Ok so if you have ever been to treatment for an eating disorder you know the first day is always the hardest. Actually the first week really. For me I still felt so big and not quite thin enough for treatment, hence denial! I took several picture two months prior to treatment trying to see the thinness my therapist and dietician saw. I always managed to see fat somewhere! This picture was taken my first day and I still didn't feel I belonged in treatment. I bought many pairs of sweats swearing I would only wear sweats in treatment to cover up my "fat".
The week before treatment I had my consultation with Dr. Lisa, the director there. She was very friendly and I was straightforward. When I told her I would be going for the 4 hour a day program she was like no way without skipping beat. She told me she wanted me in patient and was taking a risk allowing the 8 hour a day 6 day a week program. She asked my weight and I had told her about being weighed backwards but that my therapist slipped up and I saw 102 on a piece of paper but that I just knew that was wrong and could she ask my therapist because then I could do the 4 hours. She did contact my therapist and I later found out she didn't ask about my weight because there was no getting around full treatment! She said she liked people to start on Monday but knew I needed to get there soon. I said I would wait a week! I told her I needed to figure child care but really I wanted to lose 3 pounds to be below 100. In my "anorexic mindset" I didn't feel I would fit in there. Boy was I ever wrong.
I struggled with laxatives and diuretics but my therapist would continually ask and I was always honest with her if she asked. She had quite the collection of pills by the time I went in treatment.
I was able to see Dr. Waraich the day of treatment! I struggled because I kept telling her I wouldn't fit in and was so nervous but through her care and support I dragged my ass there. The picture above was taken that first day.
Dr. Lisa greeted me and met with me. Vitals and weight were taken and I went to lunch even though on grace 24 hours. I had no idea it was buffet style. I was holding back the tears because I didn't want to embarrass myself. I was able to eat fruit and cottage cheese.
After lunch I received a message from my sister that my step dad Jack had a heart attack and was airlifted to a hospital. I was devastated. I burst into tears and was alone in a room at Reasons. No one came to ask if I were ok and I wanted to bail. I finally was able to leave and told the staff who let me out the program sucked.
Needless to say Dr. Waraich convinced me to give it another chance and I went back the next day!
I felt fat but at the same time realized there were gals all different shapes and sizes. I did compare a lot and felt I was on the heavier end but then it was like DUH you are anorexic, that's the way we think!