Sunday, September 12, 2010

If you want "ana" look up Holocaust, corpse, and death!

Ok so the silly faces have nothing to do with what I am about to write but omg I love this kid and had him to myself the past two days as his brother was in Palm Springs. I love how he mimicked my silly face at the end! He's so much fun and cracks me up constantly.
So a friend of mine posted that her goal was to be weightless. She's struggling with "ana" and commitment to recovery. Two other girls posted they were in agreement. I was pissed to say the least. Many young girls WANT ana. They strive for thinspiration and sickness. They make goals of being thinner than thin and love to be in competition in losing weight. They swap stories and ideas on purging, dieting, pill taking, tricks, fads, and starvation. They post notes all over their walls calling themselves fat and ugly for gaining or not being thinner than thin as motivtion to lose more. They spend countless hours on the internet searching for emaciated, stick thin, grotesque looking models and girls. They might as well just look up the word holocaust, corpse, and death.
She may start out with a small goal of just 5 pounds. 5 soon turns to 10, 15, 20. I know all to well. Being 5'8 I always felt so big and tall. I was 135 when I started. My goal was 125, then 120, then 115. I stayed at that for a while before deciding I needed to be in double digits. I swore I would stop at 99. Once I got to that I thought 95 is good. NOPE! I wanted 88. No rhyme or reason. Everyone has different numbers etc. I didn't make it to 88. I made it to 92 before I decided I needed serious help and this was after time at Remuda Ranch. It was in 2001. I have to say I was pregnant within 6 months, too soon, and my child became higher up than "ana". I was still thin after both pregnancies but never did I have the behaviors so extreme and never below 100 until last year and barely.
"Ana" never allowed me to see the thinness no matter how low I went which is why I kept going and why many do keep lowering their goal weight. It becomes a disease instead of a goal. It's a trap! What's amazing is when you get weighed backwards for months in treatment, where you talk and feel and eat with others and focus on being alive and being around those who understand, you don't notice the gain being so bad after the first several weeks. You no longer see fat that was never there to begin with.
I can't make you want recovery or admit you need it. I can only document the ups and downs of it and to say it is possible. You have to make it a daily priority and to do this you have to make YOU a priority. This takes time, patience with yourself, structured weekly therapy, some need in patient, and extensive commitment! I have therapy and am acountable to a friend I text and let him know I am near proud at increasing my intake and even make sure my calculations are right so I don't cheat. He's has been a great encouragement and holds me accountable as is my friend Joyce who has invited me to join her church two weeks ago. She took me out to lunch today after a very moving church service where I cried and she just held on to me and noticed I struggled a bit and gently encouraged me to eat a bit more. Not only did I eat a bit more but ate the entire huge burrito from Miguels!
You have EVERYTHING to lose with "ana" and nothing to gain with it and I am not talking weight. I lost time off my life, 20 years of depression, friendships, thousands of dollars, medical problems, irreversible damage, my education (dropped out early when just a few classes from my bachelors!), and I picked bad men to be with causing so much damage even currently. I'd give it all back in a heartbeat though never my kids as they are worth the sacrifice. Life has been a constant struggle and for what? A stupid fucking piece of shit number on a scale? A competition with someone else? Do you really think others pay that much attention to you getting thinner? You aren't much fun to be around when your brain is starved along with your body. Bet you become a real bitch.
It's your choice. Recovery or "ana". I would seriously weigh the pros and cons before either continuing with "ana" or trying to be "ana" or even idolizing "ana."


  1. This was exactly the kind of post I needed to read this morning as I am struggling a bit with deciding which way to go, thanks brandee,

  2. your posts are amazing Brandee and I want to thank - you for all the positive inspiration you give me.
    I'm no-longer looking at the numbers and wishing them too drop, I need to make it through this year. Instead when I looked, I was disgusted. How did I fall to a bmi of 16.9? I am determined to eat more and have been working hard to get healthier.
    Trust me, fainting all the time isn't worth it, there is so much you can't do and i Missed so much of my life over what?
    Thank-you Brandee for straight talking :)
    Keep up the good work,
    praying for you all

  3. Your blog is so inspiring.

    I have been reading it for a while and I love all you posts.

    Blogs like this really help me trying to recover from this hell ^^