Thursday, October 20, 2011

Is it really worth it?

These sayings speak volumes to me as I continue my fight to stay grounded in recovery. Sometimes I feel "ana" slips her way in at times at the slightest of stress in life yet my stress is 10 times that with the chaos of this custody battle so I have to fight ten times harder to stay grounded in recovery.

Allow these sayings to soak in and really reflect on their meaning. And then ask yourself what your eating disorder means/does/serves for you? Is it really worth it?


Friday, October 14, 2011

Fighting my way through Recovery~

Just a few recent shots of the boys and I. They are quite active and oh so fun and funny!

It's been a stressful and hectic few weeks as the first trial has started and didn't finish the first day! so much for a short cause trial that should have happened over a year ago!

Being in such a sick and horrific custody battle, to put it mildly, on top of being a single mom of 2 little boys, a bad car wreck with a big rig 3 years ago leaving me in daily pain, and the normal stressors of bills piling as well as attorney's fees etc etc etc blah blah blah has made it very difficult to "simply" focus on recovery from anorexia. It's not to say I am skeletal anymore or in danger zone, so to speak, but to be able to focus on recovery and how I am feeling and what's really going on inside seems hardly doable under such extreme circumstances with court every month and chaos of my ex.

Having an appetite under stress for me is very difficult aside from having an eating disorder so it has been a rough few weeks. I have cried after meals and even snacks. I have thought of diet stuff to buy but didn't. I have even had diet stuff in my cart at 2 stores and put them back. I have had urges to purge but didn't. I have had urges to exercise but chose not to. Was it easy? nope. I cried through it all, called my therapist a few nights, and went to sessions and cried through it all.

At the moment I hate what I see in the mirror but then at the same time feel empowered that under all this shit and chaos and sickness from my ex that I am still standing and still fighting my way through "Recovery" and against "ana".

You can too~


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Someday Melissa~ A mother helps others in the shadow of her daughter's death~

This is a documentary about Judy's daughter who lost her battle with bulimia in 2009.

Through the years of my battle with bulimia and anorexia I have watched dozens of movies that only further contributed to my eating disorder and desire to get to being a "true anorexic" to show the depths of my despair!

This dvd is about Recovery and of Hope. This mother turned her despair of the loss of her daughter, at the young age of 19, to helping thousands of us struggling with this. My heart goes out to her and her loss. Melissa did not survive her "ed"/ "ana"/"ednos". We can. We are still here.

There is no quick fix to recovery. It's a rough road but it leads to health and living life instead of merely waiting to die of this disease.

I have just ordered this dvd to watch with my therapist but wanted to pass this along to all of you in hopes you will order it and grab tightly a hold of recovery.

I still have down days and days of food struggles, like today, but I am choosing to reach out and admit it without shame and push forward, tears and all!

There is a trailer on this if you go to the site itself where you can also order this DVD. There is also a link on Facebook.