Sunday, September 5, 2010

Reality check with "ana". WARNING, may trigger~

These were taken yesterday at my good friends' Joyce and Chris annual Labor day barbecue pool party. The boys swam for 7 hours and were so good. We have had a busy weekend with a birthday party the night before as well as starting a new church this morning which is so awesome. Both boys loved their classes with so many activities and I loved how personal and caring the feel of the church was. It's very upbeat and a come as your are atmosphere.
I noticed in the 3rd photo down I look horrible. I was in tears when I saw it. The good thing is I can see the emaciation whereas years ago I wouldn't see anything but pseudo fat. I tried to snack every hour while there yesterday, whenever I could get an adult to tag team me from the pool but have realized I have a long way to go. My therapist even mentioned this in saying not to fear so much as the weight takes a while. Part of me wishes I could just be 30 pounds heavier and be done overnight.
My therapist and I spoke about it all this week. She pointed out how bad I looked and was more specific this time in increasing my intake and specifically to drink ensure every morning since I never eat breakfast. She also wants the scale brought in when I see her this week. Now to do all this is another story. The scale I will turn in and think I will be fine as I once went almost an entire year not knowing my weight though she knew weekly. There was comfort in it and a burden lifted. I have to really make myself follow a meal plan and increase and notice that when I do I start to get anxious. This I am writing about. I think this part is critical in recovery. I think too many times those of us who struggle with eating disorders tend to fall back into slip ups in the disorder when the anxiety gets to be too much. If we push through this and the stronger thoughts and feelings come up, we need to see this as a good thing and to be able to process this. To keep going back to the safety of restricting, in my case, or other behaviors in many other cases, we will never fully recovery or reach that place of freedom. I have done this far too long.
WE MUST STEP OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE! OPPOSITE ACTION! Many of us have had this far too long and not sure how to do this. Or we start to do what we need for recovery but when stress starts to happen, as in my case with overwhelming court drama and chaos, we fall so easily into old habits and into the COMFORT of this deadly disease. I think it becomes difficult to function and live without it because it's become our "normal". In many cases it's become who we are. We have to continually separate from this. It's a daily decision of putting one foot in front of the other. I am definitely working on this and so grateful I am back with Dr. Waraich and have so much support through her and others. I feel I am starting fresh~


  1. I know what its like to be in tears for seeing yourself in a true light. I feel the same way when i see pictures of myself or see myself naked in the mirror. But at least you have the ability to see yourself accurately. And know that this is not the end all be all, you can gain the healthy weight back. You can beat this thing. It seems to me that you are crying out to know that your situation is serious, or perhaps you already know, but sweetie, you like me, are doing your best, and still seem to be struggling same as I, and if I am out of line for saying so I am sorry I truly am, because i mean to encourage, but also to be honest.

    I want to see you gain some weight baby girl! I bet you want to see that happen to more than any one else, and all your effort must be exauhsting when you are dealing with so much in your life already. YOU CAN DO THIS. for you, because you deserve it, because you deserve to be free of this.

    Fight for you and your babies, and never give up!

  2. I feel like a lot of times it takes a jolt or a professional to say something. don't let this get you down because you are a great person and have MANY MANY reasons to keep fighting this fight :)