Wednesday, December 15, 2010
So fricken done with "Ana". Go Me! hehe
Not the best photo but taken this morning after yet another fun filled day at court with craziness.
I finally grew into these size 2 court pants that have been hanging in my closet for a few years now. Gaining has never been easy to any anorexic that I know of. Gaining, maintaining, or losing is hard depending on what you struggle with. This leads me to another thought~
Recovery is a slow process. I have to remind myself daily I am in recovery. The norm for me is to set me aside, restrict, disappear basically. Anorexia has infiltrated so many aspects of my life even down to causing me to pick bad men and finding myself in court dealing with someone who is completely psychotic (yes, that is putting it very mildly).
I have to remind myself every day that anorexia is not the way to go. I don't want to be rail thin anymore. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to starve and not enjoy cake and chips at a party. I don't want to deny being in a wedding for fear I will look fat in a size small dress that does fit me. I don't want to feel faint, shaky, tired, depressed, etc. I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE! I want to eat when hungry and wear normal size clothes for my height ad NORMAL weight when I get there. I want my boobs back and my tight ass along with curves in the right places! I want to feel the sad feelings, the angry feelings, the frustrated feelings without starving my poor body who has been through enough already. 20 years of this shit is enough!
Time to embrace me. a bit scary and uneasy to do but definitely doable! Recovery is soooooooooooooo fucking possible and it is sooooooooooooooo MINE! Come join me!