These were all taken today. I have gone to the Pumpkin Patch every year since Seth was born as it's tradition for us. The boys have so much fun and it's nice and relaxing for me as well. This year they were excited to bring a friend.
During a recent session with Dr. Waraich I really started to break down about facing "ana" so to speak. With so much court stuff going on I have put "ana" and dealings aside. I would eat and try and stay to a weight gaining level of eating but was removed. In other words I would eat and just not face any of it. I was okay with it because I didn't think about it much though each day was challenging whether it be a big or small challenge to consume so much. I start to do really well for a few days and weeks even and then stress hits and I struggle to keep up with the demands of recovery.
I have felt removed from "ana" but also removed from recovery. With so much going on with court it's been difficult to really just focus on me in therapy and focus on recovery.
Dr. Warauch wants me to write down what I am feeling and face what's really going on when it comes to eating. In other words, to be present and in the moment and then write what comes up. I am so used to removing myself from it and separating myself that this is such a scary point for me to be in.
I started to really journal about this today and had to stop several times because I just kept tearing up. I reached out to my close friend Joyce and shared a few things with her to make sure I was really going deep as I need to take this to my next session this coming week. It helped having not only the validation from Joyce but also her true understanding and complete love and support over some really tough things and some embarrassing feelings regarding "ana" and what it's like inside.
It's so not about the food. It's the food we run to or run from as a symptom of what's hurting so much inside and what we fear. This disorder becomes us and takes over. It's very difficult to let go of something so incredibly strong. We really can't do it alone and can't even come close to letting go if we keep being in denial about it and talking around it and removing ourselves from it. It takes huge support and commitment to letting go of this after TRULY facing it on so many levels. I need to be raw for a while and face this and deal with this. Sigh~
The pain is very real and very deep~