Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Facing me~

The past few weeks I have noticed I have been crying more, tearing up easily. I have been moodier and haven't been the best at communicating.

During an argument tonight with someone I love dearly I broke down. I was frustrated with the argument and that I couldn't fix things. I felt I was defective, I was somehow wrong, I needed to be punished. I had dinner on the stove and ready and during the argument just tossed it down the garbage disposal. I couldn't call anyone for help, couldn't really text anyone, not who I wanted anyway. So I came here to this blog with a body screaming for food, tears streaming, and ana yelling.

Sounds crazy, I know, but then I thought whoa, I am in starvation mode. I had all these same symptoms a year ago before entering Reasons. Some of the stress is circumstantial but a lot of this I feel physically and know it.

When I was healthier I held together quite well and rarely ever cried even though I am a deeply feeling and compassionate person. I would cry maybe once a month or after several months despite hard times. Now I cry near daily. Though I have to say the past 6 months have been hell to say the least.

Hanging on by a thread but hanging on. I am definitely a fighter regardless of the tears but definitely need to get back into full recovery and gain enough to get out of the danger zone which I am currently in again.

Ana is strong tonight but I am going to go eat something right now despite the tears and anguish.


  1. How about a big pie? I had one tonight and it was delicious. A margarita isn't always a bad thing, either. :-)

    Love you, sweetie. Hang in there.

  2. Im so sorry i didn't get to support you on the day when you were feeling this way. I know it can be so overwhelming and hard. You are such a beauty and inspiration. I can tell you my first impression of you just looking at your picture was OH my goodness what a beautiful freaking girl. Your eyes and smile SHINE! your energy screams through your blogs, and i think you and I are of like spirit. You are doing such an amazing job, and i am so proud of you and encouraged by you.

    Keep it up beautiful lady!