Top two photos taken just a few weeks before I left Reasons after 3 months treatment last year. I was a bit healthier even though not to my goal weight. At that time, in treatment, I was confronted that I lost weight in treatment. My dietician and therapist suspected water weighing and exercise to explain weight loss towards the middle of treatment and confronted me as they weigh you backwards for those who don't know how treatment is and I never had a scale back then. I was soon back on track and gained a little more before discharging from program. I so badly wish I had been able to fully reach my goal weight before discharging. The bottom photo was taken last night at the police station (I do custody exchanges with my yougest there). As you can see I don't wear baggy clothes to cover anything up. I think I look ok but more importantly I love how affectionate my boys are as they are used to this from me and know they can always come to me.
This morning I stepped on the scale and it was 111!!!!! It's been months since I have been above 110 and I struggled to even keep 110 for a while. For a while I was eager to be above and thought I could handle it but for some reason my heart sank this morning and I started to freak. I am 5'8 so it's still very low, too low, unhealthy low. I have noticed my stomach sticking out more as well and I know this is normal for refeeding as I went through this with other girls at Reasons. It will level out after a few months. I am merely having a tougher time than I thought I would.
So, regardless of this, I still ate a sausage, egg, cheese biscuit as well as two hash browns for breakfast with a fruit smoothie I got for free! (I had to supervise a visit at Mcdonalds for those wondering!). I ate it all and tried to think past the fear and embrace recovery along with it. It was several hours later that I did eat leftover roast, potatoes, and carrots for lunch and am currently eating cookies and dorritos for snack! Dinner is cooking as I am making chicken quesadillas with tomato, taco sauce, and seasoning with a vegetable on the side.
It scares me that I want to restrict right now and will have to journal and find out why. I need to push past the fear. I think the pain is very real and the more I gain and eat the closer I feel to that pain as I am not starving it away or running from it. I also feel disgusted when I gain too much and dirty and I hate this. I hate this hold the anorexia has but I am determined to beat it. I am determined to push past this point and see where it leads.
Many times in treatment of therapy, Reasons, and seeing my dietician I would try and tell them what I needed for treatment and how severe or not I was, instead of doing what they said and listening to them. It's hard to hear words like " you are severely anorexic" or " you will die from this if you don't get it under control". It's hard to be confronted and even harder to accept the truth. I am used to being independent and not needing help but I can't do this alone. If I am to beat this once and for all I need help and support. I have to be patient and nurturing with me along the way and also be brutally honest in where I am at. It's not easy but doable~