For those who have been following my blog, you have seen these. I repost for the purpose of this new entry and for new followers as I have several posts that most likely don't get read anymore.
I have been triggered a few times this week which brought me to this entry. I need to give "ana" a voice so those who don't understand this disease might be able to have some insight and help those they love who struggle.
As I was looking at other blogs on recovery and sifting through others' stories I started to think I was never that skinny. I was never that anorexic. It made me think I needed to get there again. There was a strong urge. It made me look down upon my body in self hate again. I started to think that I wasn't good enough even in anorexia!!!!! That somehow I didn't measure up!!!!
I look at these photos and I see fat in them. I don't see an "emaciated, extreme, successful" anorexic!!!! That in itself shows how ingrained and deadly this disease is.
I never got to the 80's or 70's for that matter. I got to 92 for my 5'8 frame and even then saw fat! I felt I was not "anorexic" enough. Because by the time you lose just a few pounds, which in my case turned into 48 pounds, the disease has reared it's ugly head and sunk its teeth into your entire being, your mind, your heart, your soul and sets out to deplete you of you!!!!
Sitting on the couch yesterday next to Mike I kept focusing on my stomach. I ate a decent breakfast (as I needed to) and with refeeding it shows a lot in your stomach until you are at your range. He kept calling me on it, in which I would stop. I realized how ingrained and easy it was to keep going back to it. I then turned the focus to my thighs after seeing an anorexic whose thighs were much thinner. I started to self loathe again but Mike wouldn't stand for it and I stopped. It's easy to focus on any little fat anywhere. It's ingrained. Without accountability it would be easy to truly fall way back into the disorder.
With "ana" I shake my legs a lot for exercise (except with Mike because he notices that too and stops it). I self loathe. I focus on fat instead of beautiful curves. I haven't fully given myself permission to accept me for me, flaws and all. Quite frankly "ana" magnifies any flaws so in reality I don't think my body is all that bad. Even with gaining a few more I will have curves in the right places and heck maybe some fuller boobs! lmao Mike totally helps with body image.
Not everyone gets a Mike but to really be open with your disorder and the recovery can help a great deal. lately I have been extremely open with thoughts and what makes "ana" tick so that I can make Recovery tick louder and shut "ana" the fuck up! I have two people and of course this blog. Mike and Joyce. Which brings me to another point.
Two nights ago I was rushing all day. I was also in a funk. I had eaten one small meal for breakfast and was due to spend time with Mike, his daughter, Joyce, and her husband. I text both Mike and Joyce about running a few minutes late and might get a burrito as I hadn't eaten all day other than breakfast and it was near 6 p.m. I then just said I would eat later after we all relaxed in the jacuzzi etc. I thought a few more hours wouldn't hurt. I also knew with Mike it would happen before the night's end as he's like the gestapo. lol anyhow Joyce had offered to make me dinner of what she had for dinner and I kept declining. I really just felt like restricting (though refused to tell them that)! When I showed up she and Mike had a plate waiting. Even though I was a half hour late they waited to go in the jacuzzi then Mike sat and kept me company until I finished, as did Joyce for part of the time. I was near tears and trying to hold back because in that moment I felt PROTECTED from "ana". Dinner was great and I was not overwhelmed at all.
I encourage you all to be accountable even when you feel it might be embarrassing or burdensome etc. Tell on "ana" or "ed" or "ednos".
Exposure is key to recovery.
Brandee (also on fb under Brande Gomer)