ok so I love photography and just feel blogs with pictures are more interesting so what better than some pictures of my little guy's driving to represent my writing this entry~
While driving today I started thinking about my struggles this past week. I realized for near 20 years "Ed" has been in the driver's seat controlling so much of my life on so many negative levels. I started to think of how "Recovery" needs to be in the driver's seat! At Reason's staff would tell us to make the Recovery voice louder which I really worked at so today I thought driver's seat. I envisioned it and I thought ok "Ed" is moved to pasenger's. Some might say why not have him in the back seat or completely out of the car?! First of all most have heard the term back seat driver and I couldn't have him chiming in my ear telling me how to fricken drive! And realistically recovery doesn't mean he's gone just yet and recovery is so tough when Ed has been such an addiction and strong habit for so many years! I thought no, pasenger side. He can hold on the the "oh shit" handle ,as my sister calls it, for when I continually choose recovery through driving my way out of the anorexic dungeon. I figure the more curves and turns I make and winding mountain roads to get out of this disorder nightmare, I might just make Ed sick enough to open the door and jump out!
I haven't blogged in over a week because I had been restricting some. Not completely just here and there and ashamed of my body and my struggles. I have had to continually think Recovery and it's not been easy~
Anyone who has ever had an eating disorder then chose recovery can probably relate that you start out feeling in control and soon "Ed" controls you (even though we continually say we are in control!). Ed tells you when you can eat, not eat, tricks to avoiding food, punishes you when you give into food, punishes you by cruel words, bases your worth by the number on the scale, isolates you from everyone and everything you know, destroys relationships, causes you to lie to get away with the disorder and the list goes on. Basically Ed destroys you and instead of living life you become the walking dead.
Some wonder why anyone would want Ed. Well I can't relate to drug addiction but can relate to pill addiction, self harm, and starvation. Ed is extremely addicting and while with drug addiction you don't need drugs to recover with Ed you have to face the addiction to survive. You can't just be sober from food!
Choosing Recovery is a daily choice and sometimes moment to moment choice. It's allowing Recovery to step in and say "I got this one" when Ed wants to be front and center.
I hear so many people with eating disorders say they don't want to die but don't choose to recover. The only way to live is to choose Recovery and put Recovery in the driver's seat at all times!
BTW I have road rage so I hope Ed knows what he's up against! haha