These were taken today. Starting to get some curves. A little nervous but Mike has really helped in this area. Everyone has been so encouraging and the comments I receive here have further helped my recovery~
As I was walking into court this morning I glanced at the glass walls into the courtroom and actually saw a thin girl standing there. I usually see big hips and thighs and big arms. Court was uneventful other than the weirdos you see who either stand too close or talk to themselves etc. Quite entertaining at times as most know I have spent 2 years in family court with my youngest and now wanting a restraining order to stick against my ex-husband. But that's for another blog!
Oh but wait. At court while waiting to deliver documents to the bailiff I was shaky and light headed. I text Mike about it as I was a little nervous. I hadn't eaten but never eat early anyway and this was like 8:15. He of course tells me to eat etc and gets after me. I mention I would go to Baker's for a bean, egg, cheese burrito. But then I was upset moments later thinking about my ex and why I even bothered with a continuance, which my ex needed because of his job. He's the abuser and yet here I was getting the continuance granted for HIM! It required me going to file more paper work and then having to go again tomorrow to pick it up and have him served. I suddenly felt sick like I was going to puke. I was about to forget breakfast all together. Mike helped me through and ultimately I went and got breakfast on my way to seeing him.
On my way to Mike's I started to think about how in my head and heart I want recovery. I want to gain and be healthy and be the "smokin hot girl" Mike states when I get to my goal. I want to speak at school's and speak at the hospital I was in for 3 months last year. I truly want to live life without Ana. When I really dig deep I know it's ME who wants life without an eating disorder though at times Ana creeps in and makes me think I myself don't want it bad enough.
So while it's in my heart and head, I have not been able to connect it to my feet! Of course not in the literal sense! I have done the talking but not quite all the walking!
Right now the food is overwhelming but it wont always be this way. Right now I struggle with body image but it wont always be this way. Right now I have a lot of pain and struggles in daily life but it wont always be this way.
I have to find a way to "walk recovery" and will and today I have!