Thursday, January 7, 2010

Ana has crept in again:(

These two pictures were taken right before or around being in treatment at Reasons. Just a reminder of how I fell this past year and how very close I am to these images now if I don't catch this.
OK so it's time to admit to myself that I have been struggling again big time! It started with the flu a week ago. My weight was already somewhat down with stress of no job yet and issues with my ex. I tried to stay afloat and strong despite it all. Then I got the flu real bad and dropped 4 pounds within day. That's all it took to see the ribs and hip bones, due to my already low weight, and I was hooked in once again!
I had been trying to cover it up and trying to act tough about it thinking it would go away or no one would notice. I never thought my boyfriend would actually notice and understand. He is aware of my history with it as I have been up front but also been in recovery since April. I was ashamed to tell him I wanted to lose more and that I craved it. I was also ashamed to tell him I didn't deserve to eat and was hurting from the abuse of my ex and not feeling adequate.
There have been a few times Mike has offered me something to eat and I say I am full or queesy or will eat later. He has yet to fall for any of it and simply puts food in front of me and ,though I have cringed and screamed inside, I ate! Even speaking on the phone with him last night he had me drink an ensure while he was still on the phone despite being exhausted.
Mike does not baby me or push the issue though he's not afraid to speak against ana when he sees fit. He is not enmeshed. He's outsmarting ana where I have been afraid to and it's working!
If any of you are struggling I suggest reaching out and being honest with at least one or two people to keep you accountable and on track and to get your needs met in a healthy way. We all fall, it's part of recovery. Recognize when you are in danger, as I am now and fighting my way up despite ana screaming loud and clear in my ears to lose more, crave the bones, and be emaciated! I love life and there's so much more to life than this.


  1. Hugs back to you Brande-Mike sounds like a wonderful and very caring person for you to have in your life-take care

  2. Brande, I so understand what you are saying. I was in Remuda in 1992 and struggled to stay afloat and recover for years after. After my second child, I finally was living.... not focused on wanting to see the bones. I took care of myself for my children. However, 15 years later, in 2007, I went through a bout for about one year where I was really close to danger. Also, out of a very bad marriage, When I met my current husband, it did not take him long to realize that I was not "recovered" but in the process still after all these years. He has encouraged me, and I let him even though I too screamed inside. I realized that his love was a gift from God, he was not trying to control me, just love me. Ana could not be at the center of our relationship, our family in order for it to work. I am much healther now, in 2010. Keep letting Mike care..... And don't listen to the voices. Your a brave and honest girl.

  3. I think its amazing that you are able to be so open with mike, and he's supporting you in the best possible way:) You keep on being strong, and i know that you can get through this, and get things back.your brilliant, and worth more than ANA, always, so keep on fighting, cos you deserve it.
    take lots of care

    vic xx

  4. Just wish that I could wave that magic wand and make ana go away, Brande.

    Keep strong, hon. You are in my thoughts constantly. You CAN beat this, especially with Mike being such a strong support for you.

    ~ Medusa