Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Recovery despite insurmountable stress~

These were taken this past weekend at my brothers place in the mountains. The boys had a blast. 2nd photo is my niece between Jack and I. Last photo is my nephew Brandon!
The reason I started this blog last year was to show the ups and downs of "true" recovery. I wanted others to know that you don't just get out of treatment and BAM, you're cured. That's a high expectation and many feel so much pressure to get well quick that they often revert back because the pressure is too much. But the truth is recovery takes a long time. You didn't get this disease overnight and certainly won't get rid of it overnight. You can be at your right weight for years and still have insecurities and issues with your eating disorder until you reach full recovery.
Stress of court was a huge factor in my relapse last year sending me into treatment for 3 months. It took me a couple of weeks there to really accept even the word recovery. When this disorder is so ingrained for so many years (20 in my case) it becomes who you are and a way of functioning. And if you focus merely on weight, without anything else, it's very difficult to see that there is hope in overcoming this.
The past 6 months have been devastating as court started all over again by my ex. I feel extremely violated and abused in the worst possible ways. I can't even begin to express here what has transpired by pure evil, due to spies. I will say that despite it all, I am still standing and HAVE NOT retreated back into full anorexia relapse. I am still trying to gain, which is not easy with the insurmountable amount of stress related to court and keeping up with responsibilities as a single mom of two adorable little boys, but am gaining slowly. Some days are easier than others. On the hardest days I reach out to God and to my support system.
Right now I try not to even focus on my weight. Even a few nights ago my oldest son looked at my stomach and said something to the affect of "mom there's a baby in there." I had to laugh. What else could I do? My stomach does protrude most days with eating so much to gain (aka refeeding process). Eventually it will all level out. It takes time to accept this. Some days I cringe at all I have to eat and see in my stomach but then I look away from it and look at what's really important which is my boys, getting through the sickness of court, and doing the best I can at the job I love.
It is normal to watch shows with other anorexics and miss the disorder but then when you really think about it, you need to be lucky you are not that person anymore and you are one of the lucky ones to be surviving this and not be 6 feet under. People who don't get this disorder don't realize it's like a grieving process in a respect. It's giving up a very close and dear part of you. Many refer to "ana" or "ed" as their best friend and closest confidante. I have heard that what helps this is to write a good bye letter. I may do this in a future blog though in my case have to be a bit careful with this again due to spies. Then again, this is raw recovery and a part of who I am so I will be raw in it!

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