Saturday, November 20, 2010
Starving "Ana (rexia)".
These photos are from over a year ago. I just love pictures, especially of my boys.
So I started thinking while driving to see my dietician the other day. I was a bit emotional and didn't want to go even though I have the best dietician EVER! I started to think how maybe it was "Ana" not wanting to go and how I was dragging her ass kicking and screaming. I decided that it's time I starve her and FEED recovery.
"Ana" wants me to self loathe, isolate, restrict to no end, go back to behaviors, and ultimately get below 100 again for my 5'8 frame. Starvation is her game and as my dietician stated it so bluntly, "ana" is pure torture. It's not just harming oneself but goes beyond that to torture. I know it's been hell for over 20 years now so why not make the next 20 years all about recovery?
Recovery is so hard. I have to continually fight tricky "ana" who is such a sneaky bitch. Even drinking coffee right now is "her". I can say it's because I have not felt well today and the headache is bad but it's "ana's" pseudo comfort. I say pseudo because it is false comfort. It's temporary and doesn't last.
In order to starve "ana" I have to continually say nice things to my body and go full force with recovery. I need to follow my plan and reach out a bit more as I haven't been. I need to not isolate and not let "her" slide.
Time to fully embrace recovery which is such a struggle and daily commitment. If I can starve myself all these years I think I can return the favor and starve her back so that recovery now has a place to thrive!