Sunday, August 1, 2010

Stagnate in Recovery~

Ok so not the best photos of me but I need to embrace me even on bad days. Top two taken yesterday and bottom one a few days ago. Jill is with me in the middle one. She's so pretty. She's a social worker I worked with for 9 years. I took the kids to see her and her kids, another mutual friend and their kids, and we all went swimming and had such a nice time yesterday. I didn't get home until midnight~
I almost feel stagnate in recovery. I don't really feel like I am in a recovery. Maybe it's the procrastination in me. I have plenty to eat and have the protein powder sitting on the counter unopened. I did the shake ONE day this week. I ate fine at Jill's and even wrote her recipe for chicken quesadillas with seasoning for the crock pot on my grocery list today. I think if I had a personal chef I would be eating just fine so maybe it's I need more variety and to cook more other than just for my kids.
Some may say deep down I don't want to gain. But deep down is in me not them and I feel I will look much better at 125 and maybe even 130. I think quite frankly I am tired of being underweight and definitely hate the pictures of me when I was in the emaciation stage. Thankfully I am past that.
The scale read 108 this morning. It has gone from 106 to 110 but have to say it's averaged 108. Maybe it's time I start keeping a journal of what I do eat so I don't lose track and over estimate caloric intake which those who know me and know this disease that I am notorious for it. I used to bring my food journals into therapy and then she'd weigh me and beg to differ at what was written!!!!
At the moment as I write this I am near tears. I think deep down there's a deep sadness and I can't figure it out. I dream of seeing my therapist weekly again and my dietician at least monthly just so I have some support through all the court drama and some other stuff I am going through................
((Hugs)) Brandee
(p.s) Jade and others you can find me on facebook (Brande Gomer).

1 comment:

  1. Hi there, i think this is my first time oommenting. I just want to send a hug and let you know your not and never will be alone in this. Its a tough old road, but it is possible to walk down and complete. Just do your best, day by day.