For those who have been following my blog, you have seen these. I repost for the purpose of this new entry and for new followers as I have several posts that most likely don't get read anymore. I have been triggered a few times this week which brought me to this entry. I need to give "ana" a voice so those who don't understand this disease might be able to have some insight and help those they love who struggle.
As I was looking at other blogs on recovery and sifting through others' stories I started to think I was never that skinny. I was never that anorexic. It made me think I needed to get there again. There was a strong urge. It made me look down upon my body in self hate again. I started to think that I wasn't good enough even in anorexia!!!!! That somehow I didn't measure up!!!!
I look at these photos and I see fat in them. I don't see an "emaciated, extreme, successful" anorexic!!!! That in itself shows how ingrained and deadly this disease is.
I never got to the 80's or 70's for that matter. I got to 92 for my 5'8 frame and even then saw fat! I felt I was not "anorexic" enough. Because by the time you lose just a few pounds, which in my case turned into 48 pounds, the disease has reared it's ugly head and sunk its teeth into your entire being, your mind, your heart, your soul and sets out to deplete you of you!!!!
Sitting on the couch yesterday next to Mike I kept focusing on my stomach. I ate a decent breakfast (as I needed to) and with refeeding it shows a lot in your stomach until you are at your range. He kept calling me on it, in which I would stop. I realized how ingrained and easy it was to keep going back to it. I then turned the focus to my thighs after seeing an anorexic whose thighs were much thinner. I started to self loathe again but Mike wouldn't stand for it and I stopped. It's easy to focus on any little fat anywhere. It's ingrained. Without accountability it would be easy to truly fall way back into the disorder.
With "ana" I shake my legs a lot for exercise (except with Mike because he notices that too and stops it). I self loathe. I focus on fat instead of beautiful curves. I haven't fully given myself permission to accept me for me, flaws and all. Quite frankly "ana" magnifies any flaws so in reality I don't think my body is all that bad. Even with gaining a few more I will have curves in the right places and heck maybe some fuller boobs! lmao Mike totally helps with body image.
Not everyone gets a Mike but to really be open with your disorder and the recovery can help a great deal. lately I have been extremely open with thoughts and what makes "ana" tick so that I can make Recovery tick louder and shut "ana" the fuck up! I have two people and of course this blog. Mike and Joyce. Which brings me to another point.
Two nights ago I was rushing all day. I was also in a funk. I had eaten one small meal for breakfast and was due to spend time with Mike, his daughter, Joyce, and her husband. I text both Mike and Joyce about running a few minutes late and might get a burrito as I hadn't eaten all day other than breakfast and it was near 6 p.m. I then just said I would eat later after we all relaxed in the jacuzzi etc. I thought a few more hours wouldn't hurt. I also knew with Mike it would happen before the night's end as he's like the gestapo. lol anyhow Joyce had offered to make me dinner of what she had for dinner and I kept declining. I really just felt like restricting (though refused to tell them that)! When I showed up she and Mike had a plate waiting. Even though I was a half hour late they waited to go in the jacuzzi then Mike sat and kept me company until I finished, as did Joyce for part of the time. I was near tears and trying to hold back because in that moment I felt PROTECTED from "ana". Dinner was great and I was not overwhelmed at all.
I encourage you all to be accountable even when you feel it might be embarrassing or burdensome etc. Tell on "ana" or "ed" or "ednos".
Exposure is key to recovery.
((hugs))
Brandee (also on fb under Brande Gomer)
Brandee,
ReplyDeleteYour strength and courage are so inspiring. I really hope that if you were reading my blogs that they didn't trigger you because that was never my intention. I will tell you that out of all of the girls on here, that i read your blogs the most often and relate most to you. We are in a very similar position with our recovery process. We even both have husbands/partners trying to support us.
I dont have the friends to make sure I eat when i try to avoid food, its up to me to call myself out on my bullshit, except my husband he will call me out some of the time but not all of the time, i think sometimes he is just too overwhelmed by my illness himself and doesn't want to think about it.
Anyway as far as feeling like you weren't anorexic enough...i can relate to those feelings. Thats not an easy thing to admit and Im proud of you. I know what its like, and that mentality is the very reason that i wont participate in an in patient group or any kind of ana group.
I know you have many people telling you this, but maybe hearing it from someone like me will help a little. I think your a beautiful BEAUTIFUL girl. But i can clearly see the effects of the ana on your body in your older pics. I can also see how radiant and amazing you look now.
I appreciate your honesty in your blog because it made me think.
Not only do I want to be accountable to myself but maybe i need to be more accountable to the other girls on here who are also trying to recover. We can all trigger eachother. Thats never what i wanted personally I only posted my pics so that girls who hadn't gotten to that point could realize how bad it can get...but you already know you've been there going through the same thing.
Your such a beautiful brave girl, and you are doing this...YOUR DOING IT!!!! your strength is an inspiration to me, i think of you sometimes when Im having a hard moment and remember that I can get better...sometimes when i falter i think i can never get better, but i remember your beautiful smiling face, and the fact that its all one day at a time, and we are doing our best.
Keep on being your honest amazing and beautiful self.
♥♥♥♥Much Love♥♥♥♥
Deanna
And another note, thank god you never got down to the 80's or 70's in your weight. E.D isn't a weight it's a mentality, its a mental disorder, its a jaded perception of a healthy body type. Its a failed coping mechanism or a need to control. Questioning whether your sick enough is just ana trying to fight back telling you, you dont need to gain weight, you were never that thin to begin with.....
ReplyDeleteWell we all know ana lies. But what im about to tell you is the truth.
Your beautiful absolutely shining beautiful, and the more you get healthy the more you will glow. Eventually you will embrace your beautiful body and celebrate internally knowing that you love you who you are....just one day at a time as you get there.
Thank you for making me think, and for being so honest
Being the best. I’m not really the “best” at anything, but I’m pretty good at gaining and loosing tons of weight, and of course torturing myself. I must be getting some need filled having people worry about me. It must be that I crave attention. And not the Hollywood look at me! look at me! crap. I mean attention like letting people know I matter don’t ignore me I’m here, care about me darn you! I can see how having a perfect day of not eating would make someone feel like something was accomplished. We are human beings and most likely we were hurt by parents, sibling, teacher etc and that kind of molded us the way we are now. Tiger Woods (he he ) did not grow up around people that made him feel small, not attractive enough, or unimportant. I don’t want our formative years discounted because reasons why the way we are now are hidden there. Explore your youth start to unravel the entire BS and hopefully see some of the why. I did and it was painful as hell, but at least I some answers. Brendee you are worth while, you matter, and people love you. I will bet your are doing better than ever. Your making it. My hat is off to you!
ReplyDeleteEdward
Thanks, Deanna. Your comments to Brandee are insightful, honest, caring, and cut to the core. I am an outsider looking in, but already understand how important the support of one another is in fighting "ana."
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate your note about your husband because as a partner, it is hard to fight a villain that we cannot see that appears within the person we love. It is a fine line to attack "ana" and leave our partner intact and better for it. Brandee is very kind in her assessment of me, but I fail in this regard from time to time, too.
Brandee - you ARE a lovely and beautiful woman, and definitely look healthier now than you did in these old pictures. Thank goodness we have each other. What a blessing!
- Mike
"Edward":
ReplyDeleteMore power to you struggling through this as a guy. I can only imagine how hard it is for you when people don't think of men with ED.
I hope you have someone to support you, as well. if nothing else, know that the others on this blog are caring and supportive.
- Mike
Wonderful post, Brande. Feeling loved and protected is so important in recovery.
ReplyDeleteDeanna's and Mike's comments are amazing...heartfelt and powerful.
Rock on, hon. You ARE doing it!
<3
I just came across your blog through clicking on random links on somebody else's page. I was intrigued by your story and looked back at your first few posts to get some background info. Did you go to the Reasons @ Alhambra Hospital? I was there a couple years ago when it was the Bella Vita...they were just starting to transition it. I had the Lisa RD/Lisa therapist team! Best wishes...I look forward to reading more :)
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say brandee that ive been thinking of you everyday, and cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to you. You are an amazing completely amazing person, and i have alot of care for you even though I dont know you. I wish I could know you though, i bet we would be good friends. If you ever need to talk please message me.
ReplyDeleteMike,
ReplyDeleteIt takes a courageous man to support a person with ED, and it takes a courageous person to recover from it. You and brandee are beautiful amazing people and the more i look through brandees blogs the more inspired I am by her. Mike dont be too hard on yourself, your only human and your emotions in this situation are very real and valid. Watching someone you love suffer is the hardest thing you can do, and its pretty damn difficult on the side of the anorexic because you feel guilty for what you are putting your partner through plus your trying to recover while dealing with emotions of worrying about how your partner feels, how they are affected by your actions and reactions. Sometimes ana can even be triggered just by problems in the relationship because often ana is a cry out for help, feeling like your being unheard can definitely trigger ana, feeling like your relationships out of control etc. But you have to remember that just because you may be incidentally the trigger from time to time, doesn't mean that your responsible in any way.
I bet you the reason brandee speaks so highly of you is because what she remembers above and beyond everything else is how well you love her, and support her and that beyond anything else your there holding her hand and accepting her for the wonderful beautiful person she is. Your waiting for her wellness, which shows her in your eyes that she is so worth your while, so worth the wait.
I think your a very loving person and that you are both lucky to have eachother.
Be Well
Deannna
I can feel it. Right now I can feel it. On the couch behind me is Evil Personality. My hands are shaking. My face is starting to burn, my mind is starting to clench, my heart is going to stop. I can feel the tears swell up and drip slowly down my soft face. I'm surprised I’m still writing. You are about to observe what it is like for me to talk to evil personality....
ReplyDeleteRead more at http://forbiddenregrets.blogspot.com
i feel the SAME way about seeing others' pictures and recovery stories. i'm in recovery myself...but i still get triggered so easily...:\ thanks for posting this, it made me feel like i wasn't the only one.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone so much for taking the time to comment. I have been going through quite a bit the past few weeks with being physically ill and searching for a job.
ReplyDeleteI am still managing though being ill has not helped weight gain. Mike continues to be extremely supportive.
JadedChalice~ Thanks so much for all your love and care. It has meant so much to me and i knnow my commenting so little isn't much but given time I will do more and post more. I did try and follow your blog but my computer froze so will try now!
I am also on fb (Brande with one e Gomer)
((hugs))
Brandee