Saturday, September 5, 2009

First day at REasons April 6, 2009

Ok so if you have ever been to treatment for an eating disorder you know the first day is always the hardest. Actually the first week really. For me I still felt so big and not quite thin enough for treatment, hence denial! I took several picture two months prior to treatment trying to see the thinness my therapist and dietician saw. I always managed to see fat somewhere! This picture was taken my first day and I still didn't feel I belonged in treatment. I bought many pairs of sweats swearing I would only wear sweats in treatment to cover up my "fat".

The week before treatment I had my consultation with Dr. Lisa, the director there. She was very friendly and I was straightforward. When I told her I would be going for the 4 hour a day program she was like no way without skipping beat. She told me she wanted me in patient and was taking a risk allowing the 8 hour a day 6 day a week program. She asked my weight and I had told her about being weighed backwards but that my therapist slipped up and I saw 102 on a piece of paper but that I just knew that was wrong and could she ask my therapist because then I could do the 4 hours. She did contact my therapist and I later found out she didn't ask about my weight because there was no getting around full treatment! She said she liked people to start on Monday but knew I needed to get there soon. I said I would wait a week! I told her I needed to figure child care but really I wanted to lose 3 pounds to be below 100. In my "anorexic mindset" I didn't feel I would fit in there. Boy was I ever wrong.

I struggled with laxatives and diuretics but my therapist would continually ask and I was always honest with her if she asked. She had quite the collection of pills by the time I went in treatment.

I was able to see Dr. Waraich the day of treatment! I struggled because I kept telling her I wouldn't fit in and was so nervous but through her care and support I dragged my ass there. The picture above was taken that first day.

Dr. Lisa greeted me and met with me. Vitals and weight were taken and I went to lunch even though on grace 24 hours. I had no idea it was buffet style. I was holding back the tears because I didn't want to embarrass myself. I was able to eat fruit and cottage cheese.

After lunch I received a message from my sister that my step dad Jack had a heart attack and was airlifted to a hospital. I was devastated. I burst into tears and was alone in a room at Reasons. No one came to ask if I were ok and I wanted to bail. I finally was able to leave and told the staff who let me out the program sucked.

Needless to say Dr. Waraich convinced me to give it another chance and I went back the next day!

I felt fat but at the same time realized there were gals all different shapes and sizes. I did compare a lot and felt I was on the heavier end but then it was like DUH you are anorexic, that's the way we think!

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