I feel so distant from "Ana". The past few days I have been eating quite a bit. Yesterday I even went past my caloric requirement which scared me a little. Today I was a bit under but managed ok.
Internally it's been a real struggle because I have felt very alone the past few days. It seems when you are emaciated or in patient or on the brink of danger weight you get the support but when you need it most is when you are in recovery and don't appear to even have an eating disorder.
At times I feel completely disgusted in myself for eating. Some days I feel like falling a part after a meal. Sometimes I look down at my body and just cry.
I almost feel I have to somewhat shut down because I need to gain the weight but can't gain it with feeling at all. It's just too much right now and too lonely a place to be. It's been very intense for me the past few days as though I may burst with emotion but must keep it in, in order to keep gaining, and I will~