Sunday, January 17, 2010

Starving as form of punishment :-(

I am in tears as I write. Hard to get the right words out. I just feel like such a fuck up in so many ways. Despite no job I truly am happy with Mike and feel ok about life in general. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I don't discount any of this but I have my breaking point and feel I am falling. All I want to do is restrict right now at this moment.
I am overwhelmed with no job and finances and bills piling. I hate where I live. I am in the negative this coming month and somewhat this month. I want recovery so bad but can't even see Dr. Waraich or my dietician for a while. I worry about leaning on Mike too much because he really does "get it" and understands and it's so easy to eat with him and want recovery with him.
I just plain don't feel good about me right now because I seem to screw so many things up and when you worry you will be homeless come March the stress is plain overwhelming. It's depressing and hard to keep afloat. I try to see all the positives and be thankful and am but am just plain overwhelemed emotionally and spiritually right now. I do need support but no funds for it. I have nothing and sometimes feel I am nothing~ I just hurt so much right now~


  1. you won't be homeless come March. I may not be rich, but I"ll make darn sure of it. I can't make the daily pain and struggles of recovery go away, but I can tell you that I won't leave you on the streets. Don't worry about that one, if or when it comes, I'll make it work for you.

  2. I so understand, more than you know....I wish I could wave a wand, click my heels, make it all go away!
    But I can't, so instead I'll just remind you of one thing which is real- you are so very loved!

  3. wow, the comments above are so sweet.
    Is there any kind of ED support for free near where you live? groups?
    I think sometimes january is such a hard time for ED.. not that it isnt always hard, but its a time we assess.
    we assess the previous year
    we think of our goals
    we regret stuff, we want things to change.
    maybe things will seem more manageable if you chunk it down to just today?
    just for today.
    sometimes it makes me not worry so much about later on, it doesnt help to worry about something that hasnt even happened yet. easier said than done, but even just writing this to you is reminding me that i have been worrying too much about something thats not will late february.

  4. Everyone here is right. You're surrounded by friends who care about you and love you and support you. We all understand feeling frustrated and hopeless and alone. Many of us also know the pain of little or no income these days. Try to remain positive - od answers prayer and has a way of coming through just in time.

  5. Oh hon everyone else is so right..its so difficult when it seems so overwhelming like this, but you just have to try and hang in there, and remind yourself of all the positive reasons you want recovery-much easier said than done. Are there any support groups near you? Im not sure how it works where you are, but are there any services that can help you agree payment plans that you can afford-like citizens advive bureau or anything, just to try and ease the worry a little.
    step bt step you will make it through

  6. What is one thing you can right now that will make you feel at least a little bit better? ONE thing that is do-able. Do it. You need a pick-me-up and you need to do it soon to keep you from falling back into old ways. You can do this. Don't let it get the best of you. You are better than that. :) Take one day at time. One. day. at. a. time.

  7. Brande, Arielle and your other commenters have given you such great advice.

    Focus on the positives, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to you right now.
    You will get through this, hon.

  8. I look at your photos and postings, and see your strength. Reach out to others - even if it's just support online - you are not alone.