Sunday, November 28, 2010
Just random photos from last year after leaving treatment of 3 months.
I started thinking this morning of how many people deny an eating disorder based on comparing to others' disorders. I did this for years and tried convincing professionals I did not have anorexia.
Even at my lowest weight of 92lbs (I am 5'8) I still got my period so therefore I did not have an eating disorder. My bones stuck out in some places but I always had an ass so therefore I couldn't be anorexic. My legs never got bone thin so therefore I wasn't anorexic. I was never tube fed so how could I possibly be a bad ass anorexic? I ate more than half a celery stick a day, though was low in calories, so therefore I did not fit the "anorexic" mold. I consumed some foods with fat content so how the hell could I ever be anorexic? I was never 80 lbs at my lowest so how on earth could I be labled anorexic? I only passed out a few times so no way could I be a "true" anorexic. I didn't see obesity in the mirror at 92 lbs, I just saw someone who weighed maybe 150, so no way was I a "typical" anorexic.
These are just a few I thought of through the years and excused away my ever fitting the anorexic mold. Reasons (place I was at last year) really help convince me otherwise (lol). After just 3 weeks of being there I was finally convinced I had anorexia nervosa despite my excuses. Funny how strong the disorder is to try and convince us otherwise to keep us stuck!
Comparing to others hinders recovery. Every "body" is different at different stages of the disorder. Time to listen to the professionals eh? And focus on recovery for you~
Thursday, November 25, 2010
This year both my boys are away for Thanksgiving and my family is together in Washington as I was unable to afford time off due to continual court drama. I had a few offers but decided I needed to be alone this year. I added a few photos to the table of my boys and enjoyed a quite time eating and reflecting.
This made me realize how difficult recovery is and how we need to make the most of each day of recovery and push through the trials. I could have restricted and pouted but didn't. I was in a tears a few times but it was because Jack was allowed to actually call me and I know he is okay as this is the longest he has ever been away from me, ever. I also got a call from my mom and she passed the phone around. I then got a call from someone very special to me and cried with all the calls. I feel so loved and grateful.
Sometimes it's the simple things. Now off to take a hot bath, do some beading, and enjoy some pumpkin pie with whipped cream before a midnight turkey sandwich. hehe
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
These are from a few days ago. My therapist made a comment, when she saw me, about how healthy my hair was looking. I embraced that this time though "ana" screamed it meant I was getting fat! My hair is still falling out a lot but definitely healthier these days due to more "normalized" eating.
This lead me to thinking about what is "normal". Our normal may not be what really is normal. It's not to say we are crazy or something is wrong with us. It just means our eating patters are a bit "off".
I was talking to my dietician the other day and said all this food is overwhelming and not normal. While the amount I am on is for weight gain and not the "norm", my eating habits haven't been "normal" for several years, which she so graciously pointed out. lol
Along with my "abnormal" eating for years I have struggled with allowing abusive men in my life as it seemed so "normal" to me. My therapist pointed this out recently and it was such a revelation because it made me think about relationships and my life overall that seems so "normal" to me yet filled with such deep pain.
I feel as though I am finally waking up. It's been very painful but so worth it because I am so tired of having anorexia and being labled as anorexic. So as my therapist and dietician have said at dfferent times, doing what doesn't feel so normal to me means I am fully in recovery! I challenge you all to do the same and eventually Recovery will be your "normal".
Saturday, November 20, 2010
These photos are from over a year ago. I just love pictures, especially of my boys.
So I started thinking while driving to see my dietician the other day. I was a bit emotional and didn't want to go even though I have the best dietician EVER! I started to think how maybe it was "Ana" not wanting to go and how I was dragging her ass kicking and screaming. I decided that it's time I starve her and FEED recovery.
"Ana" wants me to self loathe, isolate, restrict to no end, go back to behaviors, and ultimately get below 100 again for my 5'8 frame. Starvation is her game and as my dietician stated it so bluntly, "ana" is pure torture. It's not just harming oneself but goes beyond that to torture. I know it's been hell for over 20 years now so why not make the next 20 years all about recovery?
Recovery is so hard. I have to continually fight tricky "ana" who is such a sneaky bitch. Even drinking coffee right now is "her". I can say it's because I have not felt well today and the headache is bad but it's "ana's" pseudo comfort. I say pseudo because it is false comfort. It's temporary and doesn't last.
In order to starve "ana" I have to continually say nice things to my body and go full force with recovery. I need to follow my plan and reach out a bit more as I haven't been. I need to not isolate and not let "her" slide.
Time to fully embrace recovery which is such a struggle and daily commitment. If I can starve myself all these years I think I can return the favor and starve her back so that recovery now has a place to thrive!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
So it's been quite a struggle the past two weeks of consuming so much food. And it's getting harder. My dietician has been great through it all as has my therapist. I am so grateful for them both and could never do this alone.
The body image is quite bad but despite it, I wear what I want and try to be stylish. "Ana" has robbed me so many times of livng in the moment and wearing what I want due to hating my body so much.
I look back at these high school photos of me at a healthier weight but in the throws of bulimia.(2nd photo I am bottom right/ 3rd photo bottom left) I hated my body then and felt like I was the biggest one on the dance team. I remember how we were weighed in the dance room weekly and how they even measured our wrists for bone structure. I adored my coaches but looking back I feel it was too much. I am 5'8 so was one of the taller ones and often put in the back of routines until further along in the year. To me tall meant big so I pushed to lose weight. I went from 135 to 120 as I was told I would be benched if lower once my coach found my diet pills and that I was exercising a lot and purging. I was getting straight A's, in peer counseling, on the varsity dance team, and dying inside. The pain was too deep so I strived for perfection and took it out on my body.
I wish I could go back and erase time. I would have gotten help then and gotten out of the misery of the bulimia turned anorexia. The sooner you catch it, if way early on, the better. I don't say easier because it's never easy but having it 20 years it becomes ingrained in who we are and so hard to break free from the grips. It's like "ana" has sunk her teeth in and wont let go without ripping me to shreds but I am working on being released slowly so the pain is not all at once and the wounds aren't gaping.
I am healtheir in weight in these photos though saw fat then. I am trying to strive for health, not weight. I don't know what I weigh now though I know it's gone up. I have to be okay with this in order to recover from this and someday help others recover as well.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Do you ever go back to happier times to when you weren't concerned about your weight or body image? Try thinking back and do something fun to live in the moment and outside of your eating disorder like blowing bubbles or reading children's books!
This blog is just random and thought I would write a sample menu plan for those scared to over do it or under do it or freak at weight gain or maintenance or weight loss depending on your disorder as eating disorders come in all forums.
2 protein or 1 dairy
or 2 cans of ensure.
1 fruit or 2 veggies
1 fruit or 1 starch
1 ensure plus
1 ensure plus
1 fruit or 2 veggies
This is a sample one that would be for someone on weight gain and in the process of being increased again. Everyone is different and seeing a dietician is crucial. Trusting your dietician is even more crucial to just follow it and not bargain with it or skimp on it or change it or freak out over it. ok maybe freak a little but discuss this with your therapist and dietician. What helps me is not to focus on my body and when the throughts creep in I do something like knitting or playing games with my kids or drawing or cleaning. I also journal about it all.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Just a few shots from our Halloween fun. The boys had so much fun. Both were thrilled when they each won a fish with ping pong balls! And yes they have loads of candy and I have invaded their buckets. lmao
I have been reading Jenni Shaefer's book "Life without Ed". I would reccomend it to anyone considering recovery.
What has really stood out to me thus far in the book is how much of a grasp "ana" has on me. There are so many sneaky ways "she" creeps back in. Like for instance I may on any given day eat 100% of what's on my meal plan but have walked 3 hours that day which is not allowed. Or I may eat a cheeseburger and put it down as a large instead of small. Or I may leave the crust off the sandwich and excuse it away. Or I may say my anorexia is not that bad because I am above 100 pounds though I am 5'8. letting go is just so hard because I feel it's been who i am for over 20 years, not what I have. I am afraid to let it go and be something else. This I am working on.
I am becoming more and more aware of the sneaky ways "she" creeps in and it's a daily task to change it but it is possible because I am doing it.
At the moment I hate my body. I hate gaining and I hate all the food but doesn't mean I am not doing what I need to. I am 100% on my meal plan and continuing with my therapist as often as I can see her so if I am able I see her more than once per week.
Eating disorders are a disease, an illness. Fighting it can't be done alone so please build a professional support system as well as family and friends for a daily commitment to recovery~