinks, good friends, and junk food (that this former ana girl will be bringing :-)), far outweighs any challenges ana may try to bring. In other words the bitch is out and I am in!
So I bare me. Plain and simple me. Enjoying fun times. Living life. Eating and drinking what I want. Wearing my bikini around others and not focusing on anything other than a good time!
I challenge you all to do the same~
Brandee (fb Brande Gomer)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Food Shrapnel~

It's been a while since I have blogged due to being ill for nearly 2 weeks and being a bit down about no job. I do have some hope in that I go back for a second interview next week. If I get the job I would be working 20 hours a week supervising visits with bio families, working with abused and neglected children in foster care. I did this for 9 years previously. Praying!!!!!
I took a picture of this mangled peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had at Mike's house a few weeks ago. I didn't really care for the bread too much and he puts lots of peanut butter and jelly on it. As we were eating he kept noticing how I would take off the crust then pick off more of it and wipe off some of the peanut butter and jelly. This is what the end result was and what Mike calls my "food shrapnel". lol It's not the first time I have done this. While I am a picky eater, though a bit better since Reasons, I should be eating complete meals and pushing myself a little more.
I am still struggling with eating and right now feel numb with it all as though I am not anorexic but not eating as much as I should. I am not even focused on my body right now. I think I am just so focused on landing a job and having more stability so that I can get back into counseling.
Challenging you all to call yourself on your "shit" like Mike does to me!!!!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Skeleton in the closet~ (may be triggering)

For those who have been following my blog, you have seen these. I repost for the purpose of this new entry and for new followers as I have several posts that most likely don't get read anymore.
I have been triggered a few times this week which brought me to this entry. I need to give "ana" a voice so those who don't understand this disease might be able to have some insight and help those they love who struggle.
As I was looking at other blogs on recovery and sifting through others' stories I started to think I was never that skinny. I was never that anorexic. It made me think I needed to get there again. There was a strong urge. It made me look down upon my body in self hate again. I started to think that I wasn't good enough even in anorexia!!!!! That somehow I didn't measure up!!!!
I look at these photos and I see fat in them. I don't see an "emaciated, extreme, successful" anorexic!!!! That in itself shows how ingrained and deadly this disease is.
I never got to the 80's or 70's for that matter. I got to 92 for my 5'8 frame and even then saw fat! I felt I was not "anorexic" enough. Because by the time you lose just a few pounds, which in my case turned into 48 pounds, the disease has reared it's ugly head and sunk its teeth into your entire being, your mind, your heart, your soul and sets out to deplete you of you!!!!
Sitting on the couch yesterday next to Mike I kept focusing on my stomach. I ate a decent breakfast (as I needed to) and with refeeding it shows a lot in your stomach until you are at your range. He kept calling me on it, in which I would stop. I realized how ingrained and easy it was to keep going back to it. I then turned the focus to my thighs after seeing an anorexic whose thighs were much thinner. I started to self loathe again but Mike wouldn't stand for it and I stopped. It's easy to focus on any little fat anywhere. It's ingrained. Without accountability it would be easy to truly fall way back into the disorder.
With "ana" I shake my legs a lot for exercise (except with Mike because he notices that too and stops it). I self loathe. I focus on fat instead of beautiful curves. I haven't fully given myself permission to accept me for me, flaws and all. Quite frankly "ana" magnifies any flaws so in reality I don't think my body is all that bad. Even with gaining a few more I will have curves in the right places and heck maybe some fuller boobs! lmao Mike totally helps with body image.
Not everyone gets a Mike but to really be open with your disorder and the recovery can help a great deal. lately I have been extremely open with thoughts and what makes "ana" tick so that I can make Recovery tick louder and shut "ana" the fuck up! I have two people and of course this blog. Mike and Joyce. Which brings me to another point.
Two nights ago I was rushing all day. I was also in a funk. I had eaten one small meal for breakfast and was due to spend time with Mike, his daughter, Joyce, and her husband. I text both Mike and Joyce about running a few minutes late and might get a burrito as I hadn't eaten all day other than breakfast and it was near 6 p.m. I then just said I would eat later after we all relaxed in the jacuzzi etc. I thought a few more hours wouldn't hurt. I also knew with Mike it would happen before the night's end as he's like the gestapo. lol anyhow Joyce had offered to make me dinner of what she had for dinner and I kept declining. I really just felt like restricting (though refused to tell them that)! When I showed up she and Mike had a plate waiting. Even though I was a half hour late they waited to go in the jacuzzi then Mike sat and kept me company until I finished, as did Joyce for part of the time. I was near tears and trying to hold back because in that moment I felt PROTECTED from "ana". Dinner was great and I was not overwhelmed at all.
I encourage you all to be accountable even when you feel it might be embarrassing or burdensome etc. Tell on "ana" or "ed" or "ednos".
Exposure is key to recovery.
Brandee (also on fb under Brande Gomer)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Connecting Recovery in my head to my feet~

These were taken today. Starting to get some curves. A little nervous but Mike has really helped in this area. Everyone has been so encouraging and the comments I receive here have further helped my recovery~
As I was walking into court this morning I glanced at the glass walls into the courtroom and actually saw a thin girl standing there. I usually see big hips and thighs and big arms. Court was uneventful other than the weirdos you see who either stand too close or talk to themselves etc. Quite entertaining at times as most know I have spent 2 years in family court with my youngest and now wanting a restraining order to stick against my ex-husband. But that's for another blog!
Oh but wait. At court while waiting to deliver documents to the bailiff I was shaky and light headed. I text Mike about it as I was a little nervous. I hadn't eaten but never eat early anyway and this was like 8:15. He of course tells me to eat etc and gets after me. I mention I would go to Baker's for a bean, egg, cheese burrito. But then I was upset moments later thinking about my ex and why I even bothered with a continuance, which my ex needed because of his job. He's the abuser and yet here I was getting the continuance granted for HIM! It required me going to file more paper work and then having to go again tomorrow to pick it up and have him served. I suddenly felt sick like I was going to puke. I was about to forget breakfast all together. Mike helped me through and ultimately I went and got breakfast on my way to seeing him.
On my way to Mike's I started to think about how in my head and heart I want recovery. I want to gain and be healthy and be the "smokin hot girl" Mike states when I get to my goal. I want to speak at school's and speak at the hospital I was in for 3 months last year. I truly want to live life without Ana. When I really dig deep I know it's ME who wants life without an eating disorder though at times Ana creeps in and makes me think I myself don't want it bad enough.
So while it's in my heart and head, I have not been able to connect it to my feet! Of course not in the literal sense! I have done the talking but not quite all the walking!
Right now the food is overwhelming but it wont always be this way. Right now I struggle with body image but it wont always be this way. Right now I have a lot of pain and struggles in daily life but it wont always be this way.
I have to find a way to "walk recovery" and will and today I have!