Saturday, February 12, 2011
The "costs" of "ana". Fricken bitch!
Lovely photo taken yesterday shortly after I had a back molar pulled. It's very common for those with eating disorders to have extensive dental damage from years of starvation and/or purging. While I haven't purged in several years I have starved for 20 plus years and the damage has been done.
I started thinking of what "ana" has cost me and others. Do you ever look back through the years at all that "ana" or "ed" has cost you? Some of what I have lost is finishing my psych degree (though I plan to return this year when loans are caught up), have picked horrible men as father's to my children, have put myself in financial ruin due to picking horrible men, lost a job back in 1996 due to laxative abuse and too many er trips, have lost thousands in ambulance and medical bills which were finally paid off a few years back, physical ailments, and is currently costing me thousands in court as my ex continually uses it against me in court to try and gain full custody. It's been an unbelievable nightmare to say the least. I am sure I may be forgetting other "costs".
The more I think of all this the angrier I get and the more I put myself further into recovery. I am now trying to focus on finishing my bachelor's then onto a master's in social work, creating more and more fun memories with my boys, being in the moment, no longer allowing my ex to control my life and put me in fear through his antics in court and threats in text messages, paying down debt, having more "me" time, focusing more on church and what really matters, and getting braces soon and finishing correcting dental damage. I will be 35 in April and 20 plus years of this shit is enough already. My life is worth so much more than what "ana" could ever offer!
Care to join me???