Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Having a "fat" day but will get through~

These were taken earlier today. I was feeling quite big today and notice I have gained. I started to freak a little as my stomach sticks out but "aunt flow" is due any day now so it's to be expected. Still not easy when you want recovery and "Ana" screams starve, restrict, and there's fat everywhere.
Regardless I still ate breakfast, a snack for lunch, and dinner is cooking.
There are so many myths about anorexia that being in recovery I often second guess if I was/am really anorexic!
Badges of honor for most anorexics:
1.) being in double digits~
2.) amenorrhea (absense of periods 6 or more months)
3.) eating no more than 5 to 600 cals a day.
4.) having to be tube fed.
5.) numerous medical complications.
6.) passing out
7.) having to be hospitalized
You get the idea. I am sure there are several more I am missing. I have had many of these badges but then other's have had all of them so I think okay "not anorexic enough". The problem is comparing. What may kill one girl for just a few months of anorexia may take another decades to die from. If our bodies are so different in who dies and who doesn't and who has endured years of being the walking dead and who couldn't then maybe we shouldn't be comparing at all because we truly are all different!
When I was at Reasons we had so many groups and therapy sessions ,and the girls were so supportive of one another as well as confrontational, that the focus was not so much on bodies. Yes we all had our secret insecurities and those we shared but I liked how the focus wasn't on body but on who we all are as people. I miss the safety of it.
I have been reading up on blogs and so many countless stories of emaciated holocaust looking anorexics and bulimics who have died as well as these obese women doing these 500 caloric diets and dying. My therapist would probably be pissed if I told her this as she worries I am triggerable. I used to be and sometimes it makes me think I am not sick enough but then I think wait, I am not sick enough ANYMORE! I am in recovery and not supposed to be sick anymore! And surprisingly: looking at all this has made me want recovery that much more!
Recovery takes way more courage and endurance than starving myself. Anorexia was easy for me. Let me reframe that. Anorexia is not easy but starving was as I still struggle even having an appetite and food just doesn't appeal to me. I also get nauseated a lot. Recovery takes everything in me not to do old behaviors I did for 20 years and recovery takes perseverence. So while I have day to day struggles, hate my thighs, insecure about my arms, and can't stand my butt and stomach I am still choosing recovery and hope and pray others' will do the same because life really is worth living~


  1. Great post, Brandee. You're so right when you say, "Recovery takes way more courage and endurance than starving..."

    Your determination will keep you on the road to recovery, Brandee. I'm pulling for you.


  2. You look beautiful. But i understand "fat" days. Like every other day for me.

    But really, you are beautiful!

  3. Hey you. I was just cruising google and i found your blog. Im doing a project on eating disorders, and your struggle is really inspiring. I was wondering if youd be kind enough to do an interview with me? If so, please contact me at bri.marie.wilson@gmail.com
    This interview would be entirely text based, so you dont have to worry about me being a creeper lol. I have been affected by Ana and Mia, which has killed two of my friends, and im so glad to see that youre in recovery. Your son is beautiful :) and hes lucky to have such a beautiful and strong mother such as you. My friend meg, who is working on this project with me, was a victim to both Ana and Mia, and she has recovered so well, and if she can do it, you can too. I hope to hear from you, and best of luck to you! <33333