I have had some up and down days since seeing Lisa this past Monday. I am supposed to do an accountability journal, food journal, and daily structure plan. I have yet to do any of this. Lately it's been hard to sit and focus when I want a job so bad and have been a bit depressed and in a funk. I also thought I gained quite a bit and though I have no idea what the number on the scale is, she told me I stayed exactly the same from two weeks prior.
I fully intend to get to her assignments before seeing her in another week as I am trying to see her every other week though money is way tight. I have already made a huge grocery list with several meals planned out and snacks in between. I like the idea of an accountability journal because I can be completely honest though I am for the most part. I just know sometimes I lie to myself or try to be ok when I fear facing something and need to vent or need support.
Eating is not easy. Right now it's not so much the weight. I am stressed about no job and feeling useless and worthless. I feel I have no purpose in life and am just taking up space. I know my boys need me and I am there for them. It's just hard being home all the time with no job and no leads on any jobs. I pray and hope and go to church and reach out. I am drained from even all of this.
I do want recovery, though, through all of this. I must find a way because life without "ana" is a life living. It would mean reaching out to others who need help. It would mean speaking out on this deadly disease from first hand knowledge and experience. It would mean being more alive and feeling instead of hiding and runnning and holding my head down in shame.
So I will continue to eat and allow the tears to fall as I push through the mounds of calories, screams from "ana", painful honesty to myself and others I am accountable to, and through the insecurities about certain parts of my body I seem to dislike! Used to hate but working on it. Besides I look good in jeans! lmao
Recovery is very painful but in the end is life worth living. Ana is very painful but in the end you are dead or you remin the walking dead throughout life. I know because I have spent near 20 years not fully living~
((hugs))
Brandee
you speak to me with openness and honesty about this disease and give me insight into what lies ahead for me. I'm happy that you do not sugar-coat recovery for me or for the other readers of your blog. I hope you can reach out to more people and give them the same raw hope that you have given me. Even though I am no where near "recovery," I have spoken to middle school classes about the dangers/realities of eating disorders, mainly to classes that girls i've coached in gymnastics are in. It gives me a little sense of empowerment, that I am helping others even if I still avoid helping me. Oh and about those jeans, yeah, you need a cute little booty to fill them out :) so keep eating for your cute booty!
ReplyDeleteI relate so much to what you are going through right now. I know how overwhelming it can be, and how daunting it can seem.
ReplyDeleteHere is a thought, I was reading online that when you first start re feeding that your metabolism burns calories at a faster rate at first. Eventually your body will start to catch up with itself. You will start to gain weight fairly rapidly after you get past a certain point, and it will form in your belly and butt at first. Then you will start to decrease weight slightly as your newly developed fat turns into the muscle that was burned away from the eating disorder.
All and all from what I'm reading from the starvation experiments, within a year from the start of re feeding your body should re balance to a healthy natural weight for you, and the weight should be proportional to your body.
So this means that everything is happening naturally. Your doing your best, and unfortunately your metabolism is working over time gobbling down all the nummy nutrition your giving it. Eventually it will all balance out and you will start to really gain weight. Don't let it scare you when it happens, and remember that within 6 months to a year your body will go back to normal, you can get muscle tone back, and the fat that develops will re distribute to the correct areas of the body.
A lot of girls get scared during re feeding because they see fat in their midsections and butts, but this is normal. After you accumulate a certain amount of weight, you will be able to do some weight lifting and light cardio so that you take the new healthy fat and rebuild your lost muscle. Then the weight will all re distribute and you will look AMAZING just the way you were always meant to.
YOUR DOING FABULOUSLY. one day at a time sweets, we can recover. YOU ARE SO WORTH IT. and I am grateful for your courage. You help me not to feel so alone.
I’m glad to see you can say something you like about yourself in terms of looking good in jeans. We can be so down on ourselves because of this problem. I will bet thereare a lot more good things. For one thing I can see you are a wonderful mother. Your kids look happy and well cared for - squeaky clean and dressed tastefully. Another thing is that you care about people and want to help them. That is so wonderful. You can add to the list… I had an old recording of Cynthia saying that our problem is a symptom of underlying pain. Brendee who told you that you didn’t measure up? Because it is bullshit you know. I suffer from it all: I binge, purge, pills, running, starving and feel really bad about myself. And I’m a nurse and a dude! Now that’s messed up! I know some of why I do what I do and who feed into it many years ago. I agree with you about not wanting to grow old with this problem. I’m sure tired of it.
ReplyDeleteEdward