I have had some up and down days since seeing Lisa this past Monday. I am supposed to do an accountability journal, food journal, and daily structure plan. I have yet to do any of this. Lately it's been hard to sit and focus when I want a job so bad and have been a bit depressed and in a funk. I also thought I gained quite a bit and though I have no idea what the number on the scale is, she told me I stayed exactly the same from two weeks prior.
I fully intend to get to her assignments before seeing her in another week as I am trying to see her every other week though money is way tight. I have already made a huge grocery list with several meals planned out and snacks in between. I like the idea of an accountability journal because I can be completely honest though I am for the most part. I just know sometimes I lie to myself or try to be ok when I fear facing something and need to vent or need support.
Eating is not easy. Right now it's not so much the weight. I am stressed about no job and feeling useless and worthless. I feel I have no purpose in life and am just taking up space. I know my boys need me and I am there for them. It's just hard being home all the time with no job and no leads on any jobs. I pray and hope and go to church and reach out. I am drained from even all of this.
I do want recovery, though, through all of this. I must find a way because life without "ana" is a life living. It would mean reaching out to others who need help. It would mean speaking out on this deadly disease from first hand knowledge and experience. It would mean being more alive and feeling instead of hiding and runnning and holding my head down in shame.
So I will continue to eat and allow the tears to fall as I push through the mounds of calories, screams from "ana", painful honesty to myself and others I am accountable to, and through the insecurities about certain parts of my body I seem to dislike! Used to hate but working on it. Besides I look good in jeans! lmao
Recovery is very painful but in the end is life worth living. Ana is very painful but in the end you are dead or you remin the walking dead throughout life. I know because I have spent near 20 years not fully living~