Thursday, November 4, 2010

Letting Go~

Just a few shots from our Halloween fun. The boys had so much fun. Both were thrilled when they each won a fish with ping pong balls! And yes they have loads of candy and I have invaded their buckets. lmao

I have been reading Jenni Shaefer's book "Life without Ed". I would reccomend it to anyone considering recovery.

What has really stood out to me thus far in the book is how much of a grasp "ana" has on me. There are so many sneaky ways "she" creeps back in. Like for instance I may on any given day eat 100% of what's on my meal plan but have walked 3 hours that day which is not allowed. Or I may eat a cheeseburger and put it down as a large instead of small. Or I may leave the crust off the sandwich and excuse it away. Or I may say my anorexia is not that bad because I am above 100 pounds though I am 5'8. letting go is just so hard because I feel it's been who i am for over 20 years, not what I have. I am afraid to let it go and be something else. This I am working on.

I am becoming more and more aware of the sneaky ways "she" creeps in and it's a daily task to change it but it is possible because I am doing it.

At the moment I hate my body. I hate gaining and I hate all the food but doesn't mean I am not doing what I need to. I am 100% on my meal plan and continuing with my therapist as often as I can see her so if I am able I see her more than once per week.

Eating disorders are a disease, an illness. Fighting it can't be done alone so please build a professional support system as well as family and friends for a daily commitment to recovery~



  1. Hey! love the costumes :)
    Ana is a sneaky little bugger ey? always trying to have a say in some way! trying to get us to compensate and undo our hard work. Awareness is key in this area.

    It seems that the recovery process sometimes needs to get harder before it can become easier, so i hope u come to a better place of acceptance soon, but your sure an inspiration for people struggling to stick to their meal plan after one hard day :)

  2. That Mario costume is superb...I love the belly and moustache.

    Letting go is very difficult...even with help. I completely understand you there. All the conflict going on in your mind, every single minute of the's tiring.


  3. Hi Brandee,
    I've never commented you before but I can relate to so much of what you post about. When you wrote, " Or I may say my anorexia is not that bad because I am above 100 pounds though I am 5'8" it just really hit me hard. I'm nearly 5'9" and I too have never been under 100 pounds. I always use that as a reason to convince myself that I'm not that sick. Really is a height to weight ratio thing...since we're tall, we'd be even more critical at a weight under 100 pounds! Thank you for pointing this out to me tonight : ).
    Keep fighting!!

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