Friday, January 7, 2011
Recovery is allowing the True Self to live~
Well these were obviously taken several years ago. The extra baby in the play pen would be my twin brother! He's so cute!
I post these for the purpose of innocense and how "ana" has robbed me for so many years of this. Even though my eating disorder started around the age of 14, I can remember as far back as elementary school, "feeling" big. I was always a bit on the tall end, even taller than my twin for our first 10 years of life. I was slender but tall and tall to me meant big. I always wished I were more petite because those girls always seemed so cute to me and got the attention. They seemed to get picked more for dances, for competitions when I was on the dance and drill team as well as cheerleading. The tall (big) ones in the back. The tall (big) ones to do base. I felt insignificant from a very young age. I was already insecure about having glasses and crooked teeth so this only added fuel to the fire. Granted by high school I had braces and lost the glasses but the damage had been done by so much inner torment as well as bullying from peers.
By 14 all I wanted to do was disappear. I never wanted to be in the way anyway and always felt in the way being so "big". Losing weight to me meant smaller, out of the way, and purity from not having food in me. I strived for perfection in my quest to be the smallest as well as a straight A student. It all came with a price. It cost me living with the true me. My true self has been stifled for so many years. I have lived to be smaller, out of the way, and to do for others. Total people pleaser.
Recovery is about learning to live with the true me. It's a long process because it's been starved away and pushed down for so many years. I am learning to stand up for me and to live for the moment and not for the past or future. I am learning what "normal" eating is and to be okay with my current weight and figure. I really focus more on being healthy and in the now rather than even focusing on what I am eating or what my body looks like. The more I can do this, the more my true self can come into livng~