Friday, December 31, 2010
The top two were taken last night and bottom one the day after Christmas. Christmas day I ended up in urgent care with a shot in my ass for intense migraines. They released me to my sister who took my boys and I to her house for the night and next day. Anyhow I was weighed at urgent care. Normally I would have asked to be weighed backwards or not at all but the pain was so bad I didn't say anything. I weighed 118!!!! I weighed myself again last night and it was the same so I can safely say I am currently 118! Just two more and I can get to my minimum goal of 120which has been a fear for 20 years! Of course it's still low end for my 5 '8 frame and I WILL keep gaining. It's just been a rough week with continual migraines and not being able to take strong meds because I am a single mom! Take note it's because an exposed nerve on a back molar all due to "ana" I believe! I am on antibiotics now but pain still bad.
It's been such a rough week and many times it would have been easy to restrict. It would have been easy to go back into "ana" behaviors. But I just don't want to!!!! I have also recently receivd a few compliments of how "good" and "healthy" I look which has helped immensely. I want to be healthy, not sickly.
I was at my dear friend Joyce's last night for a wedding rehearsal dinner as I am in a wedding tomorrow. We started talking about her sister who died of anorexia as well as a recent anorexic model who died. This gal modeled naked as an anorexic supposedly to show the ugly side but to me it glamorized it as she was often photo shopped. Joyce and I started talking about how sick girls are nowadays with WANTING to be anorexic and looking to sites for ideas. I never looked to sites as I knew enough and some of the ideas are quite stupid as we read a few last night. It saddened and sickened me and made me want to gain a few more pounds to reach my recovery goal my therapist has for me.
It's not easy so don't think it is. I have been on this road a long time and have had so much stress along the way and still have so much stress with court, finances, and general stress of being a single mom but recovery is so worth it and most importantly my boys and myself are worth it.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Top photo was a dear friend of mine on my and to 3 months of treatment last year. Bottom ones pre treatment.
It's been a hard few days and "ana" creeped in again. I was triggered by someone and I have been a bit down about some court stuff going on that is beyond sick and insane as usual. I am also under the weather with a sore throat and headache all day and didn't eat much. This is all it took for me to start missing "ana". I looked back at these photos and tried to see thinness. I realize that I was never the worse "ana" or bulimic out there but looking at these I realize how bad it really was and how I didn't see it when I was so engrossed in it.
I had to truly ask myself if this is what I really want and the answer is NO! I think I am really starting to embrace recovery this time around. A little more gaining and I can fully embrace a healthy figure and even more energy.
I have to remember I still need support through it all as I continue to gain and embrace a healthy and different lifestyle. I don't ever want to go back to "ana".
Sunday, December 19, 2010
No rhyme or reason to ths photo taken tonight other than I was practicing a hair style for a wedding I will be in New Year's day!
I have been thinking lately about this treacherous road of recovery. I have had a few ups and downs the past few days seeing my stomach protrude in time for a soon to be period and with all the food consumption to finish weight gain. I have also noticed my jeans are a bit tighter. It has not been easy to embrace, and at times "ana" SCREAMS to lose and exercise, but RECOVERY is in my tunnel vision! Eventully the weight will even out and the stomach will go down somewhat. It's not normal to have a concave stomach so I have to remind myself a little "pooch" at any given time is what women have and what makes us curvy and pretty. The best part thus far, I have to say, is my boobs are finally coming back. hehehe
It's not just about looks but about feeling better all around physically. I have enough stress with court crap, juggling work, and being a single mom of two gorgeous little boys. There's no room for "ana".
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Not the best photo but taken this morning after yet another fun filled day at court with craziness.
I finally grew into these size 2 court pants that have been hanging in my closet for a few years now. Gaining has never been easy to any anorexic that I know of. Gaining, maintaining, or losing is hard depending on what you struggle with. This leads me to another thought~
Recovery is a slow process. I have to remind myself daily I am in recovery. The norm for me is to set me aside, restrict, disappear basically. Anorexia has infiltrated so many aspects of my life even down to causing me to pick bad men and finding myself in court dealing with someone who is completely psychotic (yes, that is putting it very mildly).
I have to remind myself every day that anorexia is not the way to go. I don't want to be rail thin anymore. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to starve and not enjoy cake and chips at a party. I don't want to deny being in a wedding for fear I will look fat in a size small dress that does fit me. I don't want to feel faint, shaky, tired, depressed, etc. I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE! I want to eat when hungry and wear normal size clothes for my height ad NORMAL weight when I get there. I want my boobs back and my tight ass along with curves in the right places! I want to feel the sad feelings, the angry feelings, the frustrated feelings without starving my poor body who has been through enough already. 20 years of this shit is enough!
Time to embrace me. a bit scary and uneasy to do but definitely doable! Recovery is soooooooooooooo fucking possible and it is sooooooooooooooo MINE! Come join me!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Just a few photos from way back before the court crap started and happier days.
I am learning to handle the nightmare of court and nightmare of my ex who will stop at nothing until he destroys me, in his eyes. He is that much of a monster and I am putting it mildly. He is completely obsessed with me.
Anyhow I went to a bacehlorette party the other night with safe people who are close friends of mine. I am in a wedding in a few weeks and we had such a fun time. I hadn't seen these ladies in a few weeks and just putting on 10 pounds was noticeable to them. I wore tight jeans with boots and a nice top. Two of the gals grabbed my ass and said "nice ass, you finally have one, yay." They then noticed a little more "boobage" hehe. I embraced this completely. For the first time I was excited about it. I was then told I had been looking horrible when my weight got close to 100 again and that I was skeletal. I didn't see it obviously nor do I have a correct image just yet now. But I am getting there and trying to embrace it all as part of recovery.