Friday, February 19, 2010

Abandoning "Ana" while being abandoned in recovery~

I feel so distant from "Ana". The past few days I have been eating quite a bit. Yesterday I even went past my caloric requirement which scared me a little. Today I was a bit under but managed ok.

Internally it's been a real struggle because I have felt very alone the past few days. It seems when you are emaciated or in patient or on the brink of danger weight you get the support but when you need it most is when you are in recovery and don't appear to even have an eating disorder.

At times I feel completely disgusted in myself for eating. Some days I feel like falling a part after a meal. Sometimes I look down at my body and just cry.

I almost feel I have to somewhat shut down because I need to gain the weight but can't gain it with feeling at all. It's just too much right now and too lonely a place to be. It's been very intense for me the past few days as though I may burst with emotion but must keep it in, in order to keep gaining, and I will~



  1. aw sweetheart i know you can do this. being out of treatment is hard, it's difficult to feel like you "deserve" to recover sometimes especially when you aren't on death's doorstep. you do deserve it though baby, and i know that if ANYONE can do this it's you. i love you with all my heart


  2. I have to admit that I am confused by this posting (although I have to admit ignorance. Anyone looking at me can see that I certainly don't have an UNDER-eating problem). I can understand feeling sad and alone, but everyone...and I mean behind you, has complimented you, has supported you, and stands beside, behind, and with you on this. Look around...we're there holding you up, Brandee. And we'll still be here tomroow and the day after that.

    Love you!

    - Mike

  3. Hey lou lou here from boostforward, I am having to make my blog private in a few days as I want to continue blogging but something pretty shitty happened, I was going into treatment at a clinic, I have been in touch with the guy for a month now emails, calls and all kinds of things. My parents had been through the facility with him and sat with him for an hour discussing treatment plans and my history and my desperate need for help. i showed up yesterday after lunch like he said to, expecting to begin my treatment at the alcahol, dr*g and eating disorder clinic and stay for a month, mum and dad paid a lot of money, when we showed up nobody was there, it was a complete scam, he used to work there and it had stopped being operational a few weeks ago, it was deserted, unmarked and sickening. i really want to continue blogging. I just want to stay in touch with my blogsphere peoples whether they are anonymous or not, only thing is im turning boostforward to private cos i stupidly gave the guy my URL to show progress and history etc, I may have to change URL, untill this mess is figured out i have to do this. I am going to post this on peoples comments too. I am going to switch it to private in a few days. theres so much thats happened that i dont want to write just now while its public. please email me so i caninvite you to read my blog to my alias blogging email ... not my name. if you aren't comfortable with that, i totally understand!
    xx arohanui lou