To go through numerous court hearings (over 40 in 2 yrs), experience the recent deaths of loved ones, a break up, no job for 9 months, watch the pain in my kids through what they witnessed by their fathers abuse of their mother, battle two bad car wrecks, and lose too much weight to stress then rise above, hold my head up, be at peace and move forward REGARDLESS shows strength and courage. NOT weakness and victim. A work in progress. So before you judge be thankful for what you do have and walk just a mile in my shoes before putting me down for a few tears and anguish to get through these past few weeks!
I posted this on my facebook recently as I had felt judged by someone saying I wasn't upbeat enough and didn't focus on the good in life. For those of you who have battled an eating disorder or who have been through more than your fair share of trials you are most likely to understand that to get through it all one must grieve, reach out for support, and give time to healing.
With that said I have been in a rut the past few months with some pretty overwhelming things going on. Some days it's been difficult to put one foot in front of the other much less get daily things done and rise above. Some days I really have to force myself and it's so difficult. It's also difficult to reach out, really reach out.
I remember about a week ago just having a horrible time. I couldn't stop crying. I was so sad for the loss of a friend and overwhelmed with everything else going on that I drove to see my friend Joyce. The moment I saw her she just held her arms open and I bawled. She then grabbed me a glass of wine with fruit and sat and spoke with me and continued to hug me off and on. After about two hours I felt so much better. The pain was still there but more bearable.
My weight has been a struggle and part of it is I just gave in to not being hungry and didn't try hard enough. If I wasn't hungry I didn't eat. If food didn't look good I just walked back out of the kitchen. It was easier not to battle it to be honest.
The past few days I have been eating quite a bit more. Not quite to where I should be but slowly increasing. I am trying to be more aware. After battling 20 years it becomes a habit not to eat or think about it much. I have to really work hard to retrain myself. I love sitting down with my boys at the table to eat for dinner. Even with this I wasn't eating much as I would stop when full which doesn't take much!
I am now working at eating whenever I go to get the boys something, when I go to clean the kitchen, when I go to put stuff away, when I go to get a drink. Even if it's just a small snack. At Joyce's party yesterday I ate a bunch of snacks then an hour later ate some chicken and then later a few helpings of cookies! I felt great about it. I almost felt renewed in recovery!
I was also reading people Magzine yesterday about bodies and they had several stars in bikini's. As I looked at them I realized some were way too skinny. I used to crave that but now that I am that, and worse, I can even see I don't look good. The bodies I liked were the ones with curves. They were so beautiful.
I am not saying I will gain a bunch and be ok. It gets scary. My goal is low end for my height of 5'8 and 125/130 but that's a lot healthier than where I am now. It will take a few months but will happen. I am so ready to be healthy and whole again.
I put my all into my boys and their needs and fun stuff for them and nurturing them. I have forgotton myself along the way!
I hope you all do the same as I have really been faced with life is way too short and we only get one shot at it. It can be taken so quickly.