Thursday, November 26, 2009

Surviving Recovery~

These were taken today. Jack is in Oregon so I just had Seth and we spent Thanksgiving with my sister and some family. Seth not thrilled about the pictures as you can tell but my niece Hannah on my lap and niece Alyssa love pictures!
Thanksgiving seems to be an anororexic's (and other ED's) worst day of the year! of course for obvious reasons. I was thinking about how drug addicts and alcoholics don't need alcohol or drugs to survive. You expect them to keep away from their addiction by not keeping the substance in the house or anywhere near them! Not the case with eating disorders which makes it so complex. We have to face our "substance" daily and somehow manage to turn what our "Ed" perceives as negativity, fat, danger, poison etc and allow this "evil" thing Ed calls FOOD to be something that actually nourishes the body. Wow like no wonder Recovery is so hard! In order to even begin to allow this we have to face the reality that our Ed truly isn't about food or weight and allow ourselves to go deep into why we allow Ed to work against our natural instincts of survival. Why we live against ourselves. We need to learn to live for who we are and step by baby step grieve, feel, and become who we are that has been pushed deep inside because of Ed.
I've been struggling quite a bit lately. I haven't been able to afford therapy much and need my therapist so much right now. I was able to make money through selling something this past week and see her. I finally admitted how much I hate myself and that I felt I would never fully recover though stay afloat. She was so caring and so supportive on so many levels in session. I cried so much and felt so safe and connected to her. She even offered to eat in sessions and do what it takes to help me.
I hadn't seen her in 5 weeks and kept saying I was ok. Yesterday I bought scale for the first time in near a year. I freaked at what I saw. Though I am not to my goal weight it was too high. Like DUH! Of course I will think this. I shouldn't own a scale and my therapist has been weighing me backwards for almost a year now. Now all I want to do is lose weight. I know I need to tell her and will try to see her if I can financilly this week. I will be taking the scale back.
It's not a relapse. The urge to drop weight IS INCREDIBLY STRONG right now and I am not saying I won't drop weight but I will tell her. Regardless of this I still wore a tank top today with tight jeans because (I) wanted to. I still managed a healthy breakfast, a variety Thanksgiving dinner, snacks, and dessert. Other than Wii bowling I didn't purge, exercise, take pills etc. I am writing this sitting with it all, hating it, but no one said recovery was fun or heck we'd be through it in a heartbeat.
So yes I am struggling but determined now to see my therapist more, blog with honesty more, and continue the fight and pray to help others someday.
something else I thought of was how much hope Dr. Waraich gives me and how quickly Ed interferes and clouds it. After buying the scale I thought about our session and how much she cared and a few things she said that really helped. How quickly ED stepped in making me forget. What helped was doing dialogue and just writing thoughts and getting it out which I will send to her. I crave seeing her and that will be stronger and stronger overpowering Ed. She's my safety right now.

1 comment:

  1. When I look at your pictures and see you looking so healthy and happy, it's hard to imagine the internal struggle you're going through, Brande.

    I'm so glad you have Dr. Waraich. She sounds like such a wonderful person and a great support to you.

    Recovery is so hard and can be so rocky, but if anyone can do it, it's you. Your strength is amazing.