These two pictures were taken right before or around being in treatment at Reasons. Just a reminder of how I fell this past year and how very close I am to these images now if I don't catch this.
OK so it's time to admit to myself that I have been struggling again big time! It started with the flu a week ago. My weight was already somewhat down with stress of no job yet and issues with my ex. I tried to stay afloat and strong despite it all. Then I got the flu real bad and dropped 4 pounds within day. That's all it took to see the ribs and hip bones, due to my already low weight, and I was hooked in once again!
I had been trying to cover it up and trying to act tough about it thinking it would go away or no one would notice. I never thought my boyfriend would actually notice and understand. He is aware of my history with it as I have been up front but also been in recovery since April. I was ashamed to tell him I wanted to lose more and that I craved it. I was also ashamed to tell him I didn't deserve to eat and was hurting from the abuse of my ex and not feeling adequate.
There have been a few times Mike has offered me something to eat and I say I am full or queesy or will eat later. He has yet to fall for any of it and simply puts food in front of me and ,though I have cringed and screamed inside, I ate! Even speaking on the phone with him last night he had me drink an ensure while he was still on the phone despite being exhausted.
Mike does not baby me or push the issue though he's not afraid to speak against ana when he sees fit. He is not enmeshed. He's outsmarting ana where I have been afraid to and it's working!
If any of you are struggling I suggest reaching out and being honest with at least one or two people to keep you accountable and on track and to get your needs met in a healthy way. We all fall, it's part of recovery. Recognize when you are in danger, as I am now and fighting my way up despite ana screaming loud and clear in my ears to lose more, crave the bones, and be emaciated! I love life and there's so much more to life than this.