Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Ahhh love watching my babies grow up and miss these stages yet love every stage. This is just one of many trips to Disneyland~
As I was driving today I thought about Triggers. Many girls think Triggers are seeing other thinner girls, models, grotesquely thin movie stars, seeing other girls in treatment and comparing, and seeing "sicker" girls. While I did go through this as being many of my triggers in the past, it has not been a trigger for me currently or last year.
Stress has been a major trigger for me. I have been in an insane court battle for almost 3 years now and not by my choice. It has been very stressful and took it's toll on my appetite so to speak. I didn't set out to dwindle down to such a low weight last year. After relapsing last year and going into treatment for 3 months I realized recovery was a long road of ups and downs just like life in general. I did ok for a while after treatment until losing my job of 9 months and still battling court. Court died down for 6 months and just when I got a new job it started up far worse and not by me. Dealing with the insanity has been difficult but I will not allow it to rob me of myself or my time with my boys. I have to continually choose to rise above it and do.
Pain is also a trigger. I think when people have pain in general we run from it because we don't want to feel it. Some do drugs while others become shopaholics and others turn back to their eating disorders. I now choose to deal with it in therapy and with support.
What are your triggers and do you subject yourselves to them? I no longer have a scale to trigger me nor do I dwell on models pictures and sickly emaciated pictures of anorexics. If I see the photos I am not even triggered. I am not triggered by others disorders. If anything my goal is to help others and why I do this blog and at the same time I will not try to help someone who refuses it and who wants to be in competition with me.
Recovery is ours and ours to be protected. It's not healthy to expose yourself to what triggers you. It's healthy to expose your disorder and be accountable. I left my lunch at home today and was so hungry by 12:30. I had't eaten at all so I went to taco bell for a burrito, small nachos, and a taco. The burrito had onions and hot sauce which I hate and they messed up. I forced myself to eat it anyway because I didn't want any excuse not to gain. I will not give "ana" another thought because I want no part of "her".
Recovery is mine~


  1. My biggest triggers?
    -very high expectations from my parents and the pressure of incredibly successful (athletically, academically, and career-wise) sisters. I'm a horrible people pleaser and never felt I was good enough for myself, let alone my family.
    -events or situations that cause anxiety
    -photos of myself
    -my PTSD has improved over the years, but, flashbacks, painful memories, and situations that trigger that increase my anxiety and feelings of being out of control

    Picturs of other girls never really was an issue. Oddly, I have a pretty good grasp of reality when it comes to looking at other people. I comprehend what a healthy weight/size/etc is and I know my own weight is low, but, what I see in myself, and myself alone, is not what the scale sees or what others see.

  2. Triggers for me are times when I have too much to do or else when I have too much time alone. I used to be triggered by my family, I tried to control our relationship through my eating disorder so that I could punish them for being mean to me, but I also used it as a defense to prevent anyone getting close because i was scared of what real relationships could be