Friday, September 10, 2010

Raw Recovery in an unforgiving world~

Total random shots of the boys and I and even my therapist and I from the past 3 years. oh and the guy in the photo of the neck brace is my twin. My honda was totaled two weeks before by a semi on the freeway. Still have major back pain 2 years later. These photos show the ups and downs of the ravages of anorexia. I take photos constantly. Just looking at my boys in so many photos brings me to tears of such joy they add to my life and others'. I am just so proud to call them my own and to watch them grow and just be kids. It hasn't been an easy road for them or myself due to abuse and continual drama from my ex. I have to continually separate myself from his illness and enjoy just being my kids mom and the job I do for work and keep my connections to family and friends. I focus on my kids~
"Ana" sees fat in all these photos. I, however, see thinness. I was instant messaging a gal on facebook who is in patient with a tube and has battled anorexia over 30 years and has lost so much due to her illness. I had mentioned when my weight had gotten too low my therapist had threatened hospitalization and then eventually I went in last year. She stated I must not be that bad if she only threatened and didn't hospitalize me. It made me a little upset at first but then I realized that her illness has such a hold on her that she is in competition with anyone struggling. Too many times anorexics and bulimics compare weights, tube feedings, symptoms, and overall illness in it. It becomes a "who can be the sickest" and "who needs the most attention" disease. It's sick. This fuels those stuck in the disorder. Last year I got extremely low but my worst was before I had children. It's been because of my kids I have been open to recovery and even admitting needing recovery last year while in patient. I fought it for a while last year and even tried outpatient before it took its physical toll and I needed monitoring for medical reasons.
I am not 70 lbs nor have I ever been but I am also a bit tall at 5'8. Regardless, I have battled it bad for many years pre kids and don't need to go into too much detail for fear it would give those stuck in the illness more ideas as it did me over some books I read on it 10 years ago.
Today I have consumed 2200 calories. I am uncomfortable but managing. I need to work up to near 4000 if I am to gain 20 to 30 pounds on low end depending on where my therapist wants me. If I continue this road and not have too many slips then I should be at a "normal" weight for the first time in over 20 years (minus pregnancies people (got to 155 and 154 with the boys in my final deliveries!!) within 3 months. I have to write it down which helps. I don't obsess. I just jot it down and don't over calculate like I used to! I am more exact. No exercise other than chasing and wrestling with my little ones! lol I don't weigh myself anymore and wont cheat. I will simply journal and deal with the shit that comes up the heavier I get. I mean the HEALTHIER I get!!!!!
This disease is deadly at any stage so don't be in competition with anyone or allow others stuck in this illness to drag you down or rob you of your freedom that will be found in recovery~ It's so easy to stay stuck or to fall backwards while in recovery, especially when other stressors come into play. I know as I am living in stress brought on by someone else, but have to continully choose recovery regardless and stay on track. I have to really surround myself with support and positive people as this world can be incredibly cruel and unforgiving. We have to realize our worth and then fight for our own recovery~
(FB Brande Gomer)


  1. your words are so true and i'm glad to hear you sound so positive :)

  2. The fact that u see the difference between u and ana, and that what u see is reality is great. I am wishing u all the love and luck in the world, this disease is a BITCH, and I hope you bite the bitch back. ;D xxx

  3. Thanks ladies. I encourage you to seek recovery and to know it's not a quick fix. So many give up on recovery because they slip and say it's not worth it or feel like a failure. It takes so much time but so did "ana" or "ed".