Saturday, June 26, 2010

Gaining and PROUD! Warning, may trigger!!!!

I am posting these pictures to show how one can go from being a little girl, with little girl dreams of being a princess, dreams of being loved, dreams of wanting to feel pretty and wanted, to the deadly disease of anorexia that robs her of her dreams, ambitions, and life's purpose. I ended with healthy pictures to show how possible recovery is and so that I focus on that and what my dreams are so that I can start living again and moving forward. And I am!
I have weighed myself on two scales this week. I am currently 110 ( I am 5'8)!!!!! I was ecstatic!!! I DO NOT reccommend anyone to buy a scale who is still struggling with their disorder regarding weight and who is under the care of a dietician, doctor, and/or therapist who weighs them backwards. I only have a scale so that I am eating enough and working my way up to 125. Due to some recent stress the past two months I dropped way too low. The past few weeks I have been trying harder. I have to make eating more of a habit as I am just not one to eat much and with summer the heat makes it even worse. Time to break out the magic bullet for some fruit smoothies baby!
When in the disorder many are so malnourished no matter what weight they are at that they don't think right. Your emotions run high or too low, depression sets in for many, and poor decisions are the norm. I made many in the years I battled, especially in choosing men and not finishing my bachelors degree. I sacrificed myself, my own dreams, my ambitions all for "Ana". I people pleased and picked abusers to date. "Ana" made me feel worthless, like I was never good enough to accomplish a bachelors or have a decent man in my life.
Through time off from dating, therapy, and then dating Mike, I realized I was so much better than "ana" and the scum I dated previously. I realized how much I was missing out. I always knew I had a lot of love and care to give and had so much life in me but was giving it to scum and to "ana".
I have now gained about 8 pounds total in the past few weeks and am not afraid to keep going. I still wear summer dresses and shorts when I want. I eat what I want, never diet foods. I do eat healthy stuff but not always. I drink regular soda and real creamy ranch dressing on my salads full of cheese and crutons! I love Mayonaise and meat sandwiches and enjoy my chocolate haagen daz late at night when the boys are asleep! I am eating as I type this!!!! And when I meet that special someone for our first date I will eat a real meal and not be at all concerned!
I am not cured but have such a different outlook. I see the scary skinny in photos and I have dozens as I was a photo freak when losing weight. It's a good reminder of where not to ever go again!
I encourage you all to dig deep and believe in your dreams and goals and believe that you can overcome this and go on to reach those dreams and goals. You just can't do it with "ana" or "ed" or "ednos". No pun intended but it will all weigh you down and make you the walking dead. To feel alive is a great feeling. It's not to say life won't throw curve balls and stress wont come up but to breathe through it all, reach out for support, and focus on the good will help you through and is so much better than being dragged down and losing out on so much fun and fulfillment. I am living proof after having battled 20 years~ (and someday will be speaking in schools and treatment centers on how recoovery is fully attainable and possible!


  1. Thanks. That reminder that there's hope really is necessary :)

  2. Thank you for reminding me that recovery is possible You look amazing in your healthy pics and i know you will get to your ultimate goal good job keep up the awesome work

  3. hey there,

    My name is Catrin Thomas and I work for Medavia Ltd. We write real life feature articles for a huge range of women’s magazines including Grazia, Look, Woman, Marie Claire and Cosmopolitan, as well as all national newspapers.

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