I am about a week to a few days from delivering in the top two photos. Minus the belly my arms and legs are what I should have now weight wise. The 3rd photo I hate. I didn't have make up on and hair looks aweful but I put it to show me at my heaviest when I was about 14/15. It was also right around the time I started dieting. So roughly 20 years ago I went from that and ended with the ones below so to speak. I say so to speak because these below are from last year but I had been up and down through the years. I stopped myself from going any lower when I chose to seek treatment.
I was watching the Dr. Phil show the other day on a girl who was beyond emaciated. I started to think how often those girls are the ones picked for these kind of shows for shock value. While I did get extremely thin, I didn't even fit the mold of these extreme girls on these talk shows. My fear, as I struggled with this years ago, is that young girls will see these shows and not seek treatment for fear they aren't thin enough to need help and in the sickness of it go further in losing weight. The majority of girls struggling with eating disorders are not 50 to 70 pounds underweight. What I loved about Reasons in Alhambra was they didn't even allow us to talk weight, fat, etc during meals or groups with the exception of one evening group designated to get that out. I know for me it helped me not compare to others and to focus on what was hurting inside and not focus on a number or what I thought my body looked like. There were many things I struggled with accepting at Reasons but I chose to follow program.
One thing that is very difficult for those of us struggling with any form of eating disorder is feeling like we are losing control as well as trust to the professionals if we give the disorder up to treatment. Being able to truly trust your treatment team to not allow you to "get fat" or "lose control with food" is no easy task because as you slowly let go and allow them to help, the disorder grabs tighter because it's comfortable and what we know and are used to. I challenge you to take those small steps and see what happens. Take that leap of faith into recovery. There are so many who have fully recovered and who are living proof that it is "safe" to trust your team!
I have had a rough week due to some real sick things that happened in court last week but have managed to stay afloat and on track through it all. I have reached out a bit more due to it all and it's not over yet with trial coming this week which is insane to say the least. Gaining is not fun but it's getting to be ok for me now. I have ups and downs about it so by no means is it simple or something i love doing. I am just choosing recovery through it all instead of faling back into old habits. I certainly don't want to live the next 20 years with this.
Weekly therapy is helpful as is reaching out to those who are truly commited to recovery and those who truly understand.